Married with 2 kids for 12 years recently I started feeling attracted towards a girl in the office, she is married,most probably not interested in this,anyway I don't want to be interested in this either,but sadly I am because I started matching my meal times to see her,then I knew I messed up,already under treatment for sleep issues and anxiety since 2016
The girl and I don't work together,only common thing is the bus we travel
so as a therapist suggested,I tried talking to her,we share a common group for bus timings,to make her notice I posted some of my educational details I did while working
She congratulated me,so I thought fine,it would be a good way to interact atleast to know what my feelings are actually
As she is in hr,I asked her if she could help me to update my details,she called me over,she had a meeting going on,no idea why did she call in the first place,I returned after sometime,she was with her boss,I waited,well she knew I was there,maybe she did have something important,I don't know,she came out later,apologized,I said I can come any other day,she said it is ok,she was going to stay late,she did explain everything about what I came for,but any little bit away from the conversation was not responded,like I said I need your guidance to select a further course,not much response
I said I had been in shift duty for 15 years and I want to move on
Not much response either
I said thanks for your encouraging comment,a little smile and she said Yea you did good
So in my conclusion I did not think she was interested in a casual friendship either so that I could get to know my feelingsMarried
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sumeetthakur1981
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Seriously.. your therapist suggested talking to her?
Having feelings for people throughout your life is not unnatural. Just like you don't kiss a women without permission you don't break your commitment to your wife without her permission. Like others said walk away.
Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?
Have you never been told no? You are not a slave to your feelings. Do not try to be near her or contact her and move on.
It doesn’t sound like you are acting professionally. She is not a “girl” for one. Human Resources is not career counseling. She can be fired for socializing with employees because she handles sensitive employee information.
Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?
Good, my advice is to keep as far away from this woman as possible, count your blessings and try and make your marriage the best it can be for the sake of your children. Marriage is give and take , and the more you put in the more you get out , good luck
Any suggestions to get over this restlessness and anxiety would be most gratefulIt is not much of the staying away,I intend to do that but dealing with this continuous nagging,anxious feeling
Hello. You are walking on a slippery slope. Why are you so unhappy in your marriage? What is it about this other woman that attracts you where you’re having these feelings towards her??? It’s okay to be friendly but not too friendly. I’m wondering what is going through your mind.
Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?I asked myself the same question, perhaps one factor is that I never had any female friends,colloegues ever,ours is a male dominated company,
Here are some ways to get over these feelings .. you will not like all but maybe one is exactly what you want to hear.
• Be honest with her .. tell her you fantasize about her and see where that goes (this is a very poor choice by the way)
• Anonymously send her lavish gifts and flowers every day/week/month (when you can not afford to eat or pay your bills you may realize the futility)
• Get your wife to approach her for you (best case scenario she is into that sort of thing)
• Quit your job to avoid her completely (a little self destruction never hurt anyone)
• Do not under any circumstance make a play for this woman (there is no situation that you makes you the winner)
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• Reinvent romance with your wife (buy her flowers every month)
It really does not matter what you do to get over this woman, as long as you understand that nothing good will come of it. Nobody can give you a magic cure to repress your feelings. If you can not weigh the consequences and use your own will power to solve this, there will be very little anyone else can do as well.
You are married and have two children, so you are luckier than many people. I hope you are able to count your blessings rather than looking for ways to ruin many lives in this superficial conquest.
• Challenge her husband to a duel (how are your sword skills?)
• Ask your children if they would like a new mother (gauge their reaction and act accordingly)
• Clone yourself (as many times as you like for multiple trysts with other partners)
It is not my intention to make light of your situation. It obviously has created a conflict within yourself. I am at a loss in how I should respond. I am offering crude humour to outline how dangerous your own feelings are. Your will power is your greatest strength here.
Well just know that a little bit of flirting can go a long way. I believe you. I think you should tell your wife that you’re having some feelings for another woman but you haven’t acted on them. You can be honest but not brutally honest. Maybe some type of marriage counseling or therapy would be good for both of you. I will be honest with you. I was in a committed relationship for a long time, and then I met a very interesting and handsome guy and long story short, I stupidly got involved and I really regret it. In some ways he took advantage of me. I’m trying to put all of that in the past, but I really hurt someone who’s been wonderful to me in a lot of ways. We split up, however we never had children. Think about how it would devastate your kids to find out Dad is cheating on Mom. Talk to your spouse and try to get some kind of counseling. You must be unhappy in some way here to be fantazing about someone else . You’re both married and off limits. The End.
• in reply to
If he tells his wife then she will start to feel bad and she has done nothing wrong.
The person having the feelings should be able to control themselves and keep it all inside thier own head until it all passes.
It's not fair to bring the wife into it all.
• in reply to
I happen to believe good communication is important in any relationship. It’s all in the approach and how you bring things up. Certainly his wife has done nothing wrong, however I just think there’s something going on in their marriage that is off or he wouldn’t be so attracted to someone else. We can agree to disagree, that is just how I see things.
Only thing wrong is we got very busy with workAnother thing probably is that, believe it or not I never had any female friends,not in school, college and where I work is a male dominated industry do women are like novelty
But as I said I intend to make myself move away from this feeling and situation
Reading is a good distraction as well as a great way to increase your vocabulary and understanding of the language. I would avoid trashy romance novels and stick to a genre that interests you. I like fantasy, such as Lord of the Rings, or the Dark Elf trilogy. I also have a decent collection of horror and law themed books. John Grisham and Stephen King are incredible authors.
Only thing wrong is we got very busy with workAnother thing probably is that, believe it or not I never had any female friends,not in school, college and where I work is a male dominated industry do women are like novelty
But as I said I intend to make myself move away from this feeling and situation
I intend to stay away l,in fact avoiding her is much more easier than meeting her,I don't have to make any excuses to see her that is itBut I wonder if eventually then this will fade away
Hey,since you have been so much understanding, here is a new thing/thought?
I am kind of now not craving after that person so much now. Had a lot of thoughts about why,why of all the people that one? Started thinking, yes my wife is beautiful and understanding but we really can't spend time together due to my weird duty times. Think of it is as a airport control room but just in a shipping port. That is very stressful, a small mistake and I can cause huge problems. Anxiety started that way. but that never should have any issues over personal feelings right? Then I thought is it really the person I want to see or I need to be noticed by her? So I pictured scenarios where that person is replaced by any other female, albeit of my age. So the answer is coming yes to myself. Then I just thought more, I never had any female friends in school,college. I never had any female colleagues, we are male dominated. And that person was right there, saw her often,in the same bus. Then I thought maybe it was the attention I was craving. I am 42 but I work out a lot so my physique is muscular,I take gogood care of myself.So I thought maybe that was the thing and slowly the feeling over the person has been less intense
But,there is now another issue.Now I kerp worrying that I am so much attention seeking,it would make me sad if I don't get any.I really don't want that narcissistic feeling.I am alright the way it is but still my mind keeps me asking,am I going to be sad if I go in public and be unnoticed?This is weird right?This has never been a pursuasive thought,but now it is definitely happening out of nowhere,so I again ask myself,do I really want that attention?Answer is no,again I ask,will I be sad if I don't get any?The answer is that I don't want to be but I have no idea if I go in public space and my mind becomes hyperactive
Any help to sort this thought eould be a lot helpful
And I am sorry if none of this makes sense but as you advised previously,my wife is the only person I want to be with,
Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?Thanks,I don't intend to cheat,in fact I am looking for ways to get over this feeling,can you suggest any?
I agree, with Hidden , I see you are 41, a typical age for a mid life crisis, it depends if you are happy in your marriage you must do all you can to save it , pay more attention to your wife, a happy wife is a happy life as the saying goes , put all these restless feelings into doing things with your wife and children and I’m sure these feelings will pass, it’s all up to you, life is what you make it.
Thanks,I just lost my calmness today,I was doing okWent to lunch without looking for her,she came up from behind talking on the phone,did not look at her,again went into a meeting room for a call,when came out she was right there talking on the phone
Then my mind went into overdrive
Why did she stop exactly at where I was?
Should I have atleast said hi?
Like that
Any help would be great to avoid this sort of thinking
Thanks,I just lost my calmness today,I was doing okWent to lunch without looking for her,she came up from behind talking on the phone,did not look at her,again went into a meeting room for a call,when came out she was right there talking on the phone
Then my mind went into overdrive
Why did she stop exactly at where I was?
Should I have atleast said hi?
Like that
Any help would be great to avoid this sort of thinking
Down inside there's a part of you that thinks -- or more accurately, feels -- that this woman is so wonderful that she can in some way be your savior. We're all like that to some degree when we have crushes.
But she is just human and if you did get together with her, even aside from all the duplicity and treachery both of you would be engaging in that would be so demoralizing and catastrophic for your spouses and families, after a while you would get tired of each other and you would wonder where all the magic went. Or one of you would leave to go after someone else and the other would cry out about the unfairness of the other doing to you what you did to your spouse.
No human can fill your soul the way you feel this woman can. This is something only God can do.
I know you said you're not going to go forward with any of this, but if you're changing your work schedule to see her more, you're already going forward.
Somebody said change your work schedule back. Sounds like a solid idea to me.
Already done,that is when I realised this has to be stopped and actually started the restlessnessSo today was the first day after the resolution
Did not see her in the bus,stayed away,not even a glance
Actually was going to delay my lunch to avoid her,but we have a reliever system, somebody has to go to eat first to free others,I had to go first as my mate was busy
She was there,I did not even glance
But as I was leaving,she hurriedly came out,I was in an empty meeting room to make a call,she of all the places was standing right outside the door,talking on a phone,I was so much longing for a look but I did not
Then my mind went into overdrive
Why was she standing there,of all places,should I go talk to her,but I held up
Until then I was feeling alright
Why the heck right outside that door,we have a huge office,if decided we can avoid a person for months
Sorry if this was boring,but someone suggested that I write the thoughts down
Some things you can do something about it to bring peace and comfort. Other things you just have to man up and endure. As I said before, there is a part of you that thinks salvation or nirvana can be found in this woman, hence the infatuation. Coming to the realization that this cannot be so now or ever with this woman -- or any woman -- is what will bring peace and comfort. Eventually.
In the mean time you just have to suck it up and move on.
So yesterday was the first day after the resolution
Did not see her in the bus,stayed away,not even a glance
Actually was going to delay my lunch to avoid her,but we have a reliever system, somebody has to go to eat first to free others,I had to go first as my mate was busy
She was there,I did not even glance
But as I was leaving,she hurriedly came out,I was in an empty meeting room to make a call,she of all the places was standing right outside the door,talking on a phone,I was so much longing for a look but I did not
Then my mind went into overdrive
Why was she standing there,of all places,should I go talk to her,but I held up
Until then I was feeling alright
Why the heck right outside that door,we have a huge office,if decided we can avoid a person for months
Sorry if this was boring,but someone suggested that I write the thoughts down
Any advice would be helpfulAlready done,that is when I realised this has to be stopped and actually started the restlessnessSo today was the first day after the resolution
Did not see her in the bus,stayed away,not even a glance
Actually was going to delay my lunch to avoid her,but we have a reliever system, somebody has to go to eat first to free others,I had to go first as my mate was busy
She was there,I did not even glance
But as I was leaving,she hurriedly came out,I was in an empty meeting room to make a call,she of all the places was standing right outside the door,talking on a phone,I was so much longing for a look but I did not
Then my mind went into overdrive
Why was she standing there,of all places,should I go talk to her,but I held up
Until then I was feeling alright
Why the heck right outside that door,we have a huge office,if decided we can avoid a person for months
Sorry if this was boring,but someone suggested that I write the thoughts down
Hey,since you all have been so much understanding, here is a new thing/thought?
I am kind of now not craving after that person so much now. Had a lot of thoughts about why,why of all the people that one? Started thinking, yes my wife is beautiful and understanding but we really can't spend time together due to my weird duty times. Think of it is as a airport control room but just in a shipping port. That is very stressful, a small mistake and I can cause huge problems. Anxiety started that way. but that never should have any issues over personal feelings right? Then I thought is it really the person I want to see or I need to be noticed by her? So I pictured scenarios where that person is replaced by any other female, albeit of my age. So the answer is coming yes to myself. Then I just thought more, I never had any female friends in school,college. I never had any female colleagues, we are male dominated. And that person was right there, saw her often,in the same bus. Then I thought maybe it was the attention I was craving. I am 42 but I work out a lot so my physique is muscular,I take good care of myself.So I thought maybe that was the thing and slowly the feeling over the person has been less intense
But,there is now another issue.Now I kerp worrying that I am so much attention seeking,it would make me sad if I don't get any.I really don't want that narcissistic feeling.I am alright the way it is but still my mind keeps me asking,am I going to be sad if I go in public and be unnoticed?This is weird right?This has never been a pursuasive thought,but now it is definitely happening out of nowhere,so I again ask myself,do I really want that attention?Answer is no,again I ask,will I be sad if I don't get any?The answer is that I don't want to be but I have no idea if I go in public space and my mind becomes hyperactive
Any help to sort this thought eould be a lot helpful
And I am sorry if none of this makes sense but as you advised previously,my wife is the only person I want to be with
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