I'm even worried about my worries (rant)

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

I'm not really sure how I feel about putting my thoughts out here on the internet but I guess it's worth a try and I know this is a great community.

I'm even worried about my worries and whether or not their legitimate or just petty and trivial. I'm worried about troubling other people with them and about seeming pretentious for even having these worries.

I'm worried about my significant other. I'm afraid that things have/are growing stale between us and I'm scared but I can't tell if this is just wild abstract rumination caused by anxiety or actual concrete rumination founded in evidence with signs that I could pick up on. I can't tell the difference because I can't tell if these "signs" are real or a result of paranoia. To top it all off, the depression makes this feel really important and I guess it is quite important but I just can't accept that things will be alright, no matter what happens. I am afraid beyond anything I have ever felt before. I'm worried that my current state is causing this shift and that I will never be happy again. I want to be able to do something about it but it feels like I'm in a fog and just can't think clearly. I know that I just need to be myself and wait and that everything will be fine but that doesn't stop me from being terrified of the future. I spend every waking moment in fear and it is just so tough.

All the while I feel like such a spoiled brat for even being able to have this problem in the first place. I am so privelaged, I have had the best education and there are so many who have so much less than me but don't struggle nearly as bad as me and it makes me feel like such a failure.

It's been over 4 months now that I have been feeling like this every single hour of every day and the doctors are still lollygagging. I have to wait so long for therapy that doesn't even help because no one bothers to actually listen to my problems to get me the right treatment. I feel like I'm being crushed but I have no choice but to continue. I just wish it were over already sooooo badly. But I must keep going.

[Agora1]

"Fear of Fear, Worry about Worrying" is a given for the person struggling withdaily anxiety. I remember those days so vividly. Afraid to go to sleep knowing I

would wake up once again in fear of a new day. And so the fear cycle keeps growing.

Anticipational anxiety is just as bad as realistic anxiety. The thoughts in our brain

changes as well as the reaction in our body.

I will say that it can be difficult for others around us to fully understand what we are

going through. I wouldn't always put it out to paranoia. It could be an annoyance to

another as well as a feeling of helplessness in not knowing how to help their loved one.

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of both your parents. That had to be a devasting

and tragic event in your life. May I ask what happened more recently 4 months ago that

got you in this downward spiral?

Nobody's worries are ever trivial if they interrupt your daily way of living.

Just know that we do listen on this forum. We know what it's like and we care about

supporting each one of us. I'm truly happy you are here with us. Welcome xx

[bonkers65 in reply to Agora1]

Worrying about worrying. I can relate.

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin in reply to Agora1]

Well I'm not really sure exactly what caused my crisis but it was definetly a culmination of things. It happened exactly 1 week after uploading my dissertaion to uni and I remember the stress at the time was extreme. The therapist said that it was probably this stress that caused the depression and anxiety to emerge that had been lying dormant and building in the 6 years since my father died and that this sudden emergence probably caused some mild psychosis too.

whatever the exact reason is, it was clearly an overload of pressure and stress that broke me and I've been ruined ever since.

[newfbull]

I get you and I am in the same space now! III have similar thoughts/feelings about my marriage. However, I do believe that some of those thoughts come from a place of loneliness because the anxiety is so isolating. I think when we feel bleak, we think bleak and find it hard to trust and feel safe, even with our partners.

[Mrspjsmom]

If you feel the need to post please don't worry. We will support you any way we can. There is no logic to anxiety and depression and feelings are feelings. Neither of those things is wrong. Hope today is a bit better.

[Midori]

If you don't want your worries all over the 'Net, you can lock your post to the community.

Cheers, Midori