Hello all. Hope you are doing well on this fine spring day.
I wanted to come on here and share that my spring break is coming up next week, and I'm really not looking forward to it. Mainly because my boyfriend is going on vacation for most of the week, and I am going to be alone the entire time. It's not jealousy, I promise. I guess it's a fear of him being a thousand miles away from me, so like, I guess I'm scared of something happening to him. I also just don't want to have to go a week of him barely talking to me. I'm glad he'll be having fun and enjoying his vacation, but I'm sad for myself because I know I'm going to be really down the entire time because I'll have no one to talk to or hang out with. It makes me anxious for when he goes to college in the fall, because I'm sure that will be the end of him talking to me very often. I'm expecting to probably not talk to him every day like we do now. And it's going to suck so bad and I hate the thought of it. I know that probably makes me sound extremely clingy, and I realize that I am. But I can't change the way my brain thinks. I can't just say "screw you brain; I'm gonna not be depressed this time." That's just not how it works. I wish that was how it works, but I'm not that fortunate. I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I didn't see this type of stuff as the end of the world. I want to be better. Nothing feels real.
Anyways, sorry for that long rant. There's a lot of emotions in my head that I can't share with him because I don't want to ruin his life too. I'm trying to be better, so constantly complaining about my excessive loneliness does not help the matter. I hope you guys understand.
Thanks for reading if you actually read this. Hope you have a lovely day. And I hope the weather is behaving for you so you can get outside and enjoy the springtime.
I just wanted to say that while you are correct in that you cannot change the way you react right now, because it's more of an automatic response, you can change it over time though. It sounds to me like you are very co-dependent and also that you don't like to be left alone with yourself. I am not judging I am actually the same way. I can't stand myself to the point where the idea of walking alone sounds like hell to me because it's just me and my thoughts. I think practicing some things like self compassion and doing more self care would be really beneficial for you. Especially when you feel alone. I am not saying that it's bad to feel lonely but for the week you are your boyfriend will be apart is not a long time. And while you can feel lonely I think what would help is taking some time to for yourself to show yourself that you matter because you do. Work at things slowly and take some time to say that you are allowed to feel sad. You are perfectly valid in feeling lonely but instead of wallowing in it you can take some steps to mitigate that. Self care is great for this. Spend a few days just taking care of you and your needs. Journaling your feelings is very helpful as well. It can serve as a conversation between you and someone you can't talk to right at that moment. Find some things you enjoy doing and then work on them over those days that you are apart. Maybe learn a new skill. It doesn't even have to be big. Just do something that you love for yourself. The goal is to feel okay with being alone for a short period of time. Baby steps are key for this. And if you start to feel lonely or sad then allow yourself to feel those feelings, journal them and then when they are done work on your copings skills. You can and will get better. It's going to take some time, but it will happen.
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Thank you so much for that thoughtful message. Honestly reading that made me tear up because you're right. I really don't have that positive of a self esteem because my mom has pretty much caused me to think that I'm worthless and never going to be good enough. I'm hoping the week goes by fast because I know that even while I'm trying to work on myself, it's still going to suck not having really anyone around. But I really do appreciate you taking the time to write that because it really did help me, and I am very grateful. <3
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Well your mom is wrong. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are enough, you have always been enough, and you will always be enough. You are worth investing in so I really do hope you spend some time identifying your values so you can see what you have to offer. For example, if you value being kind than that means you yourself are kind or are at least striving to be. that is a wonderful trait to have. Or for example you can say you value giving people the chance to be heard. What does that mean? It means you are compassionate and care about others feelings which is also a great trait to have. There are plenty of good things about you, you just have to be willing to see them for yourself. It's not always an easy road and again, it's really okay to not be okay sometimes. But just remember that progress is not linear and so long as you are working on yourself and doing your best, even if that means just getting out of bed in the morning that is wonderful and that is progress. Keep moving forward you are worth investing in.
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Thank you so much! Reading that just brightened up my mood so much. You are so amazing and caring, and I am so grateful to you for everything you've said. Truly, thank you. <3
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Of course. We all deserve to be told nice things every now and again. And we all deserve support when we are feeling low. And that is what we are all here for. I am glad you are feeling better.
It's okay to trust in the relationship and know he will be back. Keeping yourself busy is one way to help pass the time until you both are together again.
Thank you for that. The week has gone by relatively fast, and it hasn't been as bad as I originally envisioned it would be. I thought that I would have to go a whole week without talking to him, but it hasn't been that way at all. He's still been keeping me company throughout the day, which has been really nice, since I still worry about him being so far away. But I know now that it will be okay, and it's a nice sense of relief.
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