I have slowly become completely isolated over last 4 years

[Marosa]

I am 43 year old female. I've had an unusual amount of adversity, abuse, and loss throughout my life. I have had times where I've been abysmally depressed. I've had times that I have felt successful and happy. I believe that the last two relationships in my life have affected my self-esteem and well-being dramatically, starting about 4 years ago.

The first guy talked me into quitting my public job I loved and had held for 7 years, basically telling me it was bad, my bosses were bad, and that I could do better. But slowly I realized he hated all my friends and anyone close to me. Overtime, I stopped talking to some of my closest friends. He took away my worth on nearly every level, until I realized this was abuse and pulled myself away from him.

Within a few months i met my most recent partner, who wouldn't take no for an answer when I told him I was still feeling very vulnerable and wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I soon realized he had zero respect for my boundaries, and regularly pressured me for money and favors and all of my time could only be used if it were helping or benefiting him. As before, something was 'wrong' with all my friends and there would be some reason I shouldn't hang out with them. Add to this extreme jealousy and fits of outrage, breaking my stuff, publicly embarrassing me, kicking me out of the car at night in the cold in the middle of nowhere multiple times, and sometimes threatening to beat up or murder some of my friends, or burn down their houses! At this point, I understand this is abuse but still had such a hard time walking away, mostly because the fear kept me confused and I would shut down. How could I tell anyone at all what Im going through, especially since its happening again? So I just became gradually more and more silent, and just endured it alone.

It started with my clients. After the other guy had me quit my 7 yr job, I started my own successful business that grew rapidly. I found a lot of joy interacting and serving my clients, getting my social interaction from time with them. Overtime, both guys would end up finding numerous ways to sabotage my appointments. I gradually started ignoring 1 out of 5, then half of them, until I was responding to 1 out of every 10 people that called me. Eventually, people stopped calling me and I had to take a job as a maid, until I couldn't handle that either.

I have friends that call, but I don't answer. They text, I don't answer. Or stop responding. I have lost all my desire to be with other people, but yet I am totally lonely. I think somewhere inside all the bad things they said about my friends made me stop trusting people. Or maybe subconsciously that I believe they are bad now? Or maybe some small fear that they will be in danger if I talk to them? In some ways, its also just a relief to be alone. I am afraid of getting triggered. Other times, just a phone call or text floods me with anxiety, and Im unable to respond because that feeling in and of itself triggers me. Then every person I need to respond to becomes like a monkey on my back and I completely shut down, doing every possible thing to avoid avoid avoid.

The last time I remember going out for fun was on halloween, i forced myself to go out for an hour, then returned home. I also lost my best friend of nearly 20 years to a motorcycle accident July 2021, I went to her camp-out funeral this past July 2022, and that's the last thing I did for 'fun' before halloween.

I am in my 40's but I have always lived like a young person- I play several instruments, travel the world, had my own business, make art, and I look great for my age, athletic and like Im in my 20's easy. But I dont want to play music or go out or do anything. Most days I just fill with meaningless tasks and errands until I sleep then repeat. Im not constantly tearing up or sobbing uncontrollably & in deep pain like times in my past. Im just numb and then it hits me and it hurts!!! I turn it off as quickly as possible and continue with what Im doing. But how long can I do this??? I remember what joy was like, I want it back!

Thanks to anyone who read through this or who replies. I feel a bit like a opened a wound from writing it but I know I need to reach out to someone, if not my friends maybe there is someone out there who understands or who can help. Sending hugs to anyone else out there struggling.

[1962faithorn]

I am so sorry and I wish you could get some help. I too am a very isolated person but sometimes I would like to be happy I would like to find joy but I'm unable to. You're young and there is so much you can do yet with your life. I am and I have MS I lost my 30-year-old son in a fire and I have not been myself since then I pray for you

[Agora1]

Marosa, I do understand your pain and loss of self esteem.

We have to never allow others to want us to become what they need.

Our life, our choice.

You unfortunately got pulled into a trap many women find themselves in.

But...it's never too late to pull up your creativity, your spark for life and reach

out to those who are positive influences for you.

You're young both physically and mentally. Don't sleep away your dream and goals.

Somewhere deep down inside all of us, is the will and the power to overcome adversity.

You've got that Marosa. Believe that not everyone is out to hurt you. You were given

the gift of life for a reason. Find that reason again and be happy. You so deserve it xx

[Nothing_but_books]

I know how hard it was to share all that hurt and confusion. Maybe it's the beginning of looking right at what you've been through. That hurts and takes a lot of strength.

I was stunned as I read your post at how much I've lived the same horrors. I don't have your optimism and hope now, only fears. It's not sustainable.

I think wanting your life back is a road to recovery. I wish it for you.

[SayNOtoPanic]

Lifting you in prayer and positive energy. You desire the best version of yourself and that alone is a stepping stone. Thx for sharing something so personal.

[Agamemnon2022]

The loss we feel at the end of a bad relationship is incredibly painful, whether it's a friend or something more serious. Give yourself sometime to breath and then immediately call some of your old friends and begin to reconnect. Be proactive. Sure the first couple of times you go out, you may feel numb and disconnected, but over time it will get better.

[StrugglingCaregiver]

You're incredible for pulling yourself out of these toxic relationships! Reading about them, they both sound like narcissists. It's going to take a while to rebuild your trust in others, in yourself but you sound incredibly strong.

Maybe slowly reach out to one friend, meet up for coffee and let them know what happened and how you're doing. You dug yourself out before and you said you want that back. Therapy would be a good first step and possibly medication (I just started Prozac and it was a life saver). You can do this!

[Toddzen]

I am also isolated. I gave up on Romantic Relationships 15 years ago. They always made my life worse. I was cheated on and dumped several times. I go to online support groups to cope with the isolation. NAMI and Living well. These groups have saved my life.