I want so badly to make my story sound as bad as possible. Maybe I feel like if I could just make it sound bad, I will feel validated by other people’s pity. It’s never enough, though. I always leave the conversation wondering if I was being authentic. I’m really good at gaslighting myself and I’m even better at prioritizing other people’s needs.
Even saying that feels like a plea for pity. I hate to be so, “woe is me; I’m the problem; I love too hard.” It feels like a fake weakness. One someone would use to make themselves seem admirable. But I really do, in the most selfish way possible. Maybe I feel like If I look out for others, I’ll attract people who will look out for me. Maybe that would be true if I could stop abandoning myself in the process.
Well now that I’ve been venting about much I don’t want to vent, I guess I could simply say that I feel delusional and out of touch with reality. I try so hard to judge situations and build my confidence based on my own judgements. But, people change their minds and can misrepresent how they feel. When that happens, I feel like I’ve lost something. My grip on reality is gone and I feel like a broken person for thinking what I thought before. I have a crush on someone who flirts with me, and when he talks about other people he’s interested in, I feel absolutely crazy for thinking that he could’ve ever liked me. I start naming all the delusions. The time he told me he would date me if he was gay - why did I read too much into that. The daily walks he’d invite me on - why couldn’t I just take it as a nice gesture. The late night invitations to hang out - why couldn’t he just be a lonely guy that needed a friend. Why do I make everything about me? Why do I always set myself up to be hurt? Do I like it? Do I appreciate the rush that comes from the hope of it all, only to crash and burn when reality gets too loud to ignore?
He doesn’t want you. He can’t. He can’t find love in a place he isn’t looking for it. You’re not it for him and you’re being selfish to want him to want you when he doesn’t. If you can’t be his friend, tell him that.
I make it sound so easy. Of course he isn’t mine to lose, but that doesn’t make the loss feel any less. What I’m holding on to isn’t real I guess and maybe that’s why I feel so delusional, so why can’t I let go?
I’m just so tired of dealing with rejection.
Written by
SourMelon
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I can relate to feeling like you're losing yourself. For a while there I prioritized others so much I lost all sense of self. I didn't even know what made me happy or what my needs were. In a lot of ways that mentality is still my default. It's just easier than having expectaions and the incumbant disappointment. Wish I knew how to help.
Firstly, I want to tell you that your writing is lovely and expressive.
I think many of us relate to your need for validation but not wanting to make it a pity party.
"But, people change their minds and can misrepresent how they feel."
This is so true. It's always hard to know if someone has similar feeling for us as we do them until they tell us. And people can and do change their mind... and some are blissfully ignorant that their behavior is leading us on.
In my opinion, daily walks, late-night invitations, and telling you he'd date you if he were gay, are concrete signs that he has feelings for you. If he isn't gay, then could it be he is getting as close to you as possible without crossing the line?
People do that all the time -- push things right up to the edge. People in committed relationships do that when they want to cheat but know they can't, for example. (I certainly have.)
It's not admirable to do, but I think it's human.
I also think it's possible that you aren't the slightest bit delusional. Give yourself credit for being someone ppl like to be around, even if it sometimes doesn't go where you'd like it to.
I agree a lot with what Perriex said, this was very well written. You sound like you're the sort of person who is really hard on himself. Do you ever feel like your expectations for yourself are always set high? Just a hunch...
It's perfectly okay to feel chaotic and lost in a torrent of thoughts and emotions on occasion. Anxious people worry about the future and sometimes that means we unintentionally self-sabotage.
As for this guy, maybe just let it be what it's going to be? You could try enjoying them without any labels or big expectations and see how it goes. I think it's healthy to have some self-reflection, to get perspective from considering things but don't paint yourself into a corner with thoughts alone.
it sounds like you have some good self awareness going on. Which leads me to believe you’re not as delusional as you may think. I don’t think people who are delusional know they are.
Trying to analyze relationships too much can send me down a rabbit hole. Just take it as it comes, a day at a time. What will be will be.
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Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
