Pain Feeds my Depression which becomes Desperation

[Raggedy-Ann]

My arm hurts. The doctors are not returning my calls. I am loading up on supplements , taking ibuprofen and muscle relaxers my regular meds and my anti anxiety meds. I do heat or ice depending on the swelling. It is in a brace and a sling if I am walking around..... I know I am overloading on meds, I do that to knock myself out. If I am barely moving my arm stops hurting for a little bit, sleeping is the best.

I've been talking to my therapist about the frustration, but not the meds. I opened up for the first time about my suicide attempt. I took a half of a bottle of Ativan but I still woke up the next morning. That was 20 years ago. I am so afraid to tell the truth about how bad my depression really is. We just did my six month plan and for the first time I let her see that dark side of me that I keep hidden. We discussed a safety plan. They ask if you have a suicide plan and I've always said not really or no. It really is a stupid question. I am guessing everyone depressed or not have thought about how they would do it.

My secrecy about my condition is because I don't want to be pulled out of my life and end up in the loony bin- again. So if I am having a really bad moment I go to sleep and hope I feel better when I wake. I do have a huge stash of meds from so many years of trying different medications and a special box if I get to the point of doing it.

I am in a place that I feel safe, I do a small job that I can do and I get a free lunch. I LOVE my dogs and they are truly what keeps me going. I am comfortable in my little life. I woke up this morning to find footprints in the fresh snow. The footprints go up my long driveway , stop by my car which was locked and then went down the alley. It is scary to know someone is lurking around. I am going to have to use my hurt arm and hang up the security camera, and learn how to use it. Sigh....I am rambling, sorry.

[Blueruth]

if it is a thief they randomly try doors hoping they are unlocked. It’s too much work to break into newer cars. Often it is neighbor kids on a dare/drunk or hungry people if that is a big enough problem. Good on you for locking the car in the driveway as a lot of people don’t.

You could get someone to do the security camera from TaskRabbit or thumbtack fairly cheaply.

[bethelbee]

Glad you really opened up to your therapist and let her know what's going on and that you made a safety plan. I've done that with mine before. She also gave me her cell phone number if I really needed her. I've been hospitalized before a few times and at the time it really helped. (Not saying that you need to be right now , just relaying my experience). As far as the use of stockpiled meds if you 'get to that point'. I'm a retired Occupational Therapist and a patient I had years ago tried to OD and ended up severely physically and cognitively impaired .... I hope better days are ahead for you. Has a medication change been discussed or alternative treatment? I've done TMS and for me it really helped. I became treatment resistant to meds after being on them for decades. Please keep me posted.

[SayNOtoPanic]

Hugs to you Raggedy-Ann. Pain is not helpful and definitely increases depressive thoughts and feelings and anxiety. Just sucks. But you’re doing a great job with the anti inflammatory and with doing hot and cold therapy. Do you have a chiro you feel comfy with or a massage therapy place? Maybe that can help with the pain too. Good job on opening up to your therapist and prayers up to you.