Afraid of being left with my own thoughts

[joseph1125]

I have been absent from here for a while but i need to tell someone about my recent feelings and im terrified that if i tell anyone else that ill lose everything i care about. Lately ive realiezed that I am a very "fake" person, Im never really geniuine, I abuse and use people and lie almost as frequently as i tell the truth. Ive let myself become out of shape, lost all my convictions that made me strong, and ive become someone who I hate, my mother has told me a dissapointment more times than i can count and ive practically given up on school, i know i could get the good grades if i try but i can never find the motivaiton or ability to break away from the distractions that hide me from who i know i really am. Ive become almost completely numb to most emotions, i havent felt any real joy since my girfriend broke up with me over the phone a half year ago and didnt give me any specific reason besides she couldnt hurt me anymore. I simply cannot find any joy in life, I cant find a reason to get out of bed in the morning anymore besides having to pay for rent and school. 4 years ago in high school i was an athlete, a role model, i was happy, in shape, confident, i hadnt touched any substance or alcohol, and now im some pathetic waste of space alcoholic content with wallowing in his own sorrow. I dont know who i am or what to do anymore, i used to be suicidal but i could never leave my family like that, the worst part was when i told my parents i was suicidal my mother told me I wasnt allowed to do that to her, that it would be unfair to her and the rest of my family she made it about her, as if i was delibratly trying to hurt them, not escape my pain. I dont know what to do i can barely function without a phone, I cannot go to bed at night without a video on or podcast because im so terrified of being left alone with my thoughts, if anyone could help me id really appreciate any advice because it feels as if im stuck so far down the bottom of a pit that i cannot see the light anymore.

[Hidden]

Hi Joseph, it sounds like your life took a downhill when your girlfriend broke up with you. I think your grief has turned into depression over that. There is emotional work you have to do with the breakup in order to fully move past it. It is still gripping you. There is a guy on YouTube named Corey Wayne who gives advice to mostly guys about getting over a breakup and self confidence. He is also very entertaining.

[Hidden]

Hi there Jo,have you been to a Dr or counselor at all?you seem dangerously low you shouldn't be alone like that pal.maybe a self confidence course and counselor is something you could aim for?

[joseph1125 in reply to Hidden]

I have been but the behavioral health center at my school is only good for referring to therapists and just perscribing medicine and I dont need any more substances in my life. I know my parents wont pay for therapy, and I cannot afford it. Ive been much worse than i am now, Im no longer suicidal, and i dont have thoughts of hurting myself anymore. Although what is a self confidence course like? It may help me and sounds like something i could really use if I can find one.

[Hidden in reply to joseph1125]

It helps you to be more assertive and confident in yourself and how to control ways you come across and your feelings or dealing with people to.usually churches have people that are willing to counsel you at no cost.

[veeeeeeee]

I am going through a lot of what you are going through. The thoughts (and attempts) of suicide, the substance abuse although my "substance" is food, the struggle with schoolwork, being out of shape, not being able to sleep without something on (I always turn on family guy, it helps me to at least laugh a little) and the being a fake person thing, I deal with that everyday. I don't like to talk to anyone in my household unless I need something from them (I'm 17 without a job so I always need something), and I constantly find myself being "fake" happy, laughing at jokes that aren't funny, pretending like I'm interested in stuff I could care less about, etc. but I don't think that makes us fake, I think we are trying to find ways to get by. I've been in therapy for a long time and I have yet to find a way to deal with my problems that actually works. But don't feel bad, you are not alone.

[joseph1125 in reply to veeeeeeee]

Thank you for sharing, it brings me a lot of comfort to know im not alone in feeling this way. It sometimes just feels like I have to laugh and pretend to be someone im not around all these people to get along. Ive just struggled so much with finding out who i am, i act so differently around all the groups of people im around Its becoming so difficult to differentiate between the personalities and who i really am. It feels like since i have all these different sorts of identities and different places, I cant determine which one is the real me, or how to act or how to be who i really am and thats what keeps me from trying to go out and better myself, im not an athlete anymore so i dont see the purpose of working out because theres no end goal for me to reach for.

[veeeeeeee in reply to joseph1125]

When I went to a regular high school (I'm homeschooled now, I was missing too much school because of the depression), I tried so hard to be popular. I acted, dressed, and spoke exactly like the girls that I despised. I thought it would make me happy but it ended up draining me of my energy and it stripped me of my identity. Its a big reason why I withdrew myself from all of my friends. I felt like I had to be fake with them too. Dealing with the depression is already difficult. We have to remember that sometimes we make things harder on ourselves without meaning to. We both don't need any extra stress in our lives. Its important for us to find things that we like to do and real friends that we can hang with. As for the exercise part, I know its hard. I use to love dance before the depression ruined it for me. I've been trying to lose weight for three years but I just keep gaining weight. I haven't figured that part out yet, but I'm sure that if we continue to support each other, we will find the strength and the willpower to change for the better.

[PurplePaladin]

Hi joseph1125. Do you have health insurance? If you do, and it's on your parent's plan, you can go to therapy. Your parent's can't keep you from using the insurance policy. In your area, there should also be support groups where you can find more help. Please stop drinking because it is one of the biggest depressants around and you can use the money you are pouring into booze to get professional help. Really, drinking is the worst thing you can do and it sounds like you want to feel better and that would be an excellent first step. Then, or more preferably, get professional help. Hope tomorrow is better and that you find something entertaining to watch tonight. Have you listened to the podcast "Mortified?" It's funny and relatable.

[Calm_mama]

HI Joseph1125. There are likely low cost/sliding scale therapists in your area, and I think it would be great if you could see one! Also- you mention alcohol, and I wonder if AA meetings might be the "therapy" that could really help you (AA meetings are everywhere and they are free of course). Also- self help workbooks on anxiety and depression can work wonders, and they are low-cost. I also like the suggestion of self confidence and assertiveness courses. DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) classes are excellent for this, but they tend to cost $. Self confidence and assertiveness are a component of DBT. See if you can find a low cost one. I hope these ideas help. I'm so sorry you are struggling and hang in there. You sound like a great guy. You will find your way

[joseph1125]

I typically watch HIMYM on hulu and fall asleep to that as I watched it a lot when i was younger and i have many fond memories of it. But I do need to quit drinking, Being in a fraternity makes it hard sometimes, and I do it frequently because i usually am more confident when i drink and like myself more and why i think i have a problem with it, but maybe its time to stop, and focus on casual drinking instead of trying to get drunk all the time. I may look into my behavioral health center, but i want to avoid therapy since My mother is quite controlling and i would have to do it behind her back and that would just make my anxiety much much worse. Support groups may be something that i should really try to go to.

[joseph1125]

The biggest thing that I struggle with is the anxiety that sets in when i cant distract myself, whenever i fall asleep i think of all the disapointment ive caused my family, i think of how happy i was with my ex and how our relationship is just gone now. I broke down at work today and had to continuously hide around and avoid people so they couldnt see that i was starting to crack, thankfully some of my coworkers are a lot like me and one of my better friends was there to comfort me, but since i lost my phone and was supposed to call my parents about my school today i just had so much anxiety and since i couldnt go on my phone and distract myself, I started to g to the dark place i used to when i was suicidal, and going there just scares me so much, i hate those feelings, i hate feeling like im worthless and a waste of a life and when im like that it feels like i just cant stop until i distract myself. Im doing better at the moment, but being alone with my thoughts just terrifies me so much, its my biggest fear more than anything is to return to that state of mind, i dont ever want to go there again, and since losing that relationship, and the deteriorating state of my familys relationships and my mothers toxicity ive been getting progressivly worse, denying those feelings and distracting myself just trying to get to the next day. I want to go to all these help sessions and find ways to make myself a better person, but I felt like last year i finally climbed out of that pit and could see the light and was actually happy with myself for once, only to be blindsided and knocked back into the pit. Everyone tells me it gets better but when, I miss my relationship, she made me so happy, and so many things remind me of her and make me sad after seeing them, and when that happens i have to distract myself or the pain just feels unbareable. Is it wrong for me to ignore and try to hide from these feelings? Am I just running away from everyting? I just dont know what to do anymore and hiding in my apartment wasting away is all i can do to avoid the pain.

[fauxartist]

being dual diagnosed I can tell you from my own experience...that after my 15yr marriage broke up....I began drinking again...I had been sober for over 20 years, and it was short lived thankfully, because I wisely got back into therapy again to learn to let go, and finish the grieving process I didn't go through to let go of my marriage. I had caved inward and blamed myself, got down on myself as not being lovable enough for this person to have left me, the list is endless. The bottom line for anyone drinking to self medicate depression is...alcohol is a depressant. If your already depressed and drinking on top of it....it's the worse thing you could do. 1-3 people who are alcoholics also suffer from depression. It's a double whammy and not something you should try to deal with on your own. You need help. You need support. And you need a support system on a daily basis as well as therapy.

[PurplePaladin]

You must stop drinking in order to combat the other health concerns you have. You can not see clearly through the bottom of a glass. This is a life or death situation. You can't choose drinking bc you're in a frat over your own health. Please see help immediately. Thinking about you.