I'm About to Crack

[mvillarreal]

All this suffering going on in my head because of current worries, past traumas, and feeling like I'm not good enough has been happening for a long time, but I feel like it's finally breaking my spirit. I'm noticing more and more that I'm tempted to lose my faith in God (I haven't yet, but my trust in any meaning or purpose to life is growing very shaky now); I'm starting to see the universe as a bad place; I'm starting to think there's no point to any of it; and I'm starting to think that I'm a terrible human who deserves to suffer. I feel like I'm reliving everything in my past again, but this time, it's truly on the verge of breaking me. I can only endure so much, and I might be reaching a point of losing the resilience that's kept me going. I've always been a person who tries to march forward and keep going when difficulties happen; that resilience is dying inside me now. How do I renew my hope again? How do I tell myself that everything is okay? How do I love myself when part of me feels like I'm going to hurt someone and break their spirit someday?

[Anxiousmermaid57]

Have you tried reaching out to a therapist. I always tried dealing with everything on my own but I realize now there’s nothing wrong in seeking help. I understand what you mean as far as feeling like you’re losing your faith when you’re so negative and stuck in your head all the time. I am exploring different routes for my recovery. I’m on medication (I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder recently) I have joined this support group as well as a couple others and I have a therapist that I have recently started working with. You are taking a step in the right direction by joining this group and realizing that you need help. Stay strong and find something positive to keep you fighting.

[mvillarreal in reply to Anxiousmermaid57]

Yes, I've had a therapist for over a year now, and she's really good. Even so, it's still hard, and I've been struggling a lot with shame, self-blame, and unforgiveness toward myself.

[Anxiousmermaid57 in reply to mvillarreal]

Are you for taking medication? I generally am not for medication but I understand that right now I need it. Forgiving yourself is hard. You probably have the questions bouncing around why me and why can’t I feel more normal. I struggle with that too because I’ve overcame so many bad things in my life without medication and therapy but I’m glad that I’m doing those things now. I know you can do this!! Stay positive and take it one day at a time. Some days will be harder than others but anything worth having in life you have to work for it.

[mvillarreal in reply to Anxiousmermaid57]

Yes. I also take an emergency medication for when the anxiety gets intense. Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling anxious and nauseous and it helped when I took it, even though it made me tired. I'm still struggling, but I feel like I'm at a point where I'm managing it better today.

[JkBauer]

I am sorry to hear how terrible things are looking for you. If you do not mind me asking, what is troubling you so bad? Are you seeing a counselor? If not, it would be a good idea to meet with one. If that is not something that will work, I would suggest going and visiting with your pastor and he for certain can get you going in the right direction for the right kind of help. Do you have a spouse or any kids? - What would they think if they lost you? All your family and friends would be very hurt and sorrowful. Sometimes the best thing that we can do for ourselves to get out of the rut we are in, is get up and go help/ volunteer. There is ALWAYS someone that is worse of than we are, we just do not see it, because we are to focused on our own problems. - How can you help those people who are homeless and need food? Go to the mission and help serve a meal or two. How can you help those children who are unwanted and maybe abused by their own parents? Volunteer at the local youth program or in the local church youth programs. How about those me and women who have served in the military and are turned away and can not get a hold of their nightmares of being in the war? Go down to the VA and volunteer and be a friend. Maybe you might be an animal person. How about those animals in the shelter that are all caged up? Go to the shelter and volunteer to walk the animals... There are so many things you can do. You just need to be creative and think of ways to help out. How about a young mom who is in need of a break from her little toddlers? Go over and say hi, ask if you can help- bring a casserole over so she does not have to cook lunch/dinner. Or the elderly, How about the elderly in the nursing home who have no one come to visit them or are confined to their bed because of health complications? They would love a visit from you! Maybe you play music. You could give piano lessons or maybe you like crafts. You crochet washcloths and sell them in a bundle or teach someone how to crochet...I am praying for you!

[mvillarreal in reply to JkBauer]

To tell you the truth, it might sound weird, but years ago, I went through a spiritual trauma where I thought that God would never forgive me and that I was going to hell. Even though I've since moved past that embedded theology, whenever things come up about hell or somebody not forgiving someone, it triggers memories of that awful time. I'm now struggling with some OCD moral questions about whether forgiveness is something that we should do to truly be the loving people we are meant to be because some people think forgiveness is unnecessary. The hard part about this is that, if I say that forgiveness isn't necessary, I feel like I'm condoning the behaviors of the god I created in my mind, and it feels like self-betrayal. At the same time, however, I worry that I'm also betraying other victims of trauma for whom forgiveness feels impossible if I say that we should forgive (as my intuition tells me). Then, I start to worry that I'll hurt someone so bad, they will never forgive me, which seems worse than death to me after what I went through!This struggle is causing me a lot of anxiety, and I feel like I'm reliving that struggle all over again. I am seeing a counselor right now, and she's amazing! We're working on processing the trauma right now, and it's hard, but I think it will help me in the long run. I don't have a spouse or any kids; I'm single, but I do have a family, and that is part of what keeps me going. I know they would be devestated if they lost me, but I also sometimes worry that I'll hurt or victimize someone if I stay alive because of my Harm OCD. I would love to volunteer and do something to help others right now, but I don't know if that's possible, given the pandemic right now...unless you know of something that doesn't involve going out. I also don't want to expose myself to Covid-19 right now, especially going through this much stress because stress really takes a toll on my immune system.

[JkBauer in reply to mvillarreal]

That it is great! Keep up the good job! I am so glad to hear that your counselor is amazing and what you are working though with her is going really well! - You do not have to answer this, this is only meant as a thought provoking question for you; "Did something happen back in your younger years that poses such an anxiety and fear in you? What do you think might help you to overcome the anxiety,worry, fear?" I am praying for you!

[PapaDocs]

Whatever you do, mvillareal, try your best not to lose your faith in God. Many people today are getting through because of their strong faith. It is good that you are seeing a therapist but sometimes they can only do so much. The clinical environment and the analysis might be able to help you only up to a certain point. People need relationships, the strongest one is with God. But seek out your friends and relatives as well, and church friends or acquaintances. You can use zoom which offers free limited access. This is my two cents for your question on how to renew your hope … go back to your faith in God. Talk to a pastor if you go to a church. You can also go to a pastor from another church. I did this when I wanted advice from someone who did not know me, for more privacy. The only way to remove all the suffering that is going on in your head is to replace them with good and positive thoughts. Do not worry too much. Let go of things you cannot control and work on the ones that you can. This feeling of being not good enough, is it real? If it is not, do not pull yourself down. If it is, seek help, get advice on how to get better. Read books especially your Bible on how to improve such as self-control, guarding your tongue, treating others with respect. I hope this helps in regaining your trust in meaning and purpose. Be a blessing to yourself and to others and life will surely get better.

[Keb8250]

Don’t give up remember this my friend it’s always some one going through worst and don’t loose your faith in god the devil is hard at work, God sent his son and he died to show us that he he favors us all the same stay strong, even though it’s easier said then done I’m going trough anxiety problems and I’m gonna learn to get along with them and make them my friend till it’s gets bored of me and leaves !!! Stay strong my friend you are a winners we all are born winners!!