This is my first post here. It may be long; I apologize in advance, but thank those who read through.
I recently had to leave my job after being sexually assaulted by my employer. I had worked at this job for a few years - it's a privately owned business, so verbal sexual harassment was common with no consequence. but I never thought it would go beyond words. Words I can, more or less, handle.
After the incident, I went to speak with the manager about next steps. I trusted she could help. She explained to me that as long as I worked there, I would be working for a predator. She also said all employees know to use the buddy system when he is around, for safety. She claimed this was disclosed to me at the time of hiring, years ago. I can promise you, it was not. I wouldn't have accepted the job, otherwise. (Mind you, the employer is a mid-50 male who ONLY hires females). These words helped open my eyes, and I never returned to work.
For the first 3 weeks, I hit a serious depressive, anxious, PTSD-riddled low. I slept all the time. Ate never. Did nothing. I was a husk. And all I could do was relive the incident through intrusive thoughts and constant nightmares. And those intrusive thoughts/nightmares would grow into strange, fearful, twisted places. Soon, my dreams began to exhaust me - I felt so much while I slept, and felt nothing when I woke.
Finally, the worst of it was over. I rode it out, I started to recover. The darkness broke, ever so slightly (enough to escape). I tried to set aside the guilt, pain, shame, and the fears.
Then my (ex) coworkers messaged me that I was not a real victim, that I'm taking advantage of the employer, and that I asked for it anyway. This was coming from women who had suffered alongside me through years of sexual harassment at work. I, honestly, expected they would support me once they knew. But I can see how me never returning to work or sharing my story directly with my coworkers allowed for the employer to twist the story and feed his version to them.
I found myself at the bottom of the void, again.
If you happened to read my bio, you'll know that I have survived trauma before. I have survived myself. I have survived worse.
I have cycled through depression most of my life; these struggles are not new to me. The pain is not unfamiliar. But this time feels different. It feels like I'll never be safe, that people will always take advantage of me, that I will always be small.
Recently, my dreams began evolving. Now, all of my traumas are revisiting, in pieces, all mixed together. This most recent event is a very common theme in these dreams, but it's no longer the sole focus. I feel trapped in these dreams. I feel lost, out of focus and control. This morning, my husband woke and heard me say, "why won't anyone help me?!"
I was dead asleep.
As I near this part of the post, I've run out of things to say. I dont know what to make of what's going on. Therapy isn't really offering any direction, they just want to try PTSD sleep medication if the dreams continue for another week (2 months of nightmares by then). I dont want to just shut them off. I want to understand. I want to decipher.
Thanks for listening.
Written by
Grasshopper_3
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wow, this makes me mad for you… so much for women standing up for each other. you seriously need to talk to a lawyer. Just because he twisted the story doesn’t mean there are other former employees who know better. This is Weinstein s***t. They WILL help. You would be helping others too. I Hope you feel better. You said it isn’t the first trauma. I’m really sorry.
Thank you so much for your message. I was too ashamed to return to this site once I made the post... I have returned to try again.
I never ended up pursuing a lawsuit or retaliation, unfortunately. My past employer and his family are very well-known and celebrated in my community. Once all of my (then) coworkers turned, I did not believe I would have any support or success. And with the headspace I was in, I couldn't find the energy to fight it alone.
I have still not returned to work. It's very anxiety-inducing and triggering (especially because I am having no luck finding work for female business owners/management teams). Luckily, I sold my old home so I have had enough to get by and get the medicine/counseling I need. Still, my world never really "went back to normal." I don't think it ever will.
My first road trip I took with a best friend. We went to stay with my brothers best friend. He ended up taking advantage of me and I never really got it out, either.
My heart breaks for you - I am sorry you know this pain and have had to endure it. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are well and healing <3
firstly well done for making the right decision to get away and leave that job! None of this is your fault and your co worker is still in that toxic situation and believing what she is being told about you.
Please don’t respond, you have made the right decision to leave and responding I feel will keep bringing all of it back and making you feel you did something wrong with you DIDNT.
If you feel you could report this repulsive person for what he has done then please do but if you can’t for whatever reason then don’t feel bad. Everyone is different in situations and you have to think of your mental health.
Don’t let this ruin your life get help with therapy if you can, to talk through this. It will take time but you will heal.
Thank you so much for your message; it warmed my heart to read it. I was too ashamed to return to this site once I made the post... I have returned to try again.
I never pursued retaliation. I was too scared and felt very alone.
Real healing came with time. I had to sit with it, I had to feel it, and I had to try to make sense of it all. Eventually, almost a year later, I was finally able to close the door on that trauma and leave it behind me. And while the thought of it all starts a small flame in my chest, I cannot give it any more time or attention.
I have a close friend sort of struggling with the same thing...she says it never went farther than harassment...I hope that she is right...thing is, when she stays with us, her sleep interruptions are suggesting something more involved, sadly...but, on the plus side, she is letting herself get REM sleep and trying to endure the deep sleep dreams. She, too, not only wants to truly decipher what they mean, but why they "feel" as they do. We encourage her to journal them when she wakes, and she has a therapist that she is seeing...although, it's sort of like you suggested...it's a stepping stone to help, but not the "right now" help that she really needs and desires...however, she is slogging through it, like you are; she refers to it as an unpacking/tossing process...she wants the negativity of these experiences out of her life, so she can heal and start again... When you said your past experiences were coming back at you, that is something our friend has spoken frequently about...and, none of this gets easier as we age. I just wish R&D in these fields was a lot farther along, than it is, now...we care and we are pulling for you and people like you, enduring these events.
I can tell you that if you can afford legal help in this issue--even if you interview 5 attorneys on a free trial (no pun intended) basis-- it will be worth it to understand your legal rights and limitations in your town/county/state/country. This vile individual should know what a line in the sand truly looks like, and in the legal sense, they should be made to learn it. How many more unjustified attacks is this person going to inflict upon innocent workers?
As for your peers not sticking up for you, that is truly sand in the craw...I see it as total resignation to the situation...Stockholm Syndrome? Not quite, but from where I'm standing, it sure seems like a familiar cousin...
Keep us posted, and let us know how you are. You are so worth it...you wouldn't be fighting, if it wasn't the case. Blessings, always!
Sounds like you have been through a lot and are a survivor. Your dreams are a way of your mind trying to process what you have experienced and make some sense out of it.
You might find a therapist that specializes in treating trauma/ptsd and work with them to process and heal the emotions and help desensitize and heal you so you can get on with your life. Mine used emdr as part of the therapy that is proven to be very helpful for trauma/ptsd.
It's unfortunate that your coworkers twisted things around but it's probably something they had to do to justify their still being employed their and their own survival and shortcomings.
I wonder if other coworkers were also assaulted, and won't speak up. And the coworkers who said you asked for it are unenlightened idiots.It sounds like you need rape counseling, not just a therapist who prescribes meds. I am so sorry for what happened, and I predict the man who assaulted you will get his comeuppance eventually.
Thank you for your message. I was too ashamed to return to this site once I made the post... I have returned to try again.
Your comment is really interesting - 5 of his staff members had worked there for 10+ years. The manager I initially referenced told me that she and the other 4 fooled around with him for years before they met their husbands. Some of them continued, despite their marriages. She said it was stupid, but that's just "how it was" and women these days will call anything harassment.
Hindsight is 20/20. It's an evil place with twisted people.
Dreams from sub conscious is healing taking place. Relish these dreams...don't be afraid of them. Trust in yourself and stop hanging onto other co workers opinions...ignore them. Stop giving other people's comments the power to make you feel worse. Those people do not contribute to your growth and development, as you go through your subconscious healing process via your dreams f...k them off
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I think i have a phobia of my mom 
I feel like my parents really make me sick!
Tired of trying to make it through each day
