The pain in my heart becomes actual pain in my heart.

[Voluteheart]

I think I have suffered so long -with fear and the pain of a broken heart and the disorders that developed from it- that physical ailments are beginning to become a problem.

I am setting up an appointment to get a stress test, bloodwork, thyroid test etc. We have to wait until the insurance blah blah it stresses me out to think about it. Until I get to see the doc, I can only use what calming tools I have in my arsenal.

This scares me, which fuels my anxiety and racing thoughts. And it's just a literal never-ending cycle, lately anyway. I'm 34 and I'm terrified that I'm going to die from a stroke or heart attack.

One of the things that scares me is the thought that one of my boys (9 years old and a soon to be 8 year old) will find my body. I don't want to even imagine......but I do, and it eats at my soul. The other thing that gets to me is all the things I'll miss out on with my family.

I've started CBT. I'm trying to let myself feel these fears and deal with them. I'm even in the process of writing letters to my family so I can have what I'd like to say in case I die suddenly. It would be on paper instead of drowning my heart and mind as regrets that may never happen.

[Hidden]

I write letters for the same reason I have them hidden in the back of photos and places I think they'll find when I'm gone.Sorry that's really not helpful but your post mirrored things I worry about.

What calming tools do you use? I use distraction from my thoughts by drowning them out with noise especiallywhen i try to sleep i haveto put earphones in.

[Voluteheart in reply to Hidden]

The fact that I'm not alone is very helpful! I mean, it sucks you feel this way but hey you're not alone either! 😅 One of the calming tools I have started to use is circular breathing, I think it's called. Breathe in count of 8, hold for 3 or 5 count, and then breathe out 8 count. Distraction can be an awesome tool, for me though I've found that I did that so much that I never actually dealt with any of the thoughts and feelings. I'm just learning CBT though so hopefully I can learn more and share.

[Hidden in reply to Voluteheart]

I'll look up the circular breathing and thanks for pointing out the major flaw in my distraction technique 🤣.To be honest I thought I was winning with that one. But your right I'm just not dealing. But with irrational thoughts how do you deal? I know that the bad stuff probably won't happen but at the same time noone can reassure 100 percent that it won't

[Voluteheart in reply to Hidden]

Lol I thought so too. I thought I was dealing but I wasn't. Now, no meds work (though looking back I think they made it worse) and tbh the the lid blew off. Irrational thoughts are very exhausting. I really suggest you seek cognitive behavioral therapy. There is Acceptance therapy as well. I mean, im seeing a CB Therapist but im doing a ton of research and being super proactive in my mental health recovery. That in its self is exhausting but I know it will be worth it. If you have no money for therapists, buy a book. There are so many books out there, I have one although life has been preventing me from sitting down and actually reading it. If you can't do that, research on credible sites on the net. I have printed a ton of into and help off and put them in page protectors, then put 'em in a 2 inch or so binder. Now when I'm spiraling. I feel and deal while using breathing techniques. Then I look in my binder. I do many other things but this is running long 🤪

I wish you all the luck!

[Hidden in reply to Voluteheart]

The lid blew off? ... don't scare me lolI think I was on a waiting list for Maybe cbt or something similar a lovely woman phoned me after a referral and spent an hour on the phone...the next thing I got was a letter saying I hadn't booked an appointment and was being discharged back for re referral?

I don't have the energy to back and forward with medical professionals and why would I when mentally exhausted and at the end of my rope?

At the time.. not now right now I'm fine...

FINE 🤣