I can't absolutely function on my own. I've lost track of the time and dates. I have to cancel my gym membership at university city because im not there and i don't want just money spent but i forgot it's getting 31st and i should go there. I'm scared to. Rn tried to cook and im physically in pain from my thoughts while being on my own with my mind. My laptop has been gone since 15th this month. I'm an absolute vegetable.
C-PTSD from the abuse is changing my brain, it literally hurts. But it's making me even more dependent on mom
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Against_the_current
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What happened to. your computer? Are you staying with your mom then? The brain pain worries me. It could, of course, be a result of your psychological struggles, but it might be a sign of something in addition to that. CLB1125 is right: please see a doctor and talk about the pain. I'd avoid describing your mental turmoil so that the doctor doesn't immediately assume you're making up the head hurt.
I'm not discounting the effect the turmoil in life is causing, but I'd hate for you to have a physically-based condition that goes. undiagnosed because everyone has convinced you that everything is psycological.
It sucks. But my doctor just said "my head hurts too". I just need a new laptop. I bought this one in 2019 for 200$ and it was malfunctioning but then while travelling and with my leg, i dropped it
I think, if I remember right, one reply you received from someone was a compliment on your educational achievement. I am not sure but I think you were trying to get a job which required a degree. and had at least completed some classes. I identify with you in one area...that is the part about blaming your own thinking process when things are exceedingly difficult, when another emergency arises. I cannot advise you, and many times no one can advise me...because they do not know enough about my experience. I believe that you tried professional help, and found that it complicated things. Your decisions may be right in many cases, but when the problems keep coming, your faith is lost, and you cannot believe you have made any progress, or that you will ever make progress. This happens to me and I become stranded for a while, seemingly without a foundation, but there are solutions that sometimes are so close. I hope you can find the faith you need...to understand that you were born and have the family you do for a reason, and even the time you are living in is not an accident. I believe in a Higher Power. When I forget, I can feel lost. If you are good at academics, have you ever thought about reading the Bible to find the answers for yourself..not to let anyone else interpret it for you in the wrong direction, but to find out for yourself if it will help. I think you could understand it. Your academic background could help.
Your continued communication is needed and appreciated. Very similar to what many of us are experiencing in our lives... although the feeling of extreme emergency sometimes lessens enough to tackle a simpler problem. Isolation can increase the sense of emergency. I was able to get in contact with a phone support group, where there were people who knew about this. It is local to me, so I cannot get you in contact with it, but maybe you can find such a group near you. It xan help during a time when you are forced to be alone. There probably is a group like it in Bulgaria? I don't know, but stay in contact with us on Health Unlocked.
I am really sorry that your state of emergency is lasting so long. I admire that you still love your mother and try to help her...I 'm not sure I could do it. I can only try to guess what is going on in a different country, and I think you mentioned once that you do not have 12-step groups like Al-Anon there ( Al-Anon is specifically for people whose loved ones are alcoholics. i thought there were branches all over the world. ) If you cannot complete your education right now, or get a job, because of the stress you are under, then it is the only decision you can make. ( although you still could finish later when you have a better, safer feeling. I have also had to give up , for now, some things I was working on, and it doesn't feel right. I am not an expert and I have experienced periods of time when I could not handle life's problems like I once did. It causes a sinking feeling and I really think it is normal to feel despair during these times. I still think it is not a permanent disability. Our thoughts can very powerful and sometimes we have to wait until they become clearer again. I have experienced the terrible thoughts that are disabling, and then recovered more than once. It is going to be confusing to witness your mother's actions when she is not able to manage life at all. It is still wonderful that you feel a close attachment to her. I hope though that you can find a safe place, if it is only for a couple hours a day. Do you feel sage going to a park? Is there one near where you live?
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I can’t make it on my own
I can't take it, I'm feeling suicidal
I Am The Hero Of My Own Life Journal 
I dont like being by myself with my own thoughts for one moment. I need to change.
