From my other post you may remember my bf cheating on me and kicking me out because he didn't want to try to salvage our relationship. Some of the things he's said lately are just echoing in my head. He cries when we talk about anything positive in our relationship which I do not understand. He keeps trying to bring be food and water because for many days i've been too upset to eat. I get so confused. How did his love for me just disappear? Why can I not do the same? Why do I feel so sick inside trying to pack these boxes even though I don't yet have anywhere to go, or a job to pay for an apartment. Why can't I stop crying? Why do I still want him to soothe me and why does he still do it? Im on the spectrum and when things don't make sense they just get so stuck and I know this will never make sense and i'm still struggling to let any of it go. I know he's scared and it was just easier to run. I know he's told me if we were just in an apartment together he would have packed up and left me. He said he's not even ready to grieve but he wants me to be able to leave so he can move on. that he just wants to be alone. He's still bringing me treats from his trips away. I'm just so confused. I know i never once said anything about leaving him through it all even though I admitted I responded really harshly at first. I'm afraid I felt like he was the love of my life because he patiently accepted me where no one else has. He loved me with an affection that I have always wanted. I never felt safer than in his arms. I know I deserve better and more, and sometimes I just need to be told the same things over and over. I am so afraid. Before it was stay as long as you need then he mentioned early Nov because his family wanted to stay here and then i pressed it and he said if i still needed to be here they could get a hotel. I pray I will have work and be gone by then but its a bad economy and it costs ALOT to live where I live. Almost another broken promise, why can't I see him for the weak selfish person he is. how do I change that perspective in my mind? Why do I only see the man I love and all my hopes and dreams? If anyone is willing to be redundant for a sad girl thank you.
Im trying to pack up my dreams and I ... - Anxiety and Depre...
Im trying to pack up my dreams and I can't breathe
I just want you to know that I am here, I am listening, and I care. I wish there was something I could say that would make a difference, but I know there isn't. I just give you credit for what you are doing for yourself. You are trying to pack, you are thinking about getting a job, you are thinking about moving. You are surviving each day. You are doing the very best that you can. This is a totally traumatic situation that you are going through. Of course, you can't stop crying. It is ok to cry. It is ok to feel whatever you are feeling. You will get through this one step at a time. It will be baby steps not one giant leap. Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself. Soothe yourself. Keep reaching out here. You are not alone.
thank you. I am trying very hard.
I know you are trying very hard. You are doing an amazing job. I wish I could do something to help.
yeah i don't know either i just wrote down a bunch of positive affirmations going to try repeating those alot I don't know if it will help but i figure it can't hurt.
I think the positive affirmations is a wonderful idea. Putting something positive in your mind to overcome all of the negative that is there. Have you found anything else that helps you feel better? Meditation, music, reading? Anything to distract yourself.
i've always had a difficult time distracting my mind it could connect anything to anything. but i just was thinking about how my ex got fixated on a thought and he made it his reality and i thought what if i could do that but about something good vs bad? 🤷♀️
Yes that sounds great. Get something good stuck in your head. I know that gratitude is supposed to be really good. Do you have anything that you can be grateful for that you can think about? I know that so much is going on right now and how overwhelming it is. Do you have anything that is positive?
honestly i was starting really small with "i am going to be okay"
and then just trying to fight my codepency with not texting my ex right now while he's on his trip because he answers and i know i just need to stop engaging because he won't be my person anymore.
That isn't small. That is huge. Say that over and over to yourself. It is true you know, you are going to be okay.
I think i only started believing it today - they upped my antidepressants again a few days ago second bump this month. I think i needed it. this has all been a crazy amount of stress.
It absolutely is a crazy amount of stress. That is so encouraging to hear that you do know that you are going to be okay even if you just started believing it today. I hope that the increase in antidepressants helps you. I am glad that you were open to that. It sounds like you are trying to take care of yourself. Good for you.
Lol i requested it both times. I was like, hello Dr. can I need more drugs. I had been well managed on a very low dose for years i just felt like the situation was breaking me. Today I actually was smiling a bit. it was nice. I am leaps and bounds ahead of calling a hotline before. Although i did call a warm line earlier when everyone i know was busy. it was nice to have someone to talk to. I didn't know those existed.
You really are doing a great job taking care of yourself even asking for the increase. I hope you are giving yourself credit for that. That is amazing that you were smiling a bit today. That is so good to hear. I have heard of a warm line before from this site. It sounds like it was helpful for you. Be sure to call them again if you need to. Also post here as much as you like. You do not have to go through it all alone.
i dont think i was taking the best care of myself in the months before. his infidelity kind of snapped me into a place of anger and i didn't like how i was being plus the additional panic attacks I just knew i needed more help. He was probably dealing with me being really tearful fairly well. Constantly being rejected from jobs is awful. Then I was fearful the med increase could make me worse, and he said he'd stick by me thru it, and of course he decided not to, which made it even harder. Everyone says points for self awareness I wish I did it sooner, not that i could have prevented any of this. can't punish myself for not knowing what i couldn't possibly know, and i can't change the past. i love him but i deserve someone who wants to be with me.
But you are taking care of yourself now and that is what is important. I am sorry that you are having to deal with being rejected from jobs. I hope you find the right job for you very soon. You definitely could not have prevented any of this. It is not your fault for not knowing either. You absolutely deserve someone who wants to be with you. That will happen for you in time. How long ago did it end with him?
i guess ive been living in this guest room for almost three weeks now. so yeah its been weird and painful bc for at least a bit of that i had hope we'd reconcile
Wow it is still so fresh for you. Have you been looking for a job the whole three weeks?
I've been looking for jobs for almost 6 months I took a break at his request and my doc in the three weeks around the move because I was so stressed. But yes I have been in bed sobbing on my phone applying for jobs because I felt the ticking of needing to get out of his home
I didn't realize you had been looking for a job for 6 months. That must be draining. It makes sense that you took a break due to the stress. I am glad that you are ready to look again. What line of work are you in? What jobs are you applying for?
Business, consumer goods work. But I'd been applying for anything because I needed healthcare. It was devastating I had one interview the whole time. I'm not religious or anything but I finally have two phone screen interviews for real jobs next week I hope I am healthy enough to do well because I need the money and I need to be able to move so he can move on
I am happy to hear that you have the two phone screen interviews for real jobs next week. I think you are healthy enough to do well. Just keep taking good care of yourself before the interviews so that you are at your best. It has been so nice chatting with you tonight. I have to go to bed now. I would like to continue our conversation. Please private message me if you want to chat. I will be checking in tomorrow. Have a good night. Get some sleep.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I know this kind of thing. I’ve been there. There’s the old saying love is blind. You love him, so you can’t see his bad behavior. You will get through this. We’re here for you.
Oh I can see it, Its just not enough for me to not love him. It's weird. I just keep telling him I forgive him . At least I know I get to leave this without resentment in my heart, it's not a peace everyone gets
you’re a bigger person than me. resentment would be on the of my list!! I hold on to it forever. It’s one of the things I’m trying to work on with my therapist. I’m still ticked off at my first husband for wrecking our marriage and that was 40 years ago!! Lol I have lots of work to do. But seriously I’m glad you are in a positive mindset. I hope you find a job soon and move on.
In some ways id rather be angry it would make packing up my dreams easier in the present. Maybe not long term. But the right now is difficult. I'm still having trouble looking past the present if that makes sense
Makes perfect sense there’s lots of times I would rather not be in the present. I want to 19 again boy would things be different!!
sending you good vibes Wishful. Hang in there. You’re dealing with a lot. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Try a brisk walk and some deep breathing exercises.
I appreciate all the support from everyone. Today I took all my art off the walls, and packed alot of stuff from the kitchen. I cried so much because the kitchen and cooking was many of my favorite memories. But afterwards, those blank walls in the living room ( almost all of the decor is mine) helped a little make this place look a bit less like the home I tried to make it. Baby steps to moving on I hope. Today I'm working on forgiving myself. It's okay that I trusted my bf. It's okay that I wanted to be happy. It's okay that I wanted a home and moved here with him with the best intentions and dreams for the future. And its okay that i'm upset that future is no longer happening.
Great work. You accomplished so much today. I know how hard it was. I am glad that you are working on forgiving yourself. Of course, you actually have nothing to forgive yourself for actually, but it is wonderful that you are going through the process. It is totally okay and understandable that you are upset that future is no longer happening. I wish for you a future that so exceeds your expectations and is better than you could even imagine. Just take it all one day at a time. Keep making progress each day and you will get there. I am so proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself.
That's great progress, give yourself some credit. You're doing good and you are gonna be ok.
Huggggggggg
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