What next?

[nicetry]

Hi. Sorry in advance that this is so long. I’m debating my next step for my severe treatment resistant depression and GAD.

I’m on several meds for depression and anxiety. I also have an autoimmune disease that causes muscular and joint pain, so I take a couple of pain meds & marijuana (it’s legal where I live)

I tried TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) this year but it didn’t help much. I participated in clinical trials for ketamine a few years back (before it was FDA-approved) — it didn’t help me, but I had only 2 infusions and my doctor said recent studies show that severe depression may need 8 or more infusions.

Now I’m wondering what to do, because I’m so tired of living this way. I often feel like I should just wave the white flag & say “ok depression, you win”, give up fighting & kill myself.

I can do ECT, but among other things I’m worried about side effects, what I’d tell my boss, how much time my husband can take off to drive me across town & back for treatments. I’m wondering if (a) I should ask the doc about trying ketamine again (b) whether my insurance should pay for it (c) ECT or ketamine or whatever I choose doesn’t work. I’m so afraid that if I don’t get “results” soon I’m going to try taking my life.

[Maelcum]

We are going through the exact same thing

[Maelcum in reply to Maelcum]

Do you get blamed when the treatments don’t work? I do

[nicetry in reply to Maelcum]

What?! Blamed my who? That’s awful!

[nicetry in reply to Maelcum]

That’s supposed to say blamed BY who 😉

[Jeff1943]

"Hope and help for your nerves" by Doctor Claire Weekes. First published before you were born (probably) and still saving lives. Around $4 for a used copy from eBay or a little more new from Amazon. Life changing.

[nicetry in reply to Jeff1943]

Thanks! I’ll check it out.

[Jeff1943 in reply to nicetry]

Life changing! And no long words or fancy phrases.

[Kaytee1981]

I'm in the same boat - I could of written your post myself! TMS didnt work for me I had it for about 4months, they just kept going every day! Ketamine gave me a really bad reaction and i had to be sedated, they tried twice more but I didnt go into the dissociative state needed for it to work.

I've tried to kill myself a handful of times, most recently 3wks ago and I ended up unconscious for 16hrs, a catheter and cannula in my foot.

I'm currently on duloxetine, pregabalin, lithium and promethazine which seem to be the best combination at the moment but I'm concerned my anxiety meds aren't working as well. It was suggested that I do ECT last time I was in hospital in August but nothing came of it so I guess that's not an option and like you say the side effects are scary.

I feel like everyone around me has given up - professionals and family so feel like why should I bother to fight cos fighting is so ridiculously hard work. I've got no purpose, I'm not even working cos they wont let me go back and when/if I go back I can't do the job I'm trained to do.

Sorry I'm no help but you've helped me in that i know I'm not the only one who understands.

[nicetry in reply to Kaytee1981]

And I’m glad to hear from you too. I was fairly recently put on lithium (in addition to a ton of other stuff) specifically to dull my suicidal ideations. It’s helped a bit, but bc of my autoimmune disease I can’t take too much lithium.

When I tried ketamine ALL that happened was the dissociative state lol. But again I only had it twice.

I know the feeling that everyone’s given up. I work but only very part time — I doubt I could hold down a full time job. I’m not even sure why I’m still alive most days.

[Kaytee1981]

Do you have children?

[nicetry in reply to Kaytee1981]

No