Quit telling me how strong and brave ... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

47,678 members48,982 posts

Quit telling me how strong and brave I am

Kat63
Kat63

I’m having trouble with anxiety, and I get frozen in fear. I need other people to help me do anything. I wasn’t always like this. I’ve had times in my life when I was pretty adventurous. But that is behind me now.

I feel irritated when friends and family members tell me I’m strong and brave. Um, NO I’m NOT. I’m weak and scared. I sometimes fear I’m having a nervous breakdown. I feel like people aren’t taking my concerns seriously enough. I need help! Can’t we please stop the downward trajectory I’m on NOW, before it gets worse?

32 Replies
oldestnewest
Hidden
Hidden

What have you tried so far ,?

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

I come here a lot. I’ve used some exercises from a book called “The Happiness Trap.” I reach out to friends.

Sometimes I think about the worst case scenario and say to myself, “OK, what if that happened? What would that be like?” And I try to imagine myself coping with it and accepting it, and things turning out for the best after all.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

Have you tried Therapy ? Meds ? Do you know what even caused you to feel like this ? As in the exact cause ?

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

I’ve had some degree of anxiety and depression all my life. I’ve been in therapy off and on, and been on antidepressants, for about 25 years.

I lost my job 6 weeks ago and that has triggered a really bad period of anxiety for me.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

I've just looked over your previous posts, you have been unemployed since Jan, that will worsen your anxiety, have you been job hunting ?

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

I’m constantly job hunting. I applied for 8 or 10 jobs today!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

That's good, so you are capable of doing things for yourself, your just feeling high anxiety which is understandable, because no doubt your stressing about the uncertainty, some people do have breakdowns when they lose their job, because it's a major part of their life, did you have bereavement counselling when your mum died ?

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

No, no bereavement counseling.

It’s a much scarier world after your mother dies. I know I’m a lot less rational than I used to be in the face of fear. I’ve been unemployed before, but never before did I feel this terrified or alone.

My boyfriend and I are planning for me to move back in with him in about 2.5 weeks. That will be another big change. We’ve known each other 17 years, lived together 10 years; then had problems and I moved out for 4 years, but we never totally broke up. Now we have agreed to try again to make things work, and I’m scared about this as well. Even though he said he loves me, agreed to try again, and is even taking the day off from work on my move day.

Losing the job really pulled the rug out from under me and has triggered maybe the worst anxiety I’ve had since my teens.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

I think you might need to talk about your mum dying to someone, whether it's bereavement counselling or the Samaritans, you need to get it out, the work situation can change at any time, something I have realised with my anxiety is I bottle it up, so when it hits me, it bowls me over, I rung the Samaritans twice in the last 10 days, they listen so good that you just keep talking and talking. Sometimes trying to get support in a busy world is impossible, sometimes you just have timber the anxiety out of your head by talking about it. I promise you, you aren't losing your mind, your suffering with high anxiety, which can make you think your losing your mind, it's happened to me so many times, almost like I go dizzy and spaced out with it. I also don't know if you have tried diazapam, the hospital have given me that when I have turned up saying the same thing as you. I feel like I'm losing my mind

Trust me, everything will go back to normal, you will get another job, you will pull yourself out of this anxious state, the first step is believing it. I so know what your going through and am know it's a hell of a place to be

Sometimes I’m scared that I’m really losing my mind.

JAYnLA
JAYnLA in reply to Kat63

I know this fear very well. Trusted counselors kept pointing out that I am not actually losing my mind and eventually it sunk in, but it took some time. Turns out I was SCARED that I would lose my mind, not actually losing it.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to JAYnLA

This is so true, it's the underlying fear of losing it, when people lose it, they very rarely even saw it coming, it's the anxiety of losing it that causes these awful thoughts

JAYnLA
JAYnLA in reply to Hidden

That's the absolute truth and knowing it is really helpful when things get weird.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

So am I, but if you lost your mind, you wouldn't know, so don't worry about it. Your not losing your mind, your having anxiety attacks, I know exactly how bad it feels when this happens, but usually there is something that is bothering us it could be an old trauma, a health worry, a money worry, a debt worry. What do you when that thought that your losing it happens ?

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

Also have you slept ?

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

Yes, I’m sleeping OK. When I feel like I’m losing it, I remind myself of all the people who have been nice to me and have helped me. I try to remember that evidence that people like me and probably would not let me fall too far down.

If I really did have a nervous breakdown I’m sure my father would come help me. But I don’t want to do that to him. He’s almost 80 years old and he lost the love of his life when my mom died last year.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

Your not going to have a breakdown. The fact your on here talking about it shows your not going to have a breakdown. It's anxiety. The fact anxiety is telling you your losing it, should reassure you your not. If you were going tonnage a breakdown it would have happened already, that's why people are telling you your strong, because you are, you just don't see it, because the anxiety is clouding your judgement. This will pass, trust me, you will be fine

Thank you so much for believing I’ll find another job and things will be OK again. I’m not in the UK, I’m in the US - don’t know if we have the Samaritans here. I’ll go google it...

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

All you need to do is get every anxious thought out of your head through your mouth, the Samaritans listen, if it's not the Samaritans in the US there will be another volunteer phone line. They listen, they wait for you to stop talking and they are so calm they calm you down, the good thing is when you come off the phone, you have got your anxieties off your mind, even if only til the next time, then you pick up the phone again and talk out your anxieties again, I think it's more than your job that's causing you your anxieties and you need to get that off your chest, you need the reassurance, you have been through a lot and that's what's caused the anxiety to come so ferociously right now, because past anxieties haven't been released, I do it. I speak about the anxieties that aren't the worst anxieties, because some of our worst anxieties are the hardest to admit

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

There is a Samaritans organization in the US. Good to know.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

Give them a call, I promise they will take a massive weight from you, they are the best organisation to talk to, I guarantee you will be glad you did x

Hello!

I completely get why you feel frustrated with your friends and family when they tell you things you don’t believe to be true. It’s hard to accept things people say about ourselves when we don’t believe them personally. I think nearly everyone is that way with at least something. I know I am but I’m better than I used to be.

The only thing I could tell you is that people have told me I’m strong and I really don’t feel like it. I’ve spent years feeling like I’m about to snap or that my suicide wasn’t a question of if but when. The only person outside of myself who has ever told me I’m strong in a way that has ever made me feel like it was true was my dad. He told me once that he couldn’t imagine doing everything I’ve done with my son and life in general and he was proud of me because in his eyes I was one of the strongest people he knew.

My dad thinks I’m strong for doing things I just.... do. They’re things that I can’t imagine not doing and couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do them.

The reason I bring this up is because to me what is normal seems strong to other people. When I look at my actions and thoughts I see someone barely hanging on and tend too often to focus on my shortcomings. That’s not what other people see. Some people see our failures, but those who love us will focus on successes and being supportive. Or at least I believe that’s the way it should be.

You have to be stronger than you think you are or you would have given up by now. You wouldn’t be here reaching out to people.

I encourage you to try and take active control of your thoughts. You describe yourself as weak and scared. I’m not sure I can think of a better alternative to scared at the moment but whether you realize it or not calling yourself weak only reinforces that belief. So please at least consider taking a week and everytime you think “I’m weak,” take a moment and correct yourself and say “I don’t feel as strong as I know I can be,” or something that is an expression of how you’re feeling without putting yourself down.

In the meantime remember that you’re allowed to feel how you do. You’re feelings are valid and life is hard. Experience your feelings and try not to dwell on them. You’re close to having a mental breakdown? That’s ok. Accept that you’re near your limit and try and move on. Why are you about to have a nervous breakdown? Is there something you can do to take control or relax and decrease the chance of you having a breakdown?

I hope something I said helps and that you start feeling better. It’s hard to get off that downward trajectory and even after you start doing better you might slip back down again but that’s ok. It’s all part of the process. Focus on your successes and take it one day at a time. You’ll be ok in the long run 🙂

Great reply fh. x

It sounds like they are trying their best to help you but not really understanding. Have you tried telling them exactly what you need when you feel like this? Maybe you can find some good reading material online and print it off for them? x

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to hypercat54

I’m still reeling from the response of my best friend, when I told her what was going on, on the phone last week. I told her about the idea of moving back in with my boyfriend, and she was cold about that idea. She thinks I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons. Of course, *she* has a good job (unlike me at the moment) and *she* is this strong, independent type (also unlike me.)

If I have to live by myself much longer I think I really will go crazy.

Anyway, my friend let me talk, and didn’t say anything except “Your first priority needs to be getting a job.”

Well, DUH. I know that. But I can’t financially afford to live by myself without a job; and it’s straining my mental health as well. Also, moving back in with my BF isn’t as sudden as it sounds; I’ve been working on improving that relationship for the past year.

But she’s convinced I should do just one thing at a time, starting with the job. I’ve been job hunting for 8 weeks and haven’t had an offer yet. The job isn’t coming through for me; the place to live (with my BF) is available in the next 2.5 weeks. She can’t or won’t see that things are not happening in the order that she thinks they should happen.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to Kat63

Oh don't you hate friends who think they know what's best for you! You know how you feel and what you want so go with this and don't listen to other people. Ok it might not work out but it's all part of life's rich experiences isn't it? x

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to hypercat54

I have known my BF for 17 years; we lived together 10 years, then had problems 4 years ago and I moved out. But we never really let go of each other. This is the biggest and best relationship of my lifetime. I never stopped loving him. If I don’t at least *try* to work things out with him, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

If it doesn’t work with him - at least now I know I made the effort and spoke to him and tried.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to Kat63

Exactly! x

Hidden
Hidden in reply to hypercat54

I used to have a friend like that, she got dropped like a hot rock, she drove me mad

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

Yes because she doesn't know what it's like to be in your position, don't let her get to you, sometimes the least understanding are those closest to us, because they know us at our best, so in their eyes they know we will get through it.

Kat63
Kat63 in reply to Hidden

She sounded just like her mother when she said that to me - even her voice. And her mom always did have a mean streak.

My friend and I are not that much alike; and she’s not hearing me when I try to explain the situation. So, I know now that I just can’t talk to her about this. But that hurts, because I always thought my best friend would be more supportive.

Luckily, I do have other friends.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Kat63

I know the frustration your feeling, for years I've been hearing "we all feel like that"

"You need to snap out of it" "you need to get help" "go back to your doctor's"

I feel like smashing my head into a wall through sheer frustration, please just don't let her tone get to you, because it will worsen your frame of mind, but I totally know why your agitated by it

You may also like...