I am becoming a shell of my old self.

[florapeace]

I said this jokingly at a party a while ago and everyone laughed. I don't think they realized that I am seriously in the shitter. I feel like I am not a real person anymore, like it's not me living this life, like I'm on the outside looking in. I wish I still had interests and hobbies but I can't stick with anything because nothing interests me enough. The only thing I'm good about is journaling, as it's the only way to get feelings out when you have no one to talk to. I also keep a journal to track my healing and self-improvement process, but looking back now it's been going downhill for a very long time. Is there anything out there that would particularly interest someone that is interested in absolutely nothing? Trying to stop my romance with hard drugs, but bored and empty when I don't use them.

[RupertBrown]

Hi, what you said about not really living your life hit hard with me. Been feeling similar for a while now. They say everyone is the hero of their own story, well I feel like a secondary character in mine. Same boat as you, nothing interests me any more. Nothing I used to enjoy does anything for me. I just try to stay busy and distracted all day until night, get so stoned that I can't stay awake and repeat it all the next day. Day after day, ad infinitum. I guess I should be happy that I function at a relatively high level, but under the surface there is nothing. Just marching along, empty inside, until my time is up. Wish I knew what to tell you, but I haven't figured it out myself. Just letting you know someone feels you. Here's hoping there's better days ahead!

[Hidden in reply to RupertBrown]

“Is that all there is?” Do you know that song? I feel gut-punched with this post and reply. I’ve said the same thing before! I’m a side-kick. Or, I’m the alternate-universe-me that has an eh life. Somewhere out there, there’s the actual version of me who builds a portal machine and finds me and is like, “ugh. What the heck, other me.”

Have you heard scientists debate whether we are all in a virtual reality simulation? We are now getting to the stage where we are creating better and better simulations. It could be to the point where those simulations are interacting with each other and don’t know they are simulations. Scientists theorize, who is to say that a previous version of us didn’t create us, and we are just gB? So... yeah. 🌈.

[florapeace in reply to RupertBrown]

Thanks so much! It’s sad but also slightly comforting to know that I am not alone in feeling this way

[Nolen42]

Hi Florapeace. When reading by your post it reminds me sooo much of what my wife tell me... I’m on here hoping to get some perspective on how she feels so I can be a better friend and partner. Sounds stupid, I know, because I feel it should be easy. I rarely feel empathy for others. What would you say to me, as far as how you would like to be treated?

[florapeace in reply to Nolen42]

That’s really sweet... I wish I had someone like you. I’m not really sure because I just wanted my SO to listen to me and hold me when I felt bad and give me space when I asked him to, but he said that destroyed his mental health and cheated on me/left me as a result. I guess you could try that but make sure you are not destroying yourself to help her

[endofheartache1290]

I understand where you are coming from. Everything you used to love now does nothing for you and that makes you feel bad so you try to do other things, learn other skills, do anything else to try and feel something other than empty. For me I drink when I get like this as that is my escape and I realized to my own sadness that when I am buzzed is the only time I feel okay. What I have learned is there are a few issues. I don't know you personally but typically when we start feeling this empty it's because of an issue in our lives, we may not be happy with where we are at or something devastating can happen like a close friend dying. When these things take over our thoughts it bleeds into everything else. We get sucked into the pain and thus lose ourselves to it. Until we are nothing but empty and hurting doing anything to try and distract from this feeling. The other side is that some people are more prone to these feelings and actually have a need for medications to stabilize their moods. Take bipolar for instance or BPD. I would advise that if you don't have a therapist find one who works for you. That is key as you can walk into anyone's office and talk but if they are not a good fit for you then you will get no where. Figure out which is the issue. Is if the chemical side or is it the situational side. Then from there make a plan to build yourself back up. The issue here is it's not easy. Sometimes we lose that motivation and that drive to want to feel better. People will say that you should just get up and start moving but how do you do that when you don't have the will or the drive? Well this is where small things come in like brushing your teeth and making sure you have a small routine in daily. that may not seem like much but it's a great start to boost a desire to do something because it's much easier to tell yourself to take a shower if you have already brushed your teeth and gotten out of bed, as opposed to say just trying to get out of bed and go shower. The next part is key because interest and enjoyment in things comes from our own wants to have fun or better ourselves. When we are bad at self compassion and not realizing our own value that takes away from our ability to enjoy. It's literally like saying why should I play guitar when it doesn't matter anyway. Well the reason to play is because it makes you feel good but when you don't feel good about you it loses it's impact and now it just feels like a shell of what it did before. So taking some time to practice self care and self compassion go a long way in helping. This next thing I know is cliche but it is really a thing, get outside in nature. Take a walk. Not just through your neighborhood (though if this is all you can manage right now that is a great start) but like go out and hike a trail. If not just get out to a park and walk around anything to get some sun and to see nature. It really does have a whole bunch of benefits to mental health. And last, try and stop the drug use. I know it seems like that is good but it only makes you feel more empty. At least from my own experiences with drinking that is how I feel. I drink feel that slight bit of happiness and then when I sober up I hate myself more. So focus on you and make yourself a priority because that is what is truly needed right now. I know that all of what I have said is much easier said than done but it's those baby steps that count the most. You can't get to enjoyment and interest if you don't have the fire inside. And that fire only comes back when you want to take care of yourself.

[florapeace in reply to endofheartache1290]

I haven't used any drug in a month, I take walks daily at the park near my house, and I see a therapist and take medication (I have switched my meds 5 times now). Nothing changes, man... I think I might just be stuck.

[endofheartache1290]

Sometimes meds don't work for some. It's unfortunate but it happens. You mentioned some coping practices but again, I want to stress the situational part. If you are happy with your work or social life. Those things will drain you and make you feel horrible. It will also bleed over into everything else. And the thing about situational depression is that even with pills and coping skills it doesn't change the actual issue and thus you stay depressed So for example, myself. I don't really have friends and I am forced to live with my mom at the moment and she is emotionally abusive at times. I could take all the meds in the world I could do everything I could to cope. But I would still be sad because my circumstances are not changing. It gives the appearance of being stuck but it's just the outside that is doing it. Also, i want to note that if your therapist isn't a good fit (not saying this is the case but it's possible) you can find a new one that might work better. A I don't think you are stuck I just think there are other factors going on and like I said healing involves dealing with all the issues. One thing I didn't mention in my other post is dragging around past trauma. I do this too and it makes me miserable. So I don't have an answer for you as to how you don't do that but forgiveness is key and accepting your past is key also. Having a support group is a big one. Having people we trust fully and can be vulnerable around is a necessity. We need that in our lives, whether it's romantic or not. We need human connection. It's both psychologically and medically true. Having those deep connections helps us physically feel better, we even handle pain better, and we are less depressed because we have someone we can depend on. We also, tend to get stuck in the future and say we will be happy eventually which takes away from out being in the present. Good way around this is to have a gratitude journal where you write at the end of each day things you are grateful for. This allows you to accept that some things in the moment are good and proves you are allowed to be happy now. It doesn't have to be big events either. The goal is to show you the things you do get something out of. Even if it's just breathing slowly for 2 minutes that gives you a state of calm. It doesn't even have to be about being happy. Just being calm is nice as well. Or maybe you are grateful that you go on walks and you can start to allow yourself to be happy about that. The point is everything kind of has to be in sync for things to work. I am not saying you are broken or that you are not trying. that is not my intention. I am just trying to show you that there are other ways of healing and dealing with depression outside of meds and coping skills.

[florapeace in reply to endofheartache1290]

Thank you so much for taking the time to say all of these kind and helpful words ❤️ I appreciate it. I think maybe I will try a new therapist, one that understands me and my struggles a bit better.

[florapeace in reply to endofheartache1290]

I have a journal but I should put more positive things in it... I think I will start making daily lists of what I am grateful for, too. Thank you!!!

[endofheartache1290 in reply to florapeace]

All of that sounds great. And reward yourself for making those small changes. Seriously it goes a long way. You got this!