Next steps...

[RupertBrown]

So I had a good conversation with my wife last night. Opened up about some things I've been holding in. I told her I need help and I want to see a therapist. I feel like I have reached the limit of what I can do for myself and it's time to take the next step. I get panic attacks now, though not too often. Broke my clean from self harm streak and most of the day yesterday my mind was in a very dark place. I feel better today though. I'm curious if anyone has any advice for starting therapy? What should I look for? Are there any red flags? What should I ask them about etc? Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

[012703060610]

Good for you! In the past year, I truly opened up to my husband about things and he was a little worried and scared. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted. He knew I had anxiety but not necessarily some of my prior trauma. Believe it or not I have been in therapy for over 25 years. I started in college because we have a family history of mental illness and I always wanted to make sure I had care. It took years until I needed medication. I changed to a PTSD specialized counselor and that has helped a lot. I didn't know I was repressing so many bad things from youth and young adult life. I've had a very traumatic few years with health decline, job loss, moving, etc and I wasn't able to function with trauma after trauma building on each other! When it comes to a therapist, I think you should arrange a few consults if you can and have the time. I usually know within the first five minutes how it will go. If they have boiler plate questions, don't seem engaged in the true details you are trying to describe....it's probably not good. Safety is key too. You may just not feel safe with someone and that is ok and you don't even need to know why. My best therapists remember my details and we can talk very candid versus some controlled type of experience. I need to feel a little personal touch to feel safe and comfortable! I'm very glad you are taking good care of yourself!

[RupertBrown in reply to 012703060610]

Thanks for the insights. I've been putting this off for so long. I feel relieved, but also very apprehensive. Second guessing myself today. Maybe I don't really need it. How am I going to affoed it? That sort of thing. I will remember your advice when it comes time and thanks again.

[Willow2022]

I am so happy for you Rupert! Two of the scariest things I did through my mental health journey was confide in my husband what I was feeling and start therapy.

I have been through several therapists and I suggest, if you can, look for one that:

1. Treats your specific mental health need. If they see a ton of children and deal with adolescent trauma, it may not line up well with adult depression.

2. If you can read their bios (if you are in the USA there is a phycology website you can go to in order to see bios) see what appeals to you. Self affirmations? CBT treatment? Religious aspects?

3. Don’t be afraid to meet with someone as an interview. You will need to feel comfortable with the therapist in order to trust them with your thoughts. If you don’t click, that’s okay.

I have had therapists who told me I wasn’t depressed (I was) and to go on vacation to solve my “sad” feelings. I had another who seem to think I was only making progress when I cried. The best one I had was one I didn’t expect: she was tough. She didn’t coddle me (no offense if a softer approach works for anyone), she allowed me to cry then we worked on why I was crying or why that moment was emotional. She didn’t promote positive thinking but rather realistic thinking which really resonating with me.

Therapy is personal. You need to find who fits who but don’t be afraid to stop seeing them if it isn’t working.

Good luck on this journey 💜

[RupertBrown in reply to Willow2022]

Thanks for this. It's all brand new to me and frankly, a bit overwhelming. I think a lot of it will come down to who accepts my insurance. My wife went to a few sessions in the spring and even though they took our insurance it still cost $100 per session. So that has me a little worried. I am curious about the website you mentioned for bios. Do you recall the name?

[Willow2022 in reply to RupertBrown]

I get it about the cost. It’s horrible that mental health isn’t covered sometimes. At any rate, the website is called psychologytoday.com

I found my recent therapist there and now when I have moved, we both looked through and found ones that appealed to me in my new town.

[Lve2dance in reply to Willow2022]

That is a great site. Somehow my therapist with my insurance is like $15 a session. That is very rare. It's unfortunate that therapy is so expensive which is why a lot of people don't go.

[Lve2dance in reply to RupertBrown]

With the right therapist It helps. It is great your wife is supportive 😊. Best of luck with everything.

[RupertBrown in reply to Lve2dance]

Thanks. She doesn't always know what to say, but she is supportive and wants to help me be well, and that is huge. I am nervous but also looking forward to this next step. Thanks again!

[Lve2dance in reply to RupertBrown]

😊

[Nothing_but_books]

You've come a long way! I'm proud of you for talking to your wife.

[RupertBrown in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I'm not going to dwell on it or read too much into it, but it shouldn't have been so hard! Thanks for your support, both now and all along. You have been in my corner for a while and I appreciate it!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to RupertBrown]

Hey, you're welcome. The appreciation, it's mutual.

[LifeIsThePitts]

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's condition! Ironically, a coworker just came back yesterday from having a noncancerous tumor removed from his brain. They went through the nose and he's got ZERO scars. Only out of work for 6weeks!!!🤯 I couldn't believe how advanced Brain surgery has advanced when he told me about the process.

I've been in through the system as far as psychologists and psychiatrists are concerned. You're very astute in your conditions and progress. You're a csa and trauma survivor with a history of self harming, depression and anxiety. I would definitely look for a psychologist or therapist with a background in trauma or childhood abuse. Id also suggest looking for someone with experience... someone that's been practicing for longer than a few years.

My biggest roadblock to progress was not having a counselor that I felt would challenge me. A young practitioner just out of school wasn't a good fit for me because I'd already made progress on my own, like you already have as well, and I "felt" like she wasn't equipped to direct me in the way I needed.

I've left 3 therapists because our personalities didn't mesh. The first one, the young one, I stuck with for too long because I didn't know I could look elsewhere for a better fit. The second and third were also fresh out of school and moved on to greener pastures and career paths as soon as they could get their feet on the ground. My company's mental health program is a factory of crappy group therapy. I had to go outside of my company coverage to get the quality psychological attention that fit my personal needs. But I have the perfect fit now and I'll never leave him. We are the same age and I love the professional relationship we've forged since 2017.I pay out of pocket 100% for my TMS treatment too... mental health coverage is so inept in the US.

Gotta finish work ...

[bethelbee in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Sorry your MH coverage is 'crappy', but not everyone's is. I am fortunate to have great coverage through my Medicare. Copays for individual treatment dropped from $40 to $30 this year and the 3 rounds of TMS I had had were totally covered. I do agree in general coverage could be better for everyone.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to bethelbee]

I know... it's so convoluted. The whole system needs to be replaced. I have fantastic medical coverage overall but the mental health aspect is a complete joke. May as well be non-existent. I pay 100% out of pocket for my TMS. I'm approaching $10k since Feb '22. Maybe someday it will change. I keep hoping 🤞

[Good_for_us in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Same with me- I have to pay out of pocket 100%. I have company insurance but the good therapists around here don’t take most insurance, if any. The going rate is $300/hr. Mine is giving me a break right now and lowered it as I am running out of money. Nothing like adding financial stress on top of regular anxiety and depression! 😒 It’s a crime how mental health coverage is so poor in the US.

[MaggieSylvie]

Well done, Rupert, for talking to your wife. It is so good when both of you allow that to happen, isn't it. I cannot advise on therapists from personal experience, and I would love to take that route myself. Good luck, and I hope you find an affordable way through.😊

[RupertBrown in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Thanks Maggie, i appreciate your encouraging words. Shortly after the sexual abuse happened (I was around age 7) my parents started taking in foster children. Despite their efforts to the contrary, I walled myself off and in a few years I "learned" shame and guilt and to internalize everything. Almost 40 years later I still have a hard time with being open and communicating. When I get overwhelmed emotionally I dissociate, and often resort to self harm. The latter is something I thought I had recently gotten over, but it's back and I'm so tired of my bad coping mechanisms. It's time for a change.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to RupertBrown]

There is so much there in your childhood. I am sorry, and I can understand something of how you must have felt with new family members suddenly arriving in your home. It's no wonder you shut yourself off.

You did nothing wrong. You have to tell yourself that - until the child in you gets it. So many times, you have to find the words to tell yourself. As you say, forty years later, and you are no longer that child. The things you learned - who taught you? Are those things true? Are they relevant to you now? What respect do you have for the people who taught you? Are they still in your life? What have you managed to change? These are the sort of questions I would ask you if I were your lifecoach. I have to go now.

My partner is finally accepting help from me with the new printer. Let me know if these questions help.🤗🤗

[Focusedmind]

I also agree with the above commentors, that it is a really good thing that you were able to share your situation with your wife. And I especially agree with LifeisthePitts about not getting one that is too inexperienced. I have had good therapists that have been male or female, and from a variety of ethnic backgrounds, but experience is the key important issue for me.

[RupertBrown in reply to Focusedmind]

Thanks Focused, that is something I will keep in mind. I'm hoping I find one that is a good fit. That seems to be a common thread in the replies. I've spent my entire adulthood as a passenger in my own life and I'm ready to take the wheel.

[Madigansmom]

You have made AMAZING PROGRESS in your journey to wellness. My experience is, do not "fret" when seeking the "right" therapist. Those who do this work will "interview" you to help you determine if it's a good fit for both of you. It will be a positive experience if you trust your instincts. Rest easier now. Know that you are on the track to better wellness. I applaud your brave steps. You have taken control of your healing and that is the most effective and important step. Kudos to you!

[RupertBrown]

Thanks for your encouragement and support. I do feel a little better since making this decision. While I wait to begin I'm going to resist my urges to second guess and invalidate myself. I am done running and hiding and waiting.

[momander]

Hi Rupert,

Firstly I think it is really strong of you to have taken the step to talk to your wife, then to realise that perhaps you need help by way of a therapist. I think the most important thing is to talk to a few therapists first, juast to see how you gel with them!? I am in the UK and I am a therapist. I offer a free introductory call to all my clients. It works really well as it gives the client the opportunity to talk, and also to get a feeling of whether they think they could work with you. I think the most important thing for me is fostering trust in this relationship, as afterall, the client may share a lot of personal, private and sometimes intimate things. You need to feel comfortable enough with your therapist to do this. Also, don't be scared to tell the therapist how YOU want to work!!! there should never be an imbalance of power!!! this is a relationship where you are BOTH equal. I really do hope that you find someone who fits perfectly with you, and you can work with in finding a solution to your issues. Good luck and take care.

[RupertBrown in reply to momander]

Thanks for the info. A lot of this is going to be determined by financial factors, but I will do my homework first. I am less optimistic today than yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well lately and I'm probably just tired, but my anxiety has been raging all day and it seems to be gaining steam as the day wears on. I will try to stay calm this evening and maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks again for the inside information!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to RupertBrown]

So much of what you're saying is true for me too, and gives me hope. I had no sleep at all last night. My anxiety today has been -- I like your word, raging. I will follow your lead and try to be calm tonight, and hope tomorrow will be better.

[RupertBrown in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Sometimes I forget about all the little things that can exacerbate my anxiety. Low blood sugar, lack of sleep, stress etc. I'm sure there's a term for it or a better way of putting it, but I get stuck in these ruts and that fight or flight feeling sets in and won't go away. It's hard to remember that the feeling is temporary, that I'm not in danger and all is not lost. Today I am opting to just do the best I can and wait it out. Hope your evening is more peaceful than your day was.

[designguy]

i agree with the suggestions here that with your background/history you would probably be best served by working with a therapist that specializes in treating trauma/c-ptsd. Mine used emdr as part of the therapy and it was really helpful for my healing. i had worked with a number of different therapists and types of therapy before but made the most progress with him. A big part of my anxiety issues was from the repressed anger and emotions I had from growing up in an emotional repressive abuse household and from also being bullied in school so anxiety can definitely be as a result of trauma. My therapist also offered a sliding scale fee structure which a number of therapists will especially if you don't have insurance or have limited insurance.

[RupertBrown in reply to designguy]

Thanks for the insight, and good to hear from you. I remember enjoying your posts and replies when I was a new member. Quick question: what's emdr? I keep seeing it mentioned and I'm curious why I should look into it.

[designguy in reply to RupertBrown]

You're welcome Rupert. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is a mental health treatment technique. This method involves moving your eyes a specific way while you process traumatic memories. EMDR's goal is to help you heal from trauma or other distressing life experiences. My therapist used hand buzzers that I held one in each hand instead of having to move my eyes which I found much easier to do. The therapy helps you process the traumatic memories/emotions so that when you recall them again in the future they no longer have any emotional charge. I initially tried emdr with a general therapist and it wasn't very effective but working with the trauma therapist using it worked. Here's a link to more info about it: emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

[RupertBrown in reply to designguy]

I checked out that link. Fascinating stuff. I am going to have to remember to ask about this. Thanks again, designguy!

[designguy in reply to RupertBrown]

You're welcome, if you do it I hope it's helpful for you.

[designguy in reply to RupertBrown]

I wanted to add that investigating our past and determining what stories/beliefs we are telling ourselves consciously and subconsciously can help us in self understanding and gives us the power to drop old beliefs/patterns that no longer serve us and create new ones that do. Working with my trauma therapist really helped me with this.

[RupertBrown in reply to designguy]

It's funny you say this, as it ties into a big reason I've decided to start therapy. What you said about self understanding and belieds and patterns, this has been my strategy for healing and managing my mental health the last few years. It's served me well and I've made significant progress, but I think I have reached the limits of what I can do on my own. I am anxious to see what a professional can offer and where I need to go from here. Your experience in this area has me feeling a little better about my decision to seek help. Thanks again for sharing your insights!

[designguy in reply to RupertBrown]

You're welcome, sounds like you are on the right track.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I’m happy to hear that you are seeking therapy. I’ve always look for good reviews through like healthgrades.com and even sometimes insurances have a rating system. Go with someone you feel comfortable talking with like male or female therapist, younger or older etc. The whole point is what makes you comfortable and relaxed to talk.

Let them know if you have any goals in mind. Maybe they can help you create like an action plan.

If you don’t feel like doing good in like 3 months time or don’t feel comfortable with this therapist, it’s perfectly okay to walk away and see someone else. Don’t feel bad in firing them. They understand this, it’s part of their job. Besides with the amount they charge you should feel like you’re getting your money’s worth.

[RupertBrown]

Thanks cl3v3r-girl! I like what you said about knowing my goals going in. I'm going to put some thought into that. Also, your last sentence gave me a chuckle, it's like you can read my mind!

[Hidden]

Happy for you! 👍🏻😊

My advice would be to be 100% honest in therapy. In the past, I wouldn't share some struggles and it didn't help, ya know? Also, set up goals for what you want from therapy, bring a notebook or journal so that you can bring your therapy tips/homework home with you.

And, keep going even if you don't feel like it or, think you're ok. Sending light your way ✨️ 💛