I experience social anxiety around coworkers and feel uncomfortable with gossip, and talking about personal, private, political, religious, personal life choices and what not. I feel discomfort with people talking to me when I’m working and with maintaining my own space. I feel a challenge when it comes to distinguishing my self from my work self. It feels I have “walls” up and then sometimes overshare. I feel left out at times and sometimes like I don’t belong. I like to work alone and make my decisions quickly. I feel like discussion and going over details for so long waste time. Because if this, I feel like I push people away for the reason that everyone else seems to want to make a group decision. Everyone always says I’m nice and I’m sweet but I feel anxiety. I like to work and am really good with customers. I am friendly, empathetic and personable but it takes a lot of energy out of me. I also suffer from chronic pain and the anxiety I fee thru the day doesn’t help with my healing. Does anyone have any strategies on how to work with this?
Social anxiety: I experience social... - Anxiety and Depre...
Social anxiety
It's only a problem if you perceive it to be. Most people are like your co-workers but not everyone is and I met many like you in my working life. Ones like you always did a good job and were well thought of and maybe envied a bit by others who make their working life an extension of their leisure time.
You have said people like you so I don't think you have to worry about being different to most people. Celebrate your difference and I bet if you look around you will notice other workers like yourself. You are by no means unique or even that unusual.
Thank you. Those are really kind words and I appreciate that. It seems like a lot of people are like that. It makes it feel like it’s hard to trust others and share yourself with them. It feels discouraging and feels like conversations then become so superficial then feels like I’m sitting in a whole pool of discomfort until they go back to what they were doing. It’s difficult for me to Segway/put a stop to it because I’m kind of centre to everyone in the workplace.
To me, your personal choices about gossip, political and religious discussion sound quite admirable especially in a work environment. I wouldn't classify that as social anxiety unless it affects your friendships and personal relationships. Our work 'self' is a much different critter than our personal 'self'. You may feel as if you're compensating for a perceived lack of socialness at work, but as hypercat54 said that is only a perception. We don't know how others feel about us even when they tell us as they may not know themselves. It is all perception. And our mind tends to take our perception as factual when there is very little evidence that what we perceive is reality.
You see, the mind is a problem solver. That is it's self-appointed job. And if a problem doesn't exist, it will make one up. This is, in part, instinctual and there is little we can do other than realize what is going on. Thoughts are simply thoughts. It is the significance we place on them that gives them weight in our body/mind experience. Without significance they come and go like the wind.
I'm a big fan of Claire Weekes book 'Hope and Help for Your Nerves.' She was an Australian Psychologist who had issues with panic attacks. Her book was written in the 60's and, although the language is a bit dated, is very pertinent to what I go through on a daily basis. Pick it up and give it a read.
Interesting - this is making my head spin LOL. The thoughts and tension make it feel so real to me. I’m having a difficult time recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts. I feel like I am glued to my thoughts and it’s so difficult to feel grounded. I feel like the world is not real at times. The idea of “I think therefore I am” comes to mind. I always think that my thoughts are somehow the truth and the reality at hand but the two are not aligned. How do you align your thoughts to work with you and shape reality more positively and constructively?
The concept of a work self and a personal self is difficult to grasp as well. It feels like sometimes the lines are blurred and I cannot distinguish between the two. Sometimes it feels like it’s so easy to feel like everyone is a friend too.
I'm with you on the tension front. I don't even need conscious thought to be tense: mine comes from my sub-conscious. Soon it becomes habit and the body/mind thinks the tension is it's normal state of being when, in fact, it is not. This is how harmful feelings, attitudes and thought patterns get embedded: they get repeated. And, as with a lie, if you repeat it often enough it soon becomes the accepted truth.
And Descarte was incorrect with his theory. We are not our thoughts. If we were our thoughts, we could not observe them. And the mind can be trained. And thought can be stopped, or at the very least quieted down to a soft murmur. How do I make my thoughts work for me? Well, in truth, I don't. I simply incline my mind towards wellness, happiness and lack of suffering. You see, intention always precedes thought. We have an intention and then a thought. I swing my intentions in a way I want them to be. I do that by practicing the brahma viharas, or divine abiding meditation. I try to eat healthy, exercise regularly, watch encouraging shows. Garbage in, Garbage out is an old computer programming saying that comes to mind (forgive the pun). It takes time. And patience. And a shift in perspective. But it can and does occur.
I don't think meditation is a requirement for changing our intentions and I definitely recommend you get a qualified, fully-realized teacher if you decide to go down that path. I think intention can be modified in different ways. The book I recommended is good. Give it a go. Claire also has some stuff available on Audible if your into that.
You may be an introvert, as opposed to being socially anxious. Introverts aren't sick. The just thrive under more private circumstances.
Hmm. Something to definitely explore further. Thanks for the feedback. Do you know how to differentiate between the two?
You have leadership potential. That’s what I call that. I struggled with this a lot myself. I tried really hard (and even cried about it) because I didn’t fit in. But I finally had to give up on fitting in because it was making me sacrifice my values. I don’t naturally want to gossip. Ranting is one thing... problem solving in one thing too. But the kind of destructive gossip that keeps people stuck in a situation is destructive to me. It sounds like it is to you, too. So, after a while, I began to see that the people in charge were not looking for the cool crowd. They are looking for leaders who can do the job and get it done on time. (Yeah, I’ll brag, I got a promotion after I stopped trying to win people over or fit in). I don’t think anyone wants a leader who is involved in gossip and friending everyone at work. A well-meaning, detached, but competent worker is a much better leader. I think you have leadership potential. You can still stick to talking about the weather, sports, weekend plans, stuff like that. And while they’re busy figuring out how to get a happy hour together, you can put in that extra effort on your meeting prep. You know, the meeting where you ask your boss for a raise.😉
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. That’s the thing, I don’t mind ranting and working together constructively but the gossiping makes me so uncomfortable. I could not care less about what’s happening to people who Work for the same company are doing in their private lives. It makes it so unsettling especially if I meet the people that are being gossiped about. It feels like it’s casting a negative impression about them and who are the people who gossip to do that? It’s makes me feel like there’s toxic sludge spilling into the space. Also, I’m not really desiring to be a leader or to be promoted. I’d just like to work in a space that is more organic and less “gossipy”
Hello I think you are a really nice person to not gossip or talk too much.
I lost my job because of lockdown and a person has brought the building but it's not a problem because I am not well
Getting back to the point, my colleagues knew they could trust me because like yourself I never got involved with any debates but we were working. Anyway my colleagues didn't talk like that
Point being is I would feel like saying "haven't you got any work to do?"
I did say that once years ago and walked off when I said it because I was surprised at myself.
Don't be hard on yourself. You sound like a very trustworthy person and people like you are hard to meet.
It took me years to learn that if people talk to you about other people's lives, then they will talk about you.
That’s what I’m feeling somewhat. That if people gossip and share personal information about people over and over again, it makes me uncomfortable to share myself and my life. I’m bothered by that a lot. It makes me feel like I have to put on a veil about who I am. I’m sorry to hear you lost your job and are not well. Are you able to take time to rest and recover?
Awe thank you for your kind message.
I'm ok. I love my flat and I have to pull myself together.
I agree with the answer saying that in a work place they need WORKERS!
That is spot on.
Maybe I should not say this but if my colleagues annoyed me I play a trick that I have done and it works. I would take out my mobile and say to the silent phone
"Anyway, I've just arrived at work. See you tonight. Yes, and I love you too".
If anybody asks do not react. I mean don't answer.
Let me know how you get on.
Love and hugs and thumbs down to the gossipy fake people.
Hey I do something similar too LOL and then I say “I’m putting my phone in my purse now because I’m at work but I’ll check in at some point if I get a chance”. Haha. It’s a bit passive aggressive and doesn’t work. It bothers me when I feel like I’m working but some of my coworkers spend the day on their mobile taking personal calls. I don’t mind if it’s every now and then because we’re human and balancing life and work is something we all have to deal with but when a colleague spends the whole day on the cell not working, i get a little unmotivated to do my work.
I understand currently I am in a new field whereas prior to this I was in an executive position for more than a decade. Making the life choice to enter a new field meant starting at the bottom when I have been accustom to being the boss. Now I feel discomfort that I don't know everything that I should and i feel as if my co workers point out the smallest of things to challenge me, but it is perspective. I can allow this to effect me by taking everything that them say personally attaching emotions to it or I can look at it as a chance to grow and learn. We all think and operate differently so I try to see it from their point of view. Still there are times that I have to step away take a few minutes to process reenact the situation or to meditate to regain my inner peace. Your inner peace can never be taken by others we instead give it away to them.
As a supervisor, I can tell you that you are an ideal employee. And even though it may be hard for you to see, you are respected and valued. I too have a very hard time with small talk, I feel like if we are having a conversation it should be to solve a problem, or learn something productive. I sometimes feel that I am un-compassionate because my mind wanders when employees are telling me things about their personal life. I have to make a conscious decision to listen, and to know that these people are usually telling me these things because they are important to them. I can also relate when you say sometimes you feel left out, but then I realize I probably wouldn't be happy if I were included....... It is amazing how different God makes human beings. So many different personalities, and so many of these personalities can clash. I think it is good you don't gossip, or talk politics, these are things that can cause so many problems in the workplace. Try not to doubt yourself, know that you are super valuable!
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