Need advice about a situation - Anxiety and Depre...

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Need advice about a situation

Pumpkin14
Pumpkin14

This situation has been on my mind and I’m not sure how to handle it.

There is a guy I’ve known and have been friends with for 15 years. Since the beginning there was an instant connection and we’ve remained in contact to this day. We dated when we were younger and it didn’t work out at the time.

Recently we kinda got into a disagreement about a situation. (We were texting) I became frustrated with it and I was completely honest with him about my feelings and then he never responded and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been probably three weeks. I don’t think I should apologize because he hasn’t always been fair with my feelings and has hurt me a lot in the past. I didn’t say anything mean, just completely honest. I actually started feeling glad that he stopped talking to me because part of me just wants this situation to be over for good. I try to get over him and he always comes back somehow . It’s so bad for my health. Do you think I should apologize just to be nice, or just let it go?

27 Replies
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Hi pumpkin14! I think you guys should work it out in person or call because things shouldn’t be left in an argument. But you did nothing wrong, you were honest. And maybe he is trying to process everything. But you don’t need to apologize. 😊

"Let him go" for your health's sake. :) xx

Definately let it go😊

I also say let it go.

Do like the Frozen movie; “Let it go!”

Let it go! I feel this would be best because if he truly cared about how you were feeling as soon as you sent that message he would have picked up the phone to talk about it more. It has been 3 weeks... that tells you a lot.

Thank you all so much. I wanted to just let it go too but wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. 💜

I don’t know what exactly was said but the point is that you don’t feel that you did or said anything that requires an apology. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t be honest. Again, I don’t know about your relationship but if you’re relieved that he hasn’t responded- that’s a good indication things aren’t going to work out in a healthy way. A failed relationship when you were both young and immature shouldn’t stop you now if things seem like they would work out but it doesn’t seem like that’s your situation

Hidden
Hidden in reply to SunIsShining

Ok..I mentioned an apology because it takes 2 to make a relationship survive and 2 to fail. I decline to believe there isn't fault both ways and the most mature thing is to summon the courage to apologise for your part to open up communication.

Best regards.

Hidden
Hidden

Hi Pumpkin14...you did say in your post you've been friends for 15 years and there was an instant connection. Friends argue at times esp when texting or emailing words are misconstrued.

I would definitely apologize no matter who's right or wrong. Life's too short and didn't we all learn through this Pandemic that friendships are very important and to never leave things unsaid?

I'm confused because now you say you're glad he's gone...friends do have disagreements and someone should make it right. It's about friendship, not who's right or wrong.

Pumpkin14
Pumpkin14 in reply to Hidden

Hey! So it’s a complicated “ friendship”.... it’s always pretty much been more than friends, but he’s been so careless with my feelings. I’m basically sick of being hurt by him and feeling used.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Pumpkin14

Yes I understand. I remember saying friendships come with disagreements.

So you solved your problem...end it. Please be kind we are all here to help.

No don't apologise you haven't done anything wrong. People have got to communicate in a relationship and sometimes what we have to say they may not like. Honesty is the best policy anyway. If anyone should be in touch it should be him. He sounds a bit childish to be honest.

Pumpkin14
Pumpkin14 in reply to Lins345

Thanks for your response. It’s been a complicated friendship for the last 15 years. We clearly aren’t just friends. We’ve been on and off dating and then he moved far away but when he’s around he always comes back and plays with my emotions and then leaves. And you are right, he is very childish. It’s like he keeps me on a back burner when he needs attention. I just can’t do it anymore.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Lins345

Yes honesty and communication are the top 2 relationship buster's however we all play a certain role in the problems associated with relationships meaning to there's always 2 sides and I'm not recommending apologies for no reason I mean because life ends on a dime and taking our part in the dysfunctional part of a relationship is good communication. Apologies take courage.

I was in love with this guy some time ago. He was my first love, and we were together off and on for years. But he would always cheat, and play me, tell me we couldn't be together because of distance etc. I think the best way to move on, is closure. Don't necessarily apologize, but I think you should try calling him and explain that you can't take the games anymore. I know he's a friend, but it's not worth it if you feel one way and he feels another way. You'll just torture yourself if/ when he decides to move on. So make the first step, get closure and move on. You don't have to stop being friends with him, but maybe try to find and talk to someone else and have a connection with them. That's what I'd do anyways. I hope you figure it out though. Stay strong and I'm always here if you need a friend.

Pumpkin14
Pumpkin14 in reply to Kat_21

Your story sounds very similar! He lives far away now too and always gets these girlfriends and then uses me to constantly complain about them .... and then “ I’m so good to him” but I’ll never be his girlfriend. I feel like we used to have a genuine friendship relationship but now it just seems like it’s all about his selfish self these days.

Kat_21
Kat_21 in reply to Pumpkin14

That's how some guys are. They need a backup plan in case the other girl falls through. It sounds very toxic. It's not good for your health. Let him continue to play games and one day he will realize what he lost. My ex is currently with another girl and seems happy now. And honestly I couldn't be happier for him. Closure is honestly the only way to really get over someone in my opinion.

Pumpkin14
Pumpkin14 in reply to Kat_21

It’s such a hard thing for me because when we were younger he really liked me. Now that we are older and I have changed and grew to like him more in a different way. I told him and he rejected me... yet, still wants all the benefits of a relationship when he comes around. It makes me wonder why I was never good enough, but then he would get girlfriends and all he did was complain how terrible they are!

I don’t know if I will ever get closure with this. It’s been a huge problems for so many years and as much as I want to let him go forever for my sake... I’m afraid to.. but I keep needing to realize that I don’t want him to just choose me because he has no other options. I’m just so sick of what he has put me through and recently it was the last straw and when I finally told him the bitter truth, he ignored me. It was about his x that just broke up with him. “ she is so mean and nasty to him, hooked up with other guys as soon as they broke up and says he didn’t see a future anyway”..... but then continued to torture me by telling me that maybe she was the one. What sense does that even make? Here I’ve been, treating him so good the entire time... but he clearly wants someone that treats him bad.

Ugh thank you for letting me vent.

Kat_21
Kat_21 in reply to Pumpkin14

It's no problem. I enjoy hearing people's stories. It's hard to be good enough when you're living up to an impossible standard. It wasn't you "not being good enough", it was him choosing a fantasy of perfection over someone who, even though they're flawed, loves him for who he is. Sometimes people just can't accept and return that love. But never blame yourself. Just keep smiling and do what's best for you. Let him keep living in his fantasy, one day he'll wake up and realize you're gone.

Pumpkin14
Pumpkin14 in reply to Kat_21

Thank you so much. You are the best. I feel like I was just talking to a friend that knows and cares about me. I really appreciate that!

I just read your profile and I can’t believe what you have been through. Sometimes I complain About how much I hate my life because I’m always sick.. but it’s nothing compared to what you have been through. I’m so sorry and it must be terrifying. My family is pretty supportive but to a point.. I feel like they truly don’t understand what I’ve had to go through with anxiety.

I really hope you find relief someday and you seem like a really good person/ friend.

Kat_21
Kat_21 in reply to Pumpkin14

Awe I just saw this. I'm glad you think of me as a friend. It is very scary to think about, but I try not to. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions the last few months, but I'll get used to the 'new normal' eventually. I'm glad we got to talk. You're a very kind person. I'm always here for you. 🙂

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat_21

Kat_21 you're such an positive person., I think you were the first to reply to my first post on my first day and if being terrified & scared to open up some of myself & my life took every ounce of strength I could muster up, you were right there giving me not only positive support but positive steps to think about taking to help myself. It appears that pumpkin has appreciated those very qualities in you as well. You shine.

Thank you ☺️ You are very much appreciated.

Kat_21
Kat_21 in reply to Hidden

Awe thank you ❤ I just wanna help people and let them know they aren't alone.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat_21

You're great at it. ☺️Thank you over the past 2 days since I arrived for making it easier 🌹

While taking advice about relationships, consider the source. Hopefully the people advising you have experience with healthy relationships of their own.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

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