How am I supposed to be strong

[Adamj]

how am I supposed to be strong for my mom when I’m still going through whatever I’m going through so intensely. My mom starts chemo on Friday. I just can’t handle all of this anymore

[Celtic27]

adamj it is hard to be able to concentrate on your problems but you can share your problems and help each other your mum deserves your support after all shes proberly been there for you when you needed help so sit down and work out what you can do to help each other you may find your able to do more for each other than you think ! Take care and i wish you all the best david

[Adamj in reply to Celtic27]

thank you

[EndUser13]

That's a great question so many people have struggled with through the ages for vast reasons. I've been there when caring for my grandmother during the last two years of her life and had horrible laws strip me of the only medication that ever helped me. I compromised, I pushed through and made do because someone was relying on me. I made an effort for something larger than me. Over time I became fatigued (caregiver's fatigue) but somehow I managed. I think it's trite to say "sometimes you don't realize how strong you are until you have to be", but there's certainly some truth to it. Strength does not have to be everlasting or perpetual, it might just mean making compromises or learning to live with something uncomfortable while doing your best.

From a distance, I feel like I've seen strength in you, to me it seems to come naturally to you, perhaps because you have no other choice but to suffer through some unfair things put upon you. I think you can handle it, it will just be difficult and you'll need some breaks along the way as your pace yourself.

Best of luck to your mom and of course to you as well. I think one of the ways you can cope with this is by using the tools you have at hand, like these forums or the techniques you've picked up along the way that were helpful to you in the past. Try not to take on everything all at once, offer yourself some compassion as you go through this difficult period.

[Arymretep in reply to EndUser13]

great post, I did the same for my Mum who had dementia , you’ll find the strength when you need it .

[Adamj in reply to EndUser13]

thank you I guess I just think it’s scary again with what I’m going through then continuing to see my mom go through medical things all through my life. I just want to feel healthy

[b1b1b1 in reply to Adamj]

It is possible you will find that your own problems improve, or fade a little as you concentrate your energy on your Mom. My best wishes to your Mom (and you too).

[Adamj in reply to b1b1b1]

thank you

[EndUser13 in reply to Adamj]

I hear you, my mom was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and it's been a huge source of stress for me. I feel helpless because there is nothing I can really do but try to be supportive and not say "I told you so" too much considering how many times in the past I pleaded with her to get an MRI.

I've heard a number of times that when it comes to cancer, a person's attitude and spirit is half the battle. Maybe it would help to know that by being a bright part of your mom's life, you're helping her fight her own battle?

[Dolphin14 in reply to EndUser13]

Wonderful advice

🐬

[roses4all]

Right, so I am a 59-year-old mom of a struggling adult son with diagnoses. You know, when kids are young,... the parents like to watch them sleep and that gives the parents great joy. Well, the older version of this is getting great joy from hearing your adult child in the house... watching TV... or walking into the living room and seeing him read, hearing his voice. I think that being physically present is important (and this could be in another room). I don't think that being ''strong'' is important. Being authentic is important. Being ''strong'' is often being emotionally unavailable. I would rather hear my son talk about his fears and connect than have him acting all macho.

As for the concrete things like making dinner. I am sure she will be tired. And you have your challenges going on. I think you need to look after yourself and respect your own limits. I bet with her diagnosis and yours... you could have access to a program like Meals on Wheels. She could probably have access to volunteers who will drive her to medical appointments. Maybe someone to come and clean. Often, seniors can have free grocery delivery on a certain day... and free delivery from a drug store. Maybe you could suggest to your mom that she contact a social worker at her clinic before she becomes exhausted from treatment... see what kind of assistance is out there. If you or your mom belongs to a church, talk to the pastor.

I bet your mom would get great joy out of watching a TV program, movie or televised game with you. Being ''strong'' is not necessary for that. If someone delivered a meal, she would get great joy out of eating with you... or just sitting at the table with you. Again, being ''strong'' is not necessary. Try to keep the image in your head of how much parents like to watch their young children sleep... because it really is like that... and it doesn't change just because that child grows up.

[b1b1b1 in reply to roses4all]

Your thoughts are so well expressed and I think exactly how parents feel about their adult children.

[Dolphin14]

This is a tough balancing act.

I went through this with my sister. I was trying to get me bearings with my own issues and she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I didn't think I could do it but I did.

My therapist helped me so much during this time.

My thoughts are with you and your mom.

🐬

[Adamj in reply to Dolphin14]

thank you