Battling with Social Anxiety and depression

[connie90]

Having my disorder is extremely difficult to live the life i want to live. Its like being in an escape room with no escape from your own mind and body. It's tormenting, it's aggravating, it's lonely. I cant exactly pinpoint how long I've had the disorder, but iv'e been struggling with it on and off my entire life. Now, at almost 28 years old, it's become even more difficult to deal with. I've been fighting for the last year with myself, going back and forth on "am i going crazy"? The battle is 10x's more exhausting because my support system doesn't know how to support me, and they unintentionally make it worse. I fear even bringing up the fact that i need help or treatment for a few reasons. One being i don't want to be judged as "losing it" or "crazy", as I've heard before from others cases. I also don't want to take medication in fear of being judged on why i'm taking it, also fears of adverse reactions to the medication. I don't want to be viewed as my disorder because i feel like deep down somewhere i can overcome it. Social anxiety has effected my everyday life from work, to finances, raising my daughter, having a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, having a stable life, interacting with family and friends. It's difficult to watch my life fall apart because of my actions and even my words. It's hard for me to trust anyone because people lie and are selfish. People say they want to help to turn around and put you on the street.

I read an article about some 18,000 people committed suicide since actor Robin Williams took his like three years ago. Still, people down play the seriousness of mental health. Just two years ago I senselessly took sedatives with alcohol, knowing the effects but going forth with it. At those times it was me giving up, but it was also a cry for help that i need help. I've shared this with relatives, their response was nothing. I was surprised at how unconcerned their reactions were that i could have taken my life. It was nonchalant to say the least. I stopped that madness of mixing thanks to my boyfriend. The black community suffers from mental health disorders more common than not, and i feel that the black family definitely turns a blind eye. As my mother would put it, I need to "get over it". I wish i could. I wish there was an escape other than weed and liquor from my mind. How i explained it to someone a time before, its like running in a race and continuously passing the piton to yourself. I'm up all night from insomnia, my appetite is almost nonexistent, I've been out of work because of my disorder, i have all these plans of things i want and need to do that usually don't happen. I make promises to my daughter or people to go out, and then close to the time, i sabotage it so i don't have to go in public places due to my lack of trust. I always feel bad afterwards because i don't like when people feel like they cant rely on me. It's constant competition with myself to prove that i can display and be what i don't see in others. I don't want to be a victim to this any longer, at the same time i don't know where to seek help. I reached out for help passively and aggressively within the last year and i find myself with the same results. I want help, I'm trying to seek it myself because, with a year of complaints to people i trusted and thought could help me, they didn't. This heightens my social anxiety and my depression. I feel like the only way i'll find true peace of mind is when i leave this world. For my time here, i have to figure out how to be a prisoner in my own body. I am not crazy, and i'm not losing it. I'm just fighting to be "normal" and live a "normal life".

[hypercat54]

Hi anxiety is awful isn't it? I will say that you are obviously having problems dealing with it on your own so maybe it is time to accept medical help? Firstly no one has to know you are on any meds unless you choose to tell them, and secondly every med has side effects even aspirin! If for example you broke your leg would you refuse painkillers because of what others thought and because of possible side effects? Taking meds does not mean 'giving in' it means accepting the help available if you need to. Have you looked at counselling as well?

I am afraid at the end of the day if you don't want to go down the medical route then there is only the self help one left. Have you looked at mindfullness, meditation, yoga etc.?

[connie90 in reply to hypercat54]

Hi, yes i tried counselling on two separate occasions just last year. They both failed and i got discouraged which is why i tried to just self help. I thought yoga as of recently, i wouldn't mind trying out now that you mentioned it

[hypercat54 in reply to connie90]

There are lots of different types of counselling so don't give up. Counselling isn't an easy or short term option and it will take time to start helping. Good luck with the self help route. x

[Queenofanxiety in reply to connie90]

CBT therapy is said to be the most effective - have you tried that?

[Hugsforyou28]

Hi connie- You are not alone. I completely understand how you're feeling and I'm sorry youre going through this. I'm sorry that you're support network doesn't understand what youre struggling with. Its so frustrating when people think that we are "weak" or that anxiety/depression is something we can just "shut off" or that its something we just make up. I'm sure we all wish it were that easy! It seems like you would benefit from getting some help. If your family isn't going to take you, then you owe it to yourself to get the help you need. Its out there you just need to go out and get it. I know you said youre against medication. I too was reluctant to take medication because of the same reasons but it has helped me tremendously. My mental health is the forefront of my concerns, without being mentally stable, everything else seems to fall apart. We all deserve happiness and for some, its more of a struggle than for others. You can be happy and you will. Try to get the help you need! Also mediating, hypnosis, breathing techniques, journaling, and reaching out for help (like joining this site) have helped me so much. I am happy to say with all of these things, I am climbing my way out of a severe depression, one that left me suicidal. Please know that youre not alone and that recovery is possible. It might not be easy but its so worth it. You can do this. I'm here if you need me

[connie90 in reply to Hugsforyou28]

Thank you so much for understanding. I have my up days and down days so often they just run together. I'm looking to find a doctor that i'm comfortable with, that's like trying to find a needle in a haystack with my insurance. I'm hopeful, and thanks again

[tashalyn]

You, yourself stated that people underestimate the seriousness of this condition, and yet you are refusing to seek out help in fear of being judged? Now see I know it sucks, god knows when I was first diagnosed with mental illness 8 years ago I was in denial, but I accepted and accepted the help that medication and therapy can offer, in fact I became very open about my condition. Reach out for professional help.

[Queenofanxiety]

Being in an escape room with no escape! That’s EXACTLY how this feels! One thing I’ve overcome is my care if people think anything about me taking meds. If someone had diabetes, people wouldn’t tell them to just “get over it” same goes for mental health. I had something happen Friday that led me to a crash of a weekend - my anxiety is still bad, but medication is helping some. I found through my reading I actually have probably escalated to GAD and I definitely have social anxiety aspects in there. No one needs to know if you choose to take medication nor does anyone NEED to know if you choose to seek counseling.