A Little Too Dark

[xCrowx]

When I was 9 years old, I had a really good friend that I used to play with at recess. One day, I went to look for her and found her playing with another girl. This other girl was the purest, most innocent thing I've ever seen even to this day. When I asked if my friend wanted to play they looked at each other for a moment before she said no and the other girl said "Sorry, you're a little too dark."

I think that was the first time that I felt "darker" than the other kids, but it's not something that I had ever been aware of. I was upset and envious of this girl because she didn't have to know what it was like. What it was like to hide in her own home, to pray they fell asleep, or to cry alone. Maybe if she knew all this about me or had experienced it herself, she'd understand why I seemed a little "dark". In the end this helped me to realize though that people didn't want to see my pain, so I wound up becoming a loner and when I had to deal with people, I put on a smile.

This became a habit of always keeping my feelings to myself. Turned out to be a benefit when I began working in fast food and had to hide my contempt for the job. The other day at my new job however I was listening to a story one of my coworkers told a small group of us about her husband who had passed. It wasn't a detailed story, she just brought it up in the conversation. That's when I suddenly realized that my coworkers all had serious expressions as they listened to her story, but I had a smile on my face. They must have thought I was heartless as I sat there with that smile on my face.

I laugh at little things that aren't that funny and smile when people talk to me, but at this point it's just a reflex. It's like I'm trying to convince the world, or maybe myself, that I'm fine. I feel so fake. I feel like I am wearing a mask with a huge smile on my face, and it won't come off. I guess it's been so long that now, I just don't know how to be real because people don't want to see my "real".

Now that I am aware of it, I want to grow past it. I want to learn and teach myself that it's okay, I don't always have to smile. Anyways, I just needed to vent this. If you read all the way through this then kudos and thanks for listening to my rant. If you've had a similar experience, or you find yourself doing the same thing as me, "wearing a smiling mask", please feel free to share if you are comfortable enough to. It really helps to know that you aren't the only one going through it.

[mrmonk]

Hello xCrowx,

Though not quite the same thing, social anxiety and OCD affect me in a slightly similar way. A long time back when I hosted poetry readings and open mics at bookstores and libraries, I met this really nice poet who had been in a terrible car accident, leaving him permanently disabled, including a degree of facial paralysis, which impaired his ability to speak. His girlfriend asked if I would read his poems at the open mics and I happily did so.

When I read his work, his eyes and smile would light up the room, hearing his words come to life (I tend to get very animated when I read poetry aloud); it was such a privilege to be his proxy and such a gift to share in his joy.

One night, after a reading, his girlfriend was telling me something about the legal proceedings following the accident -- but because I am ignorant of just about everything, I didn't understand what she was saying exactly, and because my anxiety got the better of me, I didn't have the clarity of mind to ask for clarification -- I just nodded and said, "Oh, that's good."

Only, it wasn't good.

To this day, I don't know exactly what she said, but whatever it was, it had been bad news. And she pointed this out to me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed.

I still have this problem, where I get flustered talking to someone and will sometimes just pretend I understand what they are saying. I know my experience is not the same as yours, but I do understand feeling fraudulent out in the world.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope you will continue to share.

Welcome to the forums, and I love the poem on your profile page. Do you have any favorite poets?

[xCrowx in reply to mrmonk]

Thanks for the reply, Mrmonk.

Awesome username by the way.

I definitely get where you are coming from. I have done the same thing where I just nod along to things I don't understand or things I don't particularly take an interest in. I am just lucky it's never come back to bite me.

From your story, they sound like nice people though so I am sure they eventually came to realize that you were just confused when you responded that way. Considering you do have anxiety, it's very awesome that you were willing to go up there and read his poems for him, besides hosting it!

I wish I could say I did have a favorite poet but I have honestly never really dove into poetry that much. My interest in poetry and writing really drove me more directly into songwriting. I have always had a love fire symbolism however, both on the page and not.

Thanks again for sharing!

[mrmonk in reply to xCrowx]

You're welcome, xCrowx.

Monk is one of my favorite TV shows; I identify with so many of the title character's OCD tics and behaviors, his phobias and neuroses, I felt it fitting to adopt his name as my HealthUnlocked moniker.

Wonderful to be a songwriter, balancing both the arts of music and poetry (after all, what are songs but another form of lyric poem?) -- do you have any favorite songwriters/musicians/bands?

Also, is the piece on your profile page an original work? I really enjoyed it. It made me think of a poem I wrote a long time back about the phoenix myth, which, of course, played with fire imagery galore!

[VDC1]

I’m so sorry that you experienced some abuse and as a child, which you alluded to but didn’t elaborate on. I am not an expert and am seeking help myself for something similar, but I think you should seek help in dealing with the effects of whatever is it that happened during your childhood, if that is indeed the underlying cause of your antisocial behavior. It’s something that wasn’t your fault, you shouldn’t be ashamed of and shouldn’t have to continue to deal with. I know what it’s like to suffer socially due to negative childhood experiences. It can be debilitiating, but it’s not who you are as a person, it’s just a result of the abuse. You can change it, you just need to seek help. Good luck to you .

[hypercat54]

Hi I doubt whether a 9 year old girl could see 'darkness' in other people as it's much to complex for many adults to fathom. Maybe she meant you hair was too dark or your clothes etc. I think with hindsight you are seeing this in a 'false' light.

The smiling mask is very common as we all to some extent use this to survive situations such as work. We couldn't cope without it if we wanted to hold down a job after all. The trouble with masks though is that they can take over your life leading you to deny that anything is wrong and to hold it all inside yourself.

I do very much what you do and for me this started as a child. When my parents were arguing we kids would listen upstairs and my sister would have a go at me for smiling. It was the only way I could cope with it and was a defence mechanism. When my mother had a go at me and I was upset I knew no one would comfort me so I would cry alone. This has become a fast habit over the years and one which I am trying to break. x

[Hidden]

My Childhood was very negative with family members, I was unable to relate to others and that became problematic as I went to school and work. This was a real problem until Pension Age where I moved on and was able to set myself free until my past family concerns came and twisted my mood once more. I will now have my uncertainties until various family concerns disappear once more over time

You need to consider your own needs, however it may be a good idea to talk to your Doctor, write up a note with the concerns and reason you have. You need to seek advice and understanding to move on

BOB