So while im sick i can't sleep at night. But all day i feel miserable. I feel like i hate everyone and everything. I'm so frustrated. I try to be creative and channel my anger into something creative, i get ideas, but nothing comes out and i get more frustrated. I feel like i hate my friends from university. I feel like i hate my place. I feel like i hate every desision i have ever made. I feel like i hate people who don't understand what it is like living with trauma, anxiety and depression. I feel so frustrated my family dynamics disregulated my nervious system and this makes me act weird and people think im weird and i feel like the villain.... And then around 3 am i start to feel better. I somehow get detached from others and what they think. I start to get detached from places and Overthinking with them and even feel cozy. I let go of the frustration for a while. I let go of the creativity block. My thoughts, my writing flows. Even studying flows. Things bring me joy again. For example in day ive totaly lost interest in everything including my hobbies. At night life comes back. At early night i feel terrible. Maybe it peaks at midnight. And i can't fall asleep feeling terrible or ptsd nightmares will appear but then it gets better.
An insight from a comment i wrote :
I feel criticised in everything i do. And i feel a lot of it came from my father. He wouldn't even let me be me. I had to constantly i press him. Be him. I couldn't be myself. And this transfered to everyone. Espessially guys. I can't be myself. I feel gudged. I feel criticised. I need them to accept me. I need people to accept me so i accept myself. And that's why i fall in the traps of weirdos online - because i feel accepted for who i am. Only ending up hurt and then when i try to share this, i feel/get judged for even responding to them. I need to feel accepted. Because i was never accepted by my caregivers. I was forcing myself to like what dad liked, listen to the music he liked, watch what he liked, have the knowledge he had. Otherwise he would shame me. I don't know what happened on a sertain historical date? Shame on me. I want to rewatch my comfort cartoon? Shame on me. I want to listen to music i like? Wear what i like? Terrible. And i even grew judmentful towards people who don't meet dad's standarts. For example i see my friends at university being themselves, being openly stupid to the point it's like a comedy but nobody gets offended we just laugh, listening to music that dad mocks and that i hate (for other reasons tbh) and i feel bad about myself because i feel like i hate my friends. I feel like why aren't they worried about appearing as stupid and shallow? I envy them. How can i be so bad friend. I critise myself. I'm even scared to start doing something because i'm scared of fallure.... Woah, that was so good insight
Panic Attacks All of The Time
Today my husband pushed me for the 100 time.
Am I on borrowed time?
