Help! Depression interrupted my parenting.. I am so so sad.

[Montana136]

I have a particular problem these last few years well 6 years now. I raised my daughter as a single mother for 14 years I did a very good job I gave my daughter a lot of the things that my parents weren't able to provide for me emotionally. I know I did a really good job.. considering my parents were not healthy examples..when my daughter was 12 I tried EMDR trauma therapy. I found it beneficial however it brought out some latent anger in me and a lot of traumatic memories as you can imagine. I was once a fairly healthy minded very focused single mother with a purpose. Because of the traumatic nature of this kind of therapy it triggered an episode of depression and then my daughter turned 13, hit puberty, went into her room and pretty much shut the door on me and didn't engage with me unless she had to. it's natural to do this to your parents, but it made me feel sad and rejected like I had done something wrong and that I was hated or there was a huge problem that I didn't know about and I couldn't fix it. I lost my focus I started questioning my confidence. I started doubting myself. She wasn't interacting with me and I lost my purpose, I felt like I had lost a friend, my daughter. I became very lonely for her and just lonely in general without a mate. So a much deeper level of depression is occurring. after losing my confidence, i starting doubting myself. My very low self-esteem arisen again! the natural progression for me is to self-sabotage, start making unhealthy unwise decisions for myself. And it wasn't long until I was fired from my job.. my daughter knew something was going on but I couldn't even help myself so I could not help her navigate this serious problem like I had always had done for her before..

Actually I was the problem. It got worse if you can imagine that. I let a man into my house who was an alcoholic and toxic in his own ways. This was the most regretful mistake I have ever made in my life and her life. She immediately did not like him. She did say to me one day that she wanted to leave home she didn't want to live with me anymore.. In some moment of clarity I realized that I was going down a toxic rabbit hole and had been for 2 years already.

So I made the decision to put my daughter with my mother where I knew she would be safe from me, my mental illness my toxic decisions and life. I honestly believed I would be able to get my shit together and bring her home. Within a month at my mom's, she hated my guts she couldn't look at me without a very obvious look of disgust in her eyes, she wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't respond to anything that I did or said and rightfully so. This went on for months and I did not give her grief for this action towards me. She now really did hate me and I knew it. And what's worse is it looks like I dumped her for a man. But I did not. He was just the straw that broke the camel's back. He was yet again a very bad decision like many of the bad decisions I had made in the previous two years. She left when she was 14 she's now almost 20 she's still with my mother she is going to University halfway through to her bachelor's degree. She plays the cello beautifully and has excelled. I think she utilizes music as healing and therapy. She is smart she is thrifty she has some wisdom about her for her young age. She is making an effort to include me in her life but she's got walls and healing to do and I can't and won't rush her but I'm so so sad and I did this all myself don't think I don't know that. I feel so guilty regretful and shameful that a lot of these days in the last 6 years I have felt like she would be better off without me. I have had suicidal urges since I was myself 13. But now they are very regular and even on some good days and even on days with positive interaction with her I still come home I feel lonely and I feel she would be better off without a depressed mother who hurt her and left her with her grandmother. I am so ashamed.

I have been diagnosed with clinical major depression generalized anxiety and PTSD way before she was even born. I have never been free completely of depression and I fear I never will be. I need to find some hope because what's scaring me now is that I am having good days I am feeling better I am doing more for myself. I am present available supportive for my daughter. I respond when she calls I help when she asks I encourage her with kind words and and a loving heart that I truly do have for her. But I can't get rid of that feeling that she doesn't really need or want me and I can't seem to forgive myself until I know that she can forgive me. And even then, I may not forgive myself. So one thing that I'm grateful for is that I was indeed a very forward thinking, informed, calm, loving, fun mother once. And I have a really good kid. I am once again on a path of healing. Thank you for reading this very long post.

Montana

[Montana136]

Hello soft snow. I thank you for your kind words I know what you said to be true you're right. I know that all these diagnosis I have are real and very unfortunate but I still feel ashamed often. I wish to let shame go it's been following me a very long time. I'm so glad times are changing and mental illness is more readily talked about. When I needed help as a child, I didn't get any because nobody talked about mental illness and the effects of abuse on a child. Things are different now, I know my daughter who is a young adult now cannot relate and does not understand these illnesses. She is young and judgmental. I hope that one day she recognizes how hard it can be to walk through life feeling and complete. I guess if she understood me then I would know that she would havehad to experience depression so I guess really I hope she never understands.Thank you so much for the reality check. I do feel better. Thank you very much thank you for sharing and thank you for your logic. Be well.. ✌️

[Starrlight]

❤️((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))❤️

[Montana136 in reply to Starrlight]

Hello starlight, I thank you for the virtual hug. it is warm and comforting. very very good for my soul! I am smiling ❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Montana136]

I’m so glad you smiled and that the hug with love warmed and comforted. ❤️ Bestt to to you ☺️

[Hidden]

It sounds like you’re doing the best that you can and that’s all you can do. It’s difficult to be a single Mom even if you didn’t have any mental health issues. Thank you for sharing on here. I have some serious problems with severe depression and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it’s probably for the best that I don’t have children but there are times I feel sad about that. As they say, in this life you do your best to play the hand you’re dealt.

[Montana136 in reply to Hidden]

I struggled with the thought of having children too. I knew I would be a good mother at heart but was worried about genetically passing on depression and how my depression would affect my child. I do not regret my daughter at all I think I did make the right decision giving her to my mom because she seems to be doing very well. As well as any 19-year-old can be. And I know that you can do everything right by your children and they can still end up thinking you screwed them up for life. I worry too much she's going to leave me behind but I really can't do anything about that. Thank you for sharing I do appreciate it very much. Be well

[Lucy2023]

Shame and guilt seem to be the most stubborn emotions to make peace with. It sounds like you made a very wise decision to give your daughter to your mother, as she is making a good life for herself. We do the best we can with what we know and have at any given time. Perhaps you may like to write her a letter about how you feel; letting her know how much you love her and how sorry you are for the pain you caused her. It's only a suggestion. I hope you find peace within and find something healthy to ease your loneliness. Take good care of yourself.

[Montana136 in reply to Lucy2023]

Thank you Lucy for your suggestion. I happen to be a better letter writer than I am in verbal conversation. I have written to her and I have said to her out loud that I am sorry. She just looks at me with a blank look. Not a upset look just like, I don't know I have no idea what she's thinking. She won't say and I don't push. I also have this urge to just keep apologizing and that's not healthy either. Thank you very much for your kindness and your words to me. This community feels very helpful and warming. I think I found a good place to be, right here on this platform. Thank you again take care of yourself and be well

[elaine2447]

Please don't blame yourself for anything, so you made a mistake taking in a toxic man but that was 14 years later. Children don't understand how difficult it is to raise a single child and I have found you cannot do right for doing wrong as they say. My husband died before my daughter's 4th birthday. She was my life and I always imagined we would be best friends like my mother and I. I made the fatal mistake of overindulging her with anything she wanted to compensate her father dying. I was on Aussie benefits so not rich and used to do cash in hand jobs. We came back to the UK 3 years later after I finished renovating the house so that she would have the support of my parents as well.

It didn't seem to work out, she whined and criticised everything i did right through to teens, me desperately trying to please. She went to university and i was pretty much ignored. She eventually found a partner and had a baby . He was a sickly baby and I was worried about her going back to work after maternity leave, so the money my dad left me (he died sadly three weeks before my grandson was born) I paid their rent plus more for 15 months and used to see them every week and had a close bond with my grandson. They were 2.5 hours away on the train but that didnt matter. They then bought a house which is only 11 mins on the train for me. To cut a long story short, I am told I am a narcissist and in need of mental therapy and thinks I probably did since 2008 but that didnt stop her using me for holidays and anything else she wanted up to 2020. I have never been pushy used to listen to how indifferent her partners mother was to my grandson. All I wanted was a little affection and consideration, nothing more. I am the least narcissistic person I know so it would be funny if it were not so sad. So now that is the finish, it is less stress for me constantly fretting alone wondering if they would come and see me or at least send a message now and again but sad that I won't see my 7 year old grandson any more. I still send parcels but no acknowldgement of them. I had 5 very happy years with him and I have all the little videos on a dvd.

So stop blaming yourself, it seems some children are like that and there is nothing we can do.

[Montana136 in reply to elaine2447]

Hello Elaine, your story is what I fear. I'm afraid she's going to get out of University find a husband and have a family and leave me behind. I'm so sorry your daughter won't acknowledge you. reading your story I feel pain. It is sad sometimes how our children can behave if they have been spoiled a bit. My daughter also was spoiled a bit because her father was very toxic and she ended up having to detach from him completely he was so bad. I overcompensated and so did her grandparents. I am wondering how in the world did you overcome the grief of the loss of your daughter and grandson? You sound like you made it through. I wonder sometimes if I'm going to make it to a natural death. I feel so utterly shameful and guilty I I'm scared. Thank you so much for responding and sharing your story. I'm so sorry you were treated this way. It just isn't fair and I know fair really doesn't exist in this world but I want the world to be fair. Take care of yourself and be well

[elaine2447 in reply to Montana136]

I am afraid it might sound harsh, but my daughter has treated me unpleasantly nearly her whole life from about the age of 7, so I am actually relieved of the stress but I am upset about my grandson. I did think of being a surrogate grandmother but when i was discussing it with another lady who has a really unpleasant daughter, she and her husband did this with a single mother but got robbed. In any case now I feel too old and got so many health issues is enough to think about. You are obviously a lot younger than me so hopefully in time your daughter will soften up, I hope so.

[Montana136 in reply to elaine2447]

Hello Elaine. No it is not harsh to need to detach from an unhealthy person even if it is your child. I agree with you. I think my daughter will soften she hasn't really totally rejected me. I just have a constant feeling of depression because of probably guilt and shame. That is very sad about the surrogate grandparents. that the people got robbed it is a scary world we have come to. I understand your hesitance in that. I am trying to volunteer but even struggling with that. Thank you for your words and information I appreciate you sharing with me. Every little bit helps. Take care of you ❤️✌️

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Hi Montana. I relate to some degree with you. I was a single mother too. But in addition to my clinical depression (at the time) I also was an alcoholic for the first 11 years of her life. Talk about guilt and shame!

Plus I had her when I was 17. So it was a baby bringing up a baby. I felt guilty about that too.

Cathy was a handful. I got sober when she was 11. And then she started acting out. Teenage girls are tough even if they’re sane.

She developed her own issues with alcohol, drugs and mental illness. And lived a very chaotic life.

I was fortunate to find help in a 12 Step program which gave me the tools to make amends and forgive myself (as best as I could). Do I still have regrets? Yes. But I was able to give her a sober mother for 43 years.

She died two years ago. And I was crushed. It was the worst pain ever. Am slowly healing. But it’s rough.

Be grateful she’s in your life and enjoy each precious moment you have with her. And please forgive yourself. You have an unasked for disease. And did the best you could with what you had. ❤️

[Montana136 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Hello Lilyanne puppy. Thank you for your words. I am so happy that you found sobriety and were able to spend 43 years with her. Her death must have been devastating to you. You are so right I'm going to have to set aside some of these horrible feelings and just enjoy the time I have with her. Thank you thank you for saying and sharing that with me. My daughter is doing well she seems to be happy she doesn't show signs of depression like I did. So I should be on my knees thanking the Lord for all these gifts. This is a pattern I have overlooking the gifts. And dwelling on what I don't have. I must remember she is still here she is still visiting with me and is going in a really good direction. I feel a little silly now but that's okay. I can't even imagine having to bury a child. Thank you for sharing with me I truly value what you have said. Take care of yourself and be well and I think I am going to try and make a commitment to you in and that I will value the time I have left with her. And I did do the best I could at the time. Thank you again

[dogandcatlover27]

I think you need to forgive yourself.You was ill and was only thinking of your daughters welfare when she went to live with her Grandmother.She’s turned out a remarkable young lady so you should take credit for that.I’m sure she forgives you and the older she gets she’ll become more able to understand the choices you made.And you can have a more adult relationship with her.

Depression is a terrible illness and robs us of all joy..It seems to just come back over and over again.Some people only have 1 episode in their lives while others like us have a lifetime of illness.

[Montana136 in reply to dogandcatlover27]

Hello dog and cat lover thank you for your response I appreciate your words and your encouragement to forgive myself. You're right she did turn out to be remarkable and I definitely had something to do with that. I must focus on those good memories I had with her and let myself off the hook. I too find depression a terrible illness that robs my joy. I am one of those lifelongers. I do have an opportunity to have a good adult relationship with her I feel more mentally stable I feel more like the healthy person I used to be, still have bad days but don't we all. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement when I really did need it. Take care of yourself and be well ❤️✌️🍄