Intense darkness

After having an lsd trip 7 years ago (consult a therapist before psychedelic use) I realized I was gay and couldn't accept it because of my dad. The last 7 years hidden truths have come up of my dad being a major Narcisst who certainly has cheated on my mom even with his own co-worker. I have so much shame and guilt in not being able to live my true life in order to set my mom free yet the grips of my mental health, my dad's negative influence, Sadhguru's idea of nirvana (at first saved my life cause I thought I could have the power to connect with a masculine dominant woman but later has become a huge hindrance) I just don't know how to get passed this shit. The disconnect I feel with people is making me question whether I'm autistic or just a bad person and this whole thing is so difficult. I don't know what to do about it. Any idea would be taken into consideration at some point. Thank you.

[Hidden]

I come from an orthodox Christian family from Bosnia and my grandpa is a pastor. Hence a deep rooted conservatism. While also confusion because I have been attracted to women slightly but I dont think anyone is 100% gay or straight but like I can live on 2%

[blackcat64013]

Hi, Thanks for your post about your family. All that you have written proves that you are human and things happen to us.

The most important thing is to look after No. 1 - you.

If things are more complicated than you can manage on your own, reach out for help to a trusted person in your circles or to a mental health professional.

If you can get yourself into a good head space then you can look after other people who need you or take steps out of the situation.

Best wishes, 🐈‍⬛

[Hidden in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you

[Manxiety]

Sexuality and previous drug use doesn't make you a bad person. Truth is you will not find peace until you accept who you are - and be proud of that.

I struggle to appreciate that being at one with your sexuality is still an issue in 2023 - it is a tiny part of who you are as a person and completely irrelevant to anyone but you. Go easy on yourself and stay away from the LSD! Good luck

[Hidden in reply to Manxiety]

Hey, thank for your support! It's been really difficult to accept myself and I won't lie I've been hating on my friends who are still around from the camping trip/lsd journey as well as folks from my local LGBT club for not showing more support but you raise a good point that it is 2023. I could make excuses that Bosnia is not in 2023 yet but that won't help me and I don't live there nor was actually even born there. I hope I will be able to find peace and I'm gonna try my hardest to get there which these last 2 weeks I've been proving to myself that I am willing to get there!

[designguy]

I read a number of years ago that at the time, the majority of people in therapy had come from some fundamentalist background and I totally believe it. I grew up in a fundamental christian household and was subject to verbal/physical and emotional abuse. I was punished and shamed for showing any signs of being proud of myself or trying to stand up for myself. I also realized the hypocritical nature of "good christians" and the real world which caused me more confusion. Learning to undo my earlier programming and be and accept my true self has truly been rewarding. I recommend checking out youtube for info on healing religious abuse and sexuality issues, it's amazing the variety of info on there. There are also support sites for religious abuse like: recoveringfromreligion.org/ as well as facebook groups for it and sexuality issues.

[Hidden in reply to designguy]

Will need to check out a support group, thank you!

[Midori]

Hi, For starters, you are NOT a bad person, but you have found yourself in bad situation through no fault of your own.

You are not responsible for your father's narcissism.

Cheers, Midori