Hard to admit it because I was doing ... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Hard to admit it because I was doing so well but I am becoming more and more depressed

Starrlight profile image

I normally would get outside when I need it even if just for like 10 or 20 minutes to walk in the sun. ☀️ But I’m sick with no energy. And I just cannot be around people. Period. Venturing into the outside world seems like something strange to do and as I was just looking forward to spring I started realizing I will be afraid of it and to make it worse theres the weight I’ve gained. So I’ve stopped eating except for the most healthy and smallest of meals but I’ve been told that will cause me to gain weight like my body will think I am starving and store fat. Whatever. I feel like no matter what I say or do it is always wrong no matter what! Do you ever feel that way? I feel like I need peace like when an animal looks for a place to die. I actually want to die. But I don’t want to hurt others who I love so. I did something risky today. And the other day. Not too risky just a bit. This morning I felt amazing. I tend to get intense back and forth and it exhausts me. I’ve been getting sick all the time and really drained. I don’t feel like the real me. My sentences are hoping around I know. My mind is racing and it’s annoying me. I hope a friend who reaches out to ask me to meditate does so today because when he does it really lifts my spirits and I need lifting. I will meditate and pray regardless, the connection with a friend would give me anxiety anyway actually. I feel cut off from my happy connections right now as if they are almost lies like I’m not even meant to be. I’ll try to hold onto what happiness I know is true. I hope I don’t start slipping into a place where truth becomes foreign; that scares me. I feel like this is not how it’s supposed to be. I cannot go back to that suffering. I won’t. I have to think of a plan.... another plan to distract me from what I can’t handle, from the biggest of mistakes,...

60 Replies

Hello starlight I am sending loads of support and kindness to you ❤️❤️❤️ I am so sorry your feeling this way 🫂

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

Thank you Hiba ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ I don’t know what to do I really thought I’d reached a point where I was so much more in control and now I am on the edge where I didn’t think I’d go to again. Hope is good but I think my hope gets carried away in clouds of my dreams then get thrown back into the seas of reality.

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Life is so hard sometimes but you have to push through it .

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

Yeah true

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Much support to you ☮️❤️

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Your welcome try your best to stay positive my friend sometimes you have to fake it until you become it ❤️🙏

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

I will try to be more positive yes I really will thanks! 😊

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Your welcome ❤️🥰

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

❤️ 🥰

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

❤️❤️

StarWhat is bringing you down? Do you know?

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14

I feel I did something wrong. I did drink a bit the other day and I had quit drinking on Oct 2 so that could have started things off ... it’s terrible but it’s more than that... I’ve also gained a lot of weight from meds but I’m going off one of them now ... and just a lot of things in my life with people are bothering me and stressors in the house being spirits,... I’m sick on top of everything and I can’t really rest properly you know? I should be able to have a needed break. And I need art but can’t find passion for it. Thanks for listening.

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Do you feel like the spirits are giving you negative energy?

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

I’m not sure. It has crossed my mind. I used to pray 5 times a day so I have some of those protection prayers. I should get them out.

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Also have the Quran or bible with you i felt a very bad presence in my brothers room i put the Quran there i dont feel it anymore.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

Aww.Some. Idea Thanks! ❤️

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Your welcome ❤️ i hope that those spirits leave you alone

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply to Starrlight

I'm sorry, you were doing so well. This is such a bumpy road we live on. So many things can tip our stability.

Can you focus on your meditation at all?

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14

Yes I actually have been resting and deep breathing and feeling a little better. I’m in the process of forgiving myself and moving forward... I’m glad you are here... how are you, Dolphin?

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply to Starrlight

I'm ok. Thank you. I was sick for a little while but feeling better

Forgive yourself. We all have set backs. We have to start fresh.

You can do this. Pick a nice meditation and close your eyes and let's go to the beach :)

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14

Yes let’s 🏝 look 👀 theres you! 🐬 😆

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply to Starrlight

Hahaha🐬

😂

Hi Starrlight, sending lots of love and support for you.

Perfect! Thank you.

I feel surprisingly similar Starr. You are not alone. I do try and push myself a bit but often I'm on autopilot and it all feels unreal. I also am trying to deal with underlying issues and emotions but that often caused me to be anxious. Lots of love and thoughts going your way.

I’m so sorry you are going through similar. L❤️VE to you hoping for the best for you to come... you just helped me. Thanks

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to formidible

I am so sorry about that much support and kindness

I am so sorry you're hurting now.

Pull your shoulders down. Take one slow breath.

Peace.

Your plan? Have you got one anywhere that you wrote in the past?

If not, make yourself a hot drink. Sit down.

See if you can plan some tiny ways to care for yourself. (That plan is a keeper.)

Music? Calming breaths? Reaching out here? 🙂 ...

I'm glad you came here. I care.

Beautiful ❤️ much thanks

It's discouraging to keep backsliding. I am having a bad period myself. I never know exactly why. I try to figure it out: my pain is worse, stresses... But the truth is that I am worse and I have to do my best.

I'm hoping this bad time is very short for you. You are not alone in the hurt you are feeling.

Yeah I usually don’t know why either. Right now doing my best means resting. I’m not good at it. I’m hoping yours is very short too. We are not alone. You are so right.

Oh my gosh! On the nose! Not good at? -- to say the least. Bzzzzz 🐝

😂 You know I was thinking of how you do your best even while suffering so and it made me think I don’t always do my best... and I forgive myself for this...and I will try harder...

Starrlight,

There is a very nasty enemy 🐉 of healing that I battle every day of my life. Perfectionism.

I am immobilized if I'm not "sure". Frustrated with "not good enough".

My friend. You do not need forgiveness. You are special. You are beautiful. You are entitled to give yourself a break and do what you can. Good enough is good enough.

🦜 🌟 🌻

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ah yes my psychiatrist reminds me of perfectionism and ocd. Good enough well even as a young child I never felt good enough. But I will try that. ((((((((Hug)))))))

🌼 🦜

Sorry to hear that Iam here for you Iam really struggling every day too hope you feel better

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Xoxo33

I’m sorry you are struggling, Xoxo What do you think helps you the most? I think reaching out is important to me because it reminds me that others go through similar and we do heal ... also what is helping me is allowing myself to rest to be able to fully heal when I am sick and tired.

Xoxo33 profile image
Xoxo33 in reply to Starrlight

Yes it helps a lot to read other people’s symptoms and to know Iam not the only one going through all this I feel all these negative thoughts and feeling depressed and anxiousness

Hi who is Bella? I’m so sorry you are sick.

I'm sorry for your troubles, Star. You sound really animated, but also down, like a mixed state (and you describe it so well.) You mentioned meditating -- I think that sounds smart -- and I should do it too! But you also mentioned getting off a medicine. That usually has a rebound effect on your moods. Maybe some of that is happening? Does your doctor know what you are doing, and have any advice?

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to c-mac

Hi c-Mac! I’m going off one called remeron that is for sleep that makes me feel sick and my doc says it’s fine to do that. How are you?

c-mac profile image
c-mac in reply to Starrlight

I just started medicine for ADHD today. I feel more alert. I think it's too soon to really be feeling anything, but that's what I feel. I have my bipolar group meeting tonight, which I'm looking forward to. Are you doing any better?

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to c-mac

Yup I am thanks. Best to you.

Hi,

How long have you had trouble keeping food down? It is important to care for your body when you're hurting. Does your doctor know you are in withdrawal? It is very common to feel sick getting off pain meds.

How’s toady 🙃

Hi 🙃! She is in her favorite spot in between her dirt bowl and plant. So she is good. You’ll have to remind me ... you have fish, yes? What else?

I understand how you feel. You get so bogged down by the negative that even though you know it's wrong you know what truth is you still feel it's a lie. You feel like a stranger in your own body because you are waging a war that is exhausting you. I want to take this time to say it's okay to fall down every now and again. That is normal and you should not feel bad for it. The important thing to remember is that you are doing better. Regardless of if you are in a low period right now you are overall moving forward and that is still progress. Take some time for yourself, practice self care, and above all else be kind to yourself. You are doing so great and nothing not even this low point can take that from you.

Wow thank you that is so kind of you. I think you’re right and I would believe the same for you if you were going through trouble. I think it’s harder to do good for ourselves than for others or we feel guilt but why? Were we taught to treat ourselves as less than others? I think I was. I think we should try to treat ourselves better.

That is the most difficult thing. And I do believe it comes down to what we were taught about ourselves. But that is key what you said. Taking the time to treat ourselves better. Like I mentioned earlier practice self care and forgive yourself for falling down. It's okay to not be okay sometimes. It's not falling down that is bad. It's refusing to get back up that is the enemy.

You are so right! Self care and forgiving. I’m sick now and I’m really taking care of myself and I’m going to try not to do much until I’m better which is very hard for me because I’m used to taking care of so much for my family.

But taking a break is equally as important. And I am sure they can survive a little bit without you doing all the usual things. In fact if you let them I think they would take care of you for a few days. I know how hard self forgiveness can be and all I can say is it takes time and practice being kinder to yourself over and over. I am glad you are taking care of yourself now though I am sorry you are sick.

(((((((((((Hug))))))))) endofheartache thank you so much! Ha yes I’ll let them take care of themselves and me... my youngest, 8, brings makes me smoothies when I’m sick I just had one God I love him; love is so healing.

awwweeee. *Hugs* to you in return. And your son sound wonderful. that is adorable and I am glad you mood seems to have improved that is wonderful. And yay you for letting your family take care of you for a bit. I am proud of you!

Aww 🥰 thank you!!! Hope you are well!

Thank you! And you are welcome. I am slowly getting better. I am at least on the path now.

I’m so happy for you!

Thank you! I am really trying so that is nice to hear.

Where did our other posts go? You know? Anyway, you are on that path yes getting stronger and going the distance.

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