Depressed and in pain

[argh52]

New to the community. First post.

I'm sitting at my desk at work, trying to wait out the day. I have work to do, of course, but I cannot do it. I know that you can't will yourself out of depression. I am trying to make as many good choices as I can. I made myself eat breakfast. I've been working out.

But all I want to do is sleep.

Things are f***ed up at home and we are so isolated. I am a fairly rapid cycling bipolar 2, so I'm used to feeling suicidal. I am now so depressed that even that's gone. (Suicidality, while life-threatening, is a sign that you want things to get better. When even that's gone, you are officially hopeless.)

I want to show up for my life. I want to stay upright and take care of myself and be there for my family. But it hurts. On a physical level too.

I just want to go to sleep.

Sunday is father's day and we have something amazing planned. Meh. We were at a thing for my son's kindergarten graduation yesterday. It was simultaneously beautiful and magical, and also meh.

I'm seeing my therapist today so that's good.

I want to be well. I want to go to sleep. I want a hug.

[Hidden]

It’s awful when everything and every day is ‘meh’ isn’t it? I feel that way every day. Never used to but I do know, trauma did it to me, what happened to you ?

[argh52 in reply to Hidden]

Presumably most of us here have been traumatized one way or another. I first started being anxious and depressed when I was 15 (I'm now 40). My mother was emotionally and sexually abusive. I've had a lot of ups to go with my downs.

The last straw was when I recently found out I'm not going to get promoted at work. I guess I was being sustained by this fantasy of how great I am at work (which, in hindsight, I mean, ..., I'm doing fine) and I was already spending my raise... But my wife and I are both really messed up and we aren't that good at taking care of ourselves (like, our apartment is now a little cleaner than it used to be b/c we have to make some effort on behalf of our son). We don't talk to anyone other than our therapists. The shock knocked the wind out of me.

[Hidden in reply to argh52]

Sorry for your troubles, All things considered, you have made it far in life, my troubles only began 2 years ago and I am 61. Before that I was totally ‘normal’. I had just retired when my life fell apart. It could end tomorrow and I am not sure that I would care...I would but I wouldn’t...does that make sense?

[Hidden]

🤗

[argh52 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you