Feeling Lost.

[ashes412587]

Hey Everyone! I am really nervous to even talk about how I have been feeling, its almost like I am afraid or ashamed to feel the way I do. I know that I shouldn't, depression is something that I have struggled with my entire life, and its never become something I wasn't afraid to talk about. I feel like Im alone, maybe its because when I have tried to open up the people I wanted and needed to be there have pushed me away. I feel like I am now pushing them away, I just don't want to get hurt anymore. This past weekend was a really low point for me, I got to the point that I just didn't want to live anymore...I told my husband I needed to be committed because I really felt I was going to hurt myself...he essentially talked me out of going, then left me home alone to go play a trivia contest that was all weekend long. Last night I asked him to come spend time with me, he was supposed to come home at nine and came home at three in the morning. I can't even put into words how hurt I am, I get the contest is once a year, but I guess I just felt like I would mean something. I feel like all the walls around me are caving in, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything...this kicks my anxiety in because I work full time and go to school half time. Today I couldn't go into work, I knew I reached my breaking point, so now of course I worry about getting fired. Its just to much, and to feel like I have no support makes everything that much worse. I think that part of it is that my doctor changed medications, but I know the med isn't all of it. I have gotten to a point that I just hate myself, I feel unattractive, unwanted, and unloved. Sorry, I know this is a lot to throw out there, but I just need to get it off my chest to start to heal myself. Any words of wisdom would really help because I feel so lost. Thank you.

[gogogirl]

Sorry you are going through this. I am here.

[ashes412587 in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you!

[gogogirl in reply to ashes412587]

I hope also that you find a support system friends /family and /or a live depression support group as well. In my area, there is one but it is a far drive.

[Ddorne]

Ashes, depression makes us feel all alone as if you were the only one to feel that way. You have to remember that it is a sickness that needs to be treated. I am 60 years old and I have had depression episodes since I was 17. I take meds and they help. Are you seeing a Dr.? If not you really should. I also see a therapist which helps a lot You are not alone in this. This site can Be very supportive. Take it slow and go for help. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much.

LD

[ashes412587 in reply to Ddorne]

Thank you, I've been seeing the same doctor since I was a kid sadly. I think a therapist would be a good idea, I just always seem to push my needs away for my husband...and that's what I think keeps killing me inside.

[Threej]

I can really understand your pain. When were anxious and depressed we turn ourselves into victims, because the people that we expect to help us the most don't really understand. No one can understand anxiety panic and depression if they've never experienced it. If you have had this for a while I can understand that you expect your husband to be more sympathetic because it's For Better or For Worse. But also understand that if he has not felt it there's no way that he can truly understand it. I do feel that it is important to have someone to share your feelings with and it's great that you're doing that never be ashamed because people with diabetes are not a shame people with hypertension are not ashamed people with cancer are not ashamed there just sick and we also have a sickness. I suffer with depression anxiety and panic attacks and I put a lot of stress on my kids I know because they really love their mom and if I call there right there I have a huge family but really it just makes me feel worse when they have to stop their lives to help me cope with something that I've been coping with since I was 12 and I'm 50. The thing that I can recommend that helped me so much was journaling getting all my feelings out this is a good too knowing that you are not alone. Excercise stretching, Pilates, meditation all of those things help me to learn how to cope as well as being consistent with my medication. I myself have a hard time taking my meds, I hate taking any and all medication, but it is a big part of being well because the healing has got to come from within even though I'm going through it again now and I'm scared to death I wake up every night in a panic with my heart racing I feel stupid everytime I run to the ER but I'm afraid and I think fear and feeling out of control is one of the worst feelings that anyone can experience so just hang in there and do what you can do and find someone who can be there if you have to go out and find a support group if you have to get with therapist take time for yourself to get a hold on your feelings in your emotions. Wishing you all the best

[anich]

Hello, like the previous post there are people here to listen and guide you and just be there for you since that is what people in similar positions really want I believe. Always just express and talk to some one who is actually willing to listen and give helpful feedback and be comforted. wis you the best of luck. people are here for you. if you can try to look for support groups.