severe social anxiety and depression

[jack2023]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this site and new to posting anything on social media. I have a hard time communicating, so it may take a while but I hope to say everything I mean to say. I've been suffering from severe social anxiety and have been living in near isolation from everyone, except for close family members, and even around them I have a hard time feeling free and normal. Though I grew up in the US, for over fifteen years I've been living in Asia thinking that, since I'm ethnically Asian, I'd feel more comfortable, normal, and accepted here. But I've come to realize that there is no escape, and my symptoms are stronger than ever, so much so that I can't even walk outside due to my fear of having to face people walking passed me. Dealing with waiters and cashiers is very difficult as well; I am at a loss for words and my interactions are choppy and stilted. In the end, with nearly every interaction I make others feel uncomfortable, and as I walk away I replay what I should have done and feel dejected. This, in part, I believe, stems from trauma. In the US, in my middle and high school years, I attended a minor Catholic seminary in what I later understood to be a very conservative religious congregation, even according to Vatican standards, so much so that the school was closed after Vatican investigation. The very regimented upbringing did not take a toll, but the racism and many public humiliations I experienced there due to my strong Asiatic features may have something to do with it. I can list many examples, but one being that I was excluded from school photos and group activities. Several times I was ridiculed during sermons, with almost every one of my fellow 'brothers' laughing in stride. The congregation prides itself on a certain distinguished look for their priests and religious, with a certain charismatic personality. I was able to cultivate the personality they wanted in the first three years, but in my fourth year when racist remarks and public humiliations grew hurtful and more vicious, I turned inward and became withdrawn, which my superiors took as a sign that I was anti-social and unfit to become a priest. In the end, after four years there, I was told that I didn't have a vocation. This was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem. When released out into the world for the first time after living virtually cloistered away from the 'sinful' world, I experienced a cultural shock from which I am still recovering despite the passage of time. The same low feeling about myself, the lack of friends, and a growing disinterest in everything still follow me. I'm prescribed Xanax and Abilify by my psychiatrist, but I feel that they only get to the surface of the matter. Does anyone know if there is an online support network where I can meet or interact with others one-to-one feeling the same way as I do? Perhaps if I learn to befriend others who know what it's like to be feeling the way I do, I can hope to get better. Thank you.

[Catt02]

Right, well that's a lot to deal with and I can relate in some ways. I've had a social phobia most of my lifetime. Over time I've gotten over some of it but I'm still overwhelmed in stressful situation. It ruined any love life as it did with a career. Depression is the worst of it. Also, I have the self-esteem issue since childhood. Grew up in the Mormon church, same deal with the conservative, racist environment. Sex was heavily restricted etc. I never fell for that nonsense, left as soon as I got a driver's license. Lot of heavy issues at home that contributed to my mental illness. I'm now recovering Benzos almost 7 yrs off Clonezapam and has been a really rough time of it. I'd get off the Xanax if I were to suggest. I'm on a Benzo support site, otherwise, life in isolation, just me and the cat.

[jack2023 in reply to Catt02]

Life in the seminary was very strict. Since 12 years old, when I entered, all of us took a vow of silence, no phone calls to parents or to the outside world in general, no TV (so we didn't know what was happening), no free time on our own, no friends (we're supposed to practice universal charity), etc. We were preparing to take our vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience for the novitiate. Because I was taught at an impressionable age that this was the life God planned for us, I took it all in. I'm glad to know that you had the sense to find a way out of it earlier on. Despite all this, I am, in a way, still living the seminary life out in the world, a life devoid of wants/interests and isolation from the world around me. You're right about the Xanax. I'll have to find something else.

[012703060610]

Welcome. I really appreciate the detail of your post and sharing your feelings. I cannot imagine what you have been through. It wasn't until recent years that I realized how much our childhood matters and dealing with any issues earlier may have helped my current mental state. I would sit with a therapist and blow off the "daddy issues" comment. However, I finally realized through my new counselor that I am allowed to view my parents in the light in which I really do see them. They are very religious as well, Protestant upbringing and strict as ever. My parents stuffed me into every and any activity possible. They burned into me that success in life is needed at all costs. I continued my life in this manner and WAS extroverted, confident, usually happy and always with a sense of humor. However, I was always restless. I thought I was happy but deep down something had always felt off once I graduate college. After getting COVID, I fell enormously ill. I had to relocate due to a nasty divorce for custody, after being sick for about a year I quit my job because it was 15 hour days of online video. I lost 40 pounds. I suffer from pretty extreme PTSD with long list of traumas. Right now my PTSD counselor cannot help me with prior trauma as I'm living it now.

Bringing this back to you......all of this terrible crap in my life crept in all at once, including family drama because I realized I wasn't doing things for me, but always for them. I spend every day trying not to leave the house. This feels terrible and I have three small kids that deserve their mother in good condition. I cannot even seem to find joy with them. I can fake it pretty well and still parent, but physically I am unable to do much. I too cannot look people in the eye any more. Stores are beyond stressful. I have at least 4-8 Drs appointments a week and that is the extent of my life. I do ok with the medical community as my illness is serious and I need to take it seriously. When it comes to other parents, people random in stores......forget a restaurant...I can't face it. I feel as if I have lost too much and feel some level of shame about this. You are NOT alone on this site with your fears. I think most of us here have some issues socially that we are trying to solve. It's a vicious cycle. I may have a decent day through the eyes of others, but it took all of my emotional energy to make it happen.

Keep posting and reading. I find a lot of strength on this site at times and in random places. There are several communities here as well. I belong to the PTSD community and a few others related to physical ailments.

[jack2023 in reply to 012703060610]

Thanks for sharing. I'd thought that I was suffering alone, living a cloistered life in the seminary and in self-imposed isolation out in the world. But I realize that there are kind, decent folks suffering the way I do and doing their best to overcome. Reading your post gives me both strength and encouragement. Your kids are lucky to have such a caring, thoughtful person as their mother. I'll keep on reading and posting.

[designguy]

I grew up in a fundamentalist christian household and realized that I did not believe the way they and my parents did and saw the hypocrisy, racism and prejudice that they ascribed to and realized it wasn't for me. I also had social anxiety from my upbringing but had no idea what I was dealing with until a number of years ago.

My suggestion is that you find a therapist that specializes in treating social anxiety if possible and work with them to help you learn new productive ways of thinking about yourself and how others perceive you. You may also be suffering from c-ptsd trauma and could benefit from working with a trauma therapist. Mine used emdr therapy which was very helpful for my healing.

I was punished as a kid for showing any signs of being proud of myself or standing up for myself so I had no self-worth or self-esteem which is common with people who have social anxiety and could be the same for you. There is a lot of good info on youtube about it, I particularly like the youtubes of Julia Kristina, Bernadette Logue and Dr. Bernadette Sewell. You might also like the youtube of Sebastiaan at Social Anxiety Solutions.

[jack2023 in reply to designguy]

Thanks for all your suggestions. I'll be sure to check the info on youtube. Pride was a mortal sin, and humility was a virtue in my religious congregation: These are the issues I should flesh out with a good therapist. I'm living in Asia at the moment, and my current psychiatrist keeps prescribing more medication instead of trying to get to the core. I'm looking to make a switch, hopefully finding one dealing in social anxiety. I'm even thinking that going back to the US may be best to get proper treatment.

[designguy in reply to jack2023]

Going back the US is probably a good idea, I think there are probably more options here for different types of therapy and modalities.