I am home alone and most day are hard b/c those negative toxic thoughts start to seep into my brain causing my anxiety to spike. I've just gone thru a major incident of anxiety. It was scary and has left me fearful that I'll go thru it again. I'm on leave from work and I want to try different ways of trying to heal from this episode so that when I go back to work, I'm not so fearful.
At the moment, I live in a world of fear. I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of my toxic thoughts.
I've tried everything: affirmations, meditation, yoga, deep breathing, walks in nature, walks with my dog, medication - none of this has helped.
I am in therapy and have been thru a 2 week partial program in a group setting which seems to have been the most helpful in reducing my anxiety. I'm waiting to get into a CBT group soon.
On the days I don't see my therapist or talk to a trusted friend, I feel lost and alone. So here I am for the first time, reaching out to an online community to see if this helps alleviate the loneliness and maybe helps me learn something or maybe offer me a new perspective. To let me know that I am not alone in this struggle.
Who else is out there on the anxiety journey?
Thanks for reading. Hoping to hear some voices out there who are willing to share. I'm here with tears in my eyes feeling overwhelmed by my feelings.
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Perhaps my reply won't help you on what you can try to feel better, but at least I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, as I´m experiencing those same feeling at the moment and I just wanted to know that you have my sympathy.
I have been feeling very low for over a month now, no matter how hard I try, or what I try, there seems to be not improvement at all. The hardest part is that I feel completly lonely, I have no many friends and the ones that I have hardly understand what I´m going throught.
I can´t take a leave at work because of the company I work at and the field I´m in, taking a mental health leave can look very bad on my professional record. To be honest, I think being busy at work is the only thing that has kept me from going completly and fully down into a psicotic cycle. But I´m exhausted and overwhelmed all the time.
Thanks for sharing! I know I can´t offer much, but feeling heard and understood can have a positive impact in moments like this. So I´m here for it.
Hi LG! Thank you kindly for your response. I can't tell you how much it brought a ray of light into this dark day.
And you're right, just knowing that I am not on this path alone is helpful - thank you!
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle.
Though my work brought me stress, it also brought me distraction. Nonetheless, my anxiety got so overwhelming, that I couldn't function at work anymore. So I had to take a medical leave.
I'm so sorry, you're unable to take a leave. You know, it isn't fair that mental health is stigmatized. Mental AND physical health are both equal in importance and keep us balanced! If either one isn't functioning properly, we will not feel well.
I fought hard to not take a leave and worked with my therapist to understand that me leaving due to mental health was not a bad thing. He tried hard to make me understand that I needed to view it no differently than if I had a physical condition.
I hope you keep this mind as you travel down your path of healing. Remember, everyday you work on coping with your anxiety and depression. Even if it seems like you're not getting anywhere, you ARE! You are AWARE and just by being here on this online community, trying to connect with others who are on this same path is getting help! Your post alone indicates that you are thinking about how to cope and are self aware of your thoughts and feelings.
I also don't have many friends - my personality isn't one that makes me very social. So my support system is very small.
There are many people who can't relate to our struggle. I think it's OK if they don't get it, but they need to at least know you are in pain and be kind and supportive knowing that you need the help. Can they at least recognize that you are in pain and need help? Even if they can't relate to that pain? If not, then I am sorry - there are many people who don't get it - but so many people that DO!! You just don't have access to those people right now.
How can we get you to connect to those folks who walk down your same path - you found one - this community! Now what else?
Also, do you see a therapist? I hope so! It is incredibly helpful. Finding a therapist is also a journey. It can take time to find the right one.
Though I've struggled with anxiety all my life, my journey to HEALING began about 15 years ago after the birth of my 1st child. It's been rocky road and I've fallen so many times. Each fall, HURTS. And it's a struggle to pick myself up to keep walking down the path of healing.
You too are NOT alone, Lonely. There are many of us on this path. So many us travel this path, we just don't see each other. The pain and the struggle is REAL!
There is no shame in our struggle. We are human! We all suffer and struggle in one way or another. Life isn't built to be easy and we aren't built to not feel pain. Life is hard and as humans we HURT, no matter who we are.
I'm here to HEAR you Lonely, whenever you want to write. Your sharing CONTRIBUTES to all of that walk this path. Others will read your words and will relate. I hope you consider joining other groups in your area.
I hope that if works gets to be too much, you will consider taking a leave. I hope that you grow stronger one day at a time.
I'm here too. Until the next time, Lonely, I am here.
Reading your post resonated so much with me, because I have the same struggles. I've tried your whole list myself, meditation, exercise, talking to friends or peers medication but it doesn't make it go away 100percent.
One thing I've come to terms with, is that I'll always have anxiety. It's something as humans we have, but unfortunately some of us have it more than others to where we can't live 'normal' lives. Just accepting that this is how I am, helps to come to terms with it and then I make sure to have affirmations: It's ok, everyone goes through something like this at one point in their lives, it's ok I'm not alone a lot of people go through this, I can tackle to 'monster' its not impossible, I have a support group (friends, family, online support etc.) I can take my medication if things get too bad.
Have any anxiety medications worked for you? Do you have a psychiatrist that you are working with? Its ok to be honest with doctors and tell them what is and isn't working, you can try a different med or stop one that isn't doing it for you.
I have an awesome therapist who is supportive, who 'gets it' who doesn't judge or stigmatize or get impatient with me, and she's been my biggest help in all this. She gives me hope and brings me back to 'reality' because most of the time, going through an attack takes away any positive thoughts or hopes. CBT therapy has helped but for me it's helped mostly for my depression. What has helped me the most is knowing which med's work, and keeping my mind busy. Whether its chores or doing something like gardening (for me its walks at the park making sure I'm aware and appreciating my surroundings, being in the moment versus ruminating on negative/catastrophic thoughts)
It'll get better, you just have to work at it force yourself out of bed take a shower, make a plan for the day and execute it as best as you can, give yourself projects like cleaning out your closet or your drawers or going to the library to pick out a book to read.
We are here for you to support and give any advice if you'd like
Moon Dreaming! Hello and thank you kindly for reaching out. I appreciate it so much!
I have also radically accepted that anxiety is my constant companion. I'll never make it go away so the new game plan is learn to POSITIVELY cope with it. It's been mostly negative coping until this very severe episode.
I had a therapist and have recently decided to switch to a new one. I'm hoping for new way to cope since she uses mindfulness in her treatment plan.
I am on the hunt for a new psychiatrist.
I was put on medication when my episode began, but they only made my symptoms worse. I felt much better after I stopped taking them - SSRI's don't work for me. Now that I know that, I know to stay away from them. The medication journey has been difficult and frustrating - I hate the guesswork and trial and error of it all. I just want to relief - NOW! I know it's a process, but I'm so impatient. I just want things to work!
Since being off work, I am home alone alot. When I'm alone, those toxic thoughts start creeping in. Though I have a good support group in place, during the week, everyone works. So I'm left to try self soothe - which is difficult when I am my worst enemy. I don't know how to face myself alone. How does the positive me deal w/ the much more powerful negative me?
Tell me, have you been thru a severe anxiety episode before? I've had episodes, not often, but they happen. This most recent was the worst ever. It was scary and so painful. Now that the anxiety has leveled off and I feel a bit better, what's the next step? My thoughts still haunt me and my fear beats me down day after day. I live in a world a fear.
I try to keep myself busy, but at times, I get very restless b/c my anxiety gives me a burst of energy - but it doesn't feel good. I can't sit or stand still or do any kind of activity that requires me not moving. I'll throw myself into cleaning or walking outside - sometimes it helps, other times, I can run from that terrible energy. It's like I'm running from a killer and I can run fast enough. Like in a scary movie.
It sounds like you've been on your healing journey for awhile and have figured out things that work and don't work for you - CHEERS to your successes on this most difficult journey.
It's good to hear that it's possible to get better.
I hope to hear from you again, Moon. Your response allowed me to write this reply and ground myself a bit.
Yeah I've had pretty bad episodes, to where it turns into some kind of mania. It builds up, and the only way I can describe it is as a tea kettle boiling over except if keeps spouting out. For me it's crying and crying and laying in bed freaking out. I have a 'Squishable' that's a decent size and I grab that and hug it tight until I fall asleep. After going to sleep, I feel 'better' but the fear is still there.
Med's are tricky because everyone is different. It's a journey but it's one that is worth going through so if one doesn't work for you (or if several don't work) don't give up. Keep talking to your doctor/psychiatrist to find something that works for you.
I hear you on not being able to work, I've been thinking about trying to go on a medical leave when my anxiety gets bad but I don't know how to do that so I just take my meds before work and push through. Once I'm at work, and things are ok, I feel better and actually feel grateful that I'm at work because being at home just thinking and ruminating on the things that give me anxiety isn't helping fix it.
You gotta 'snip it in the bud' sort to speak. When a bad thought happens, be aware of if, acknowledge it, and talk yourself out of it. One of my therapists told me that I catastrophize and I agree, I always think the worse is going to happen and I don't have actual proof that it will. If you feel that you can't sit still, that's the perfect time to go jog. If you can't get up to go jog do a chore. The point is to re-direct your thoughts to more 'normal' pathway (instead of thinking "my boss is going to fire me when I go to work" think, "I don't have proof that will happen" and get up, take a shower or grab your dirty laundry and do the best darn' laundry you've ever done lol)
I learned along the way of my journey that by re-directing the bad thoughts, that eventually it becomes automatic and I get less anxiety. Doesn't go away, it's just less and more manageable. Exercise for me has been a great way to help with my mental health, also hobbies like painting or puzzles or those 'word search' books you can buy at the dollar store.
It sucks, I've been there but I know that it gets better, you just have to work at it and find your 'groove'
I hope you had a decent day, I'm always around to talk if you need that, just shoot a message to me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Yesterday was a tough day. I ended up feeling better by the evening, but the day itself was rough.
I needed to go on medical leave b/c I just couldn't function at work anymore. The meds I was on at that time aggravated my symptoms and made things worse. I didn't know it at the time, of course.
I was referred to a 2 week partial program for anxiety at the hospital and finally left for leave when I was given a start date for that program since it required we be there for 2 weeks 5 hours per day.
My docs gave me the full 12 weeks of leave in order to go to program and give me to time to heal. I loved the program and got alot out of it. That's where they took me off the meds (which reduced my symptoms immediately). And since it was in a group setting, I was finally able to relate to to other people who were in just as much pain as I was at the very same moment I was in pain. It helped alleviate my feelings of isolation.
But once that program was over, I had all this time ahead of me w/out work and an empty house during the week. Not having that structured program meant that I had to create my own structure. Yes, I had appointments every week with various doctors that though they specialize in different things, all are trying to help me w/ my anxiety.
Now, I'm 2 months into my leave. My friends tell me to enjoy it, but I can't "enjoy" it. It's not an enjoyable experience. They said to rest and relax, I can't do that. I feel this need to constantly work on myself. But that means, either going to appointments, reading stuff from my partial program or online or actively THINKING about anxiety and how to cope with it, like at every moment of the day.
I notice that w/out work to distract me, it leads to countless hours of the day telling myself that if I'm not working on dealing with my anxiety, then I'm not spending my time wisely. So I get caught up in beating myself up b/c I've not done enough with my days.
I know that's silly, part of coping with my issues is not to guilt or shame myself about it. That's like a big rule all of us know - to be kind to ourselves and talk to ourselves as we would talk to a friend. But not me, I beat myself up day after day b/c I feel like I'm not doing enough.
It's hard NOT to be at work, but yet, I DREAD going back. I feel so afraid that my brain will betray me yet again and send spiraling out of control again. It feels like I'll never go back to my normal ever again.
And then I say, but maybe that's OK. My previous "normal" wasn't that healthy anway - but at least she lived with alot less fear. Not this new me - this one is terrified - of HERSELF.
I think you have to start cutting those thoughts right at the start. Once a thought about (anything that causes you anxiety) happens, stop tell yourself you are ok right now, get up and do chores or go run put your earphones on and focus on the music. Its about re-programming your thoughts. CBT will talk about that and it is helpful.
Instead of thinking the worse think, ill be ok. Dont allow your mind to focus on catastrophic thoughts because that's when you spiral and go into an attack.
I understand about going on leave to do the retreat, take the things that benefited you and keep doing them.
Right, I gotta catch those pesky thoughts once they start forming. At times I can do that bring myself back to reality. It's a work in progress.
I caught myself ruminating again earlier today. I caved and took a med to bring back to base level - I just didn't want to struggle again. Even so, I tried to keep my thoughts in check.
You're right, mindfulness is important. What's real and right in front me at the moment. Live there and not in some invented future.
I never thought of myself as catastrophizing, but you're right. It's where I go. I'll have to keep that in mind moving forward.
Thank you!
I just hope and pray you can get through this. Might be helpful to join some kind of group or play some kind of sport to try to socialize. I know it can be awkward. I’m rather introverted, it takes me awhile to be comfortable around other people.
I'm introverted as well. My therapist suggested a group activity and I automatically turned the idea down b/c she suggested groups that didn't have anything to do w/ my condition, but now that you say, I get where it makes sense. It doesn't just have to be about my anxiety all the time.
You are not alone friend. My thoughts are with you, wishing you strength and peace today. I have lifelong anxiety and depression, and am having a particularly challenging day of anxiety and panic. I work from home, and feel ashamed to talk about the anxiety and depression with friends or family. I have been finding it difficult leaving the house the last few years and feel ashamed I'm not trying hard enough. Since menopause started the anxiety and depression have been worse and I've experienced significant weight gain. I'm so embarrassed for my husband to have to be seen with me. I take satisfaction in keeping a clean house and raising healthy beautiful houseplants . My husband and I have loved boating our entire lives, and we finally bought a house on the water with a dock and a pontoon. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself I will not allow my husband to have friends over or meet up with friends out on the boat. I feel terrible guilt that I'm keeping my husband from living his best life.
Choking!! Thank you so much for reaching out!! Your pain hits me in the gut! I am so terribly sorry that your journey has been rough lately.
I hear alot of guilt and shame - I'm here to reinforce what you already know - anxiety is making you feel those things. It whispers terrible things to us. Tells us we're not worthy and other such negative things.
You ARE trying. I know it seems like you're not. Like every waking moment should be spent on trying to figure out the issues. I'm doing that right now, and it's a hamster wheel of torture. I SHOULD be trying to spend every moment trying to work on myself, but then all it does is keep me anxious.
I'm sorry you struggle to talk to somebody about your A & D. Friends and family can surprise you and be so supportive. In the earlier days of my healing journey, I too kept it to myself. But this particular episode I knew I couldn't make it on my own. I needed to hear other voices, I needed feed back - it was too scary to be by myself this time.
But since I was in severe mode, I couldn't hold back and I told anyone that would listen about what was going on w/ me. I was so scared, I couldn't help myself. Even though I regret my knee jerk reaction to my big mouth, I did discover that even though people don't suffer w/ anxiety or depression as a disorder, they do suffer from a version of it in one way other another. They shared their personal stories of little things that may have caused them some sadness or anxiety and others shared had full blown episodes - some still working thru it.
It many ways, it made me realize that there are so many of out there, and so many of that won't share. I get it, sharing is hard. But it amazed me how many people had something to contribute.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is hard, but it can so helpful. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your A & D are very real and very relatable. I hope you consider gathering some strength to allow yourself tell somebody - one trusted friend or family member. Someone who you know cares and won't reject or judge you? I know how terribly difficult it is - exposing yourself, revealing yourself. If you can get thru that and allow yourself the opportunity to let yourself be seen, it may benefit you greatly. There's no need to carry this burden by yourself. You deserve to be seen and heard.
Imagine if someone you know decided to tell you about their crippling A & D. What would you say? Wouldn't it be of great relief to them to know that you also walk this path? Your experience would provide that person with relief and alleviate that crushing isolation one feels when A & D control our thoughts.
How about telehealth appointments instead of in person? Many therapists provide the service and psychiatrists seem to prefer it (if you needed med management).
I've seen my previous therapist thru zoom for about year. I just switched and am on medical leave so I do appointments in person as a personal preference. But she was willing to provide zoom. And once I go back to work (I'm on medical leave at the moment), we'll have to switch to zoom. It's a nice option if you can't leave your house right now.
I'm wondering, can you leave the house in short bursts? Perhaps a walk around your neighborhood. You said you love plants (so do I! My house is filled w/ plants. I think my family will kill me if I bring home another) - is it possible to go outside and do some gardening? When I can't leave my house, I go outside and plant things, or replant things, or pull out weeds or check to see how my various things are blooming. Or sometimes just sit there if sun is out, scroll thru my phone or read a book.
It looks like your life is in a new chapter now that you're living on the water w/ a boat!! How fantastic! Congrats. What a wonderful milestone to achieve. Now, how can we get you to get out there an enjoy what you've earned and created??
I get it though, I also have worked hard to get my house to a point of comfort and fill it w/ things that make me happy and remind me of travels w/ friends and family. I don't feel that joy as much I used. Anxiety robs us of such wonderful feelings, doesn't it?? It casts a shadow over what we know to be good.
I know menopause can complicate things - I'm not there quite yet, but I'm getting close. I hope that you consider working with you obgyn to see if there's a way you can manage those symptoms so that they don't aggravate your anxious symptoms. When does one symptom and begin and other one end? That's alot to FEEL, no?
I don't want you to isolate. It's so CRUSHING.
Baby steps, perhaps? Please consider zoom appointments w/a therapist. So that you can start talking and sharing. Consider one conversation w/ a trusted friend or family member where you allow yourself to share your journey - and it is just that - a journey- not a curse, not a nightmare, not a monster in the dark -it's your journey and it's painful and you deserve to get help to heal. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
Will we always suffer w/ A & D? Yes, but what can we do so that we control it and it does not control us? I'm here on this path you, Choking. You can see me, but I'm out there - so many of us are.
Sorry, I wrote a novel didn't I? That's my big mouth still in motion not being able to stop myself. You should here me in therapy - I can't shut up!
Hope to hear from you again. Sending positive energy your way.
I've been there and I'm still there. I've had two really terrible panic attacks. That I'm still trying to get over the trauma of. I know the affirmations and the mantras. I repeat to myself I am not my anxiety and thoughts are just thoughts and they can't hurt you. I try really hard to dismiss these thoughts. And engage with life. But it is so hard to retrain your brain from a traumatic episode. It's not easy. But I'm working on it. Sometimes it helps I've gotten to a point now where I can take my medication without my fiance being in the room because I used to be afraid of what would happen if I'm alone and something happens. I have to get comfortable with the idea that hey if something happens then it happens. That's just it. And just focus on the hearing now. I would really like to get in on a study of magic mushrooms or at least the microdosing to help with anxiety. But I don't think there's any such study going on where I live. I spend sometimes my day dreaming about winning the lottery. And going to a place where I can actually get in on these things. I feel like my life will be last anxiety if I had the money.
CL! I know what you mean. I also think about having lots of money so that I don't have to stress about so many things and just be able to focus on my anxiety. Everyday keeps going no matter how much pain we're in. Life just keeps cranking and we never get a chance to breathe.
I like your coping mechanisms - trying to stay in the moment. Accepting what's in front you and working with that. I think that's a healthy approach. Mindfulness makes so much sense. I try to practice, but is it HARD. It's automatic for my brain to start a hurricane of anxious thoughts. I don't even think about it - I just myself be swept away into the storm.
At times I succeed in talking myself away from the darkness by telling myself that at this very moment I AM OK. - right here and now. My successes at this are a very slim list. But when somebody (like yourself) reminds me, it's a great reinforcement.
I hope your day is going well. Thanks so much for reaching out. Sending good vibes your way. Be well.
Glad to be of service. It's kind of rare these days because of my anxiety. I like to be helpful.
Yeah I day dream about having lots of money. Then I can take care of problems like my mom's house. Fix that. Move my grandma back home and my sister IG so they don't have to be alone. My fiancé and I would get our own place. Then I can look for the best doctors to help me out with anxiety. Have a personal therapist and coach. Don't have to worry about co pays or out of pocket.
Yeah mindfulness is kind of hard. You can't beat yourself up when your mind drifts alway. I do it all the time 😂I think about video games and strategy or made up scenarios that only hurt myself 😅
I'm trying to be okay if I'm honest with you. I'm dealing with a rash that nobody knows what it is. Wishing you well and hope you had a beautiful day
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! my husband just switched his schedule from nights to days but when he was working nights some nights were really bad for me. thats part of the reason im on this site myself. i dont have a lot of good support from friends or family. and i dont like talking to people who dont really understand what im dealing with. i feel alone constantly. even when my husband is around sometimes. and thats just because he doesnt entirely get what i go through. he listens when i do need to talk sometimes but i tend to keep a lot to myself. but thats not good for me either. i dont like to feel like im overwhelming people by speaking whats really on my mind. because people who dont go through it dont really get it. i feel guilty for needing things. but the truth is i need someone who can be someone who is constantly there for me. i used to have relationships where we would see each other all the time or talk all throughout the day (even if it wasnt entirely consistent) but i had someone to talk to and to help me feel loved. and i dont have that anymore. i have lost a lot of people and i dont even really understand why with a lot of them. the truth is its not good for people to be alone. and its okay to need company and communication. sometimes it can just be hard trying to find the right type of company and communication. im glad to hear you are doing things to try to help yourself and to try to help get you out of the funk. its not always easy but whats most important is that you are trying. <3
Butterfly! Thank you so much for reaching out! You're right, we DO need to talk things out w/ someone. I'm glad your husband is there to listen. Mine is too, and like yours he doesn't entirely understand. Sometimes, he doesn't know what to say. He encourages me, but at times can't cut thru that hurricane of bad thoughts that engulf me.
I lucked out and I have nurses and therapists in my friend group so they get it - and have provided me w/ alot of insight since this most recent episode began. However, there's something about commiserating with other people that are in pain at the same moment you are. I did a 2 week program at the hospital in a group setting. All of us were in crisis when we walked in there. I could feel their pain as they shared their stories.
It was a unique feeling to find others who were sharing the moment. It made me feel so much better. But I know once I left that program that the real work would begin. Out there alone, just me anxious thoughts and feelings. It's been a painful journey coming back from that. I'm not really fully back yet. I have yet to discover joy the way I once I had it. I'm only now just beginning to laugh again. I hadn't laughed or smiled in months. I'm just now getting my appetite back - I lost 20 lbs in a couple of months. I'm just now learning how to relax and let myself just be - in shorts bursts cuz I still have trouble just relaxing.
There's still so much I have yet to get back.
I'm wondering, Butterfly, if you may be pulling back due to your A & D? Is it possible that you've isolated a bit? Just wondering, trying to see why some people aren't around you anymore.
I get why you only want to talk to others that can relate. It seems like they know how to cut into our thoughts an shed a ray of light. How about a therapist? Do you have one? It can be so helpful.
Guilt is anxiety whispering it's horseSh!t in our ears. Don't feel guilty for needing help. We're human, we can't make it thru life w/out help along the way. We aren't built to be alone. We're built to be in groups. It's in our nature. Don't feel guilt over something that's part of our genetics. We all need each other.
I feel guilt at times when I burden my friends w/ my incessant rants about anxiety and it makes me talk ALOT - i think b/c I'm desperate for answers and want relief NOW! They tell me it's OK to lean on them, that is a period of time where I need extra support. I know that if they were in crisis I would hope to be available enough for them to lean on me whenever they needed it.
Here's hoping your having a good day. Hope to hear from you again. Sending positive vibes your way!
Im so glad to hear you have good people in your life who can support you! I know that definitely makes a huge difference but youre right too that the real work definitely comes in the alone times.
Part of why people aren't around is because of myself yes. Especially the last couple of years. When i was in high school i didn't have many friends. I had a couple of close friends (which i dont need many) but when i turned 18 i got married to my first husband and that happened a lot because of my dad and because i was a hopeless romantic and thats a long complicated story all in itself. but basically i didnt have good support at home as far as getting a start on my life and adulting and i wanted to move out. and apparently "God told my dad" that i was pregnant before i even knew and he married us to "cover my sin" as far as friends i had a couple close friends in middle school but in high school we just grew apart for some reason. i would still even message them years after just to let them know i was thinking about them because i never stopped caring. but there was never much of a response back. then in high school i had a couple close friends but after me getting my GED and getting married and being pregnant at 18 I was living my own life and a couple months after I got married thats when the mental abuse started. he was cheating, and i also couldnt be happy because he wasnt happy or i couldnt have a bad day because his was worse. and he used to lie and blame me for everything. call me names like lazy. and i was with him for 3 years. my oldest daughter was an unplanned pregancy. i had preterm labor with her and she was only 1lb 11oz. and my other 2 basically came from rape. my ex husband used to even say "im gunna rape you" and my mom pushed me away because after things went bad and i had my daughter i would go to her house and i would vent to her because i didnt have anyone else in my life really. and she told me once that she didnt want to see me because she couldnt stand hearing me complain about my marriage. so i stopped talking to her for a couple weeks. even when we were talking though i was always the one making the effort. then i felt even more like crap and worthless than i did with everything my ex was putting me through. after years of bullcrap and inconsistency with money and where we were living i ended up in a homeless shelter and almost lost my kids because of my relationship with him. i had moved out of state and didnt tell my parents how bad things had gotten until they were super bad (by that point i had already gotten the feeling like the little stuff was too much so why tell them what else was going on) but they came through then helped me move back home so i could get my kids and things got worse with my ex and my dad made my anxiety worse by teaching me to shoot a gun to protect myself because "you never know what people can do" and he used to talk so much crap about him which somehow made me feel worse about myself. but my parents were super hard on me. and i was dealing with so much anxiety and depression and i struggled with a lot of depression through my marriage (i used to even cut myself) and my dad doesnt believe in anxiety and depression. and because of my anxiety i had a hard time doing things like finding a place to live. they talked crap about me as a parent and i never did anything good enough in their eyes. they used to say things like "if you dont find a place soon, youre going to be homeless" it used to hurt me so bad because im my head all i could think was "nice to know you care that your grandkids would be homeless" like i didnt even care about myself. one of my friends that i was close with in highschool offered to help me out by babysitting while i worked (my mom wouldnt help without there being an issue or her complaining) and she wanted to get paid and i had to set things up by the state and i did but they didnt pay her until a couple weeks after she started babysitting so she told me she didnt want to anymore and acted like i didnt do what i had to. basically i got into bad relationships, dealt with a lot of emotional stress from everyone that i thought was supposed to love and help me, all while growing up, trying to get my life together while taking care of three other little lives that i created. and i was let down by everyone. like sometimes i wonder why they expected so much from me. i was struggling so hard and sometimes i wonder like what? should i have just acted completely crazy? or should i have just killed myself like i sometimes so badly felt just so they could see how hard things were. i understand that it can be stressful for other people to deal with things that isnt there's to deal with. but i dont understand how people can just emotionally kick people when they are down. its not like i was ever a bitch about things. i did the best that i possibly could. i ended up smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking alcohol quite often. after i moved out of my parents house i had friends over all the time but because i would offer rides and pay for alcohol and weed or even cigs. i was the giver and everyone enjoyed taking. i met my current husband at work and the beginning of our relationship started in not a great way but we fell in love and i felt okay with marrying him (which to me was huge especially after my divorce and my trust issues that had come up because of so many people and situations in my life) and i decided to go for it and when i told my dad and asked him if there was anything i should think about before making the decision he was so nasty to me and talking about things like "red flags" even though he didnt even mention anything specific or that had to do with my current husband. and needless to say none of my family came to my wedding. and the week before my wedding my dad had told my sister that my (about to be husband) wasnt allowed at their house (my sister was living with them) and basically my dad wasnt going to tell me even though we were about to go to their house for my sisters baby shower. and i went off on my sister about it and then apparently the day before the babyshower my dad changed his mind but it has been really hard and awkward for my husband, and myself, and difficult on our marriage and especially with my relationship now with my family. im barely around because i spend my time working and spending time trying to heal and better myself and my marriage and my kids lives and it all takes a lot of energy. and when i am around my family someone always has something negative to say. my older sister gets it and we finally started to get close this year. and im still working on not totally isolating myself. its just hard for me to trust people. but i have my husband and a couple of my husbands friends who live out of state that we play video games with all the time. and i have a friend at work that i have known for years but a couple months ago i worked up the courage to invite her over and we've hung out once and are hanging out again next week actually. and other people at work that i talk to and are like family because ive also known them for years. but i usually dont talk to most of them outside of work. so im working on building more relationships. its been hard too because i stopped all the smoking and drinking. ive lived in the same place for over 2 years now and my relationship and everything has been the most consistent and stable than ive had in a long time and my dad has been to my house once and all he does is complain about my dog (he barks a lot) and my mom has been over like 2 times. same with my sisters. and ive not really had friends over. its just hard because when things were bad i didnt have anyone and now things are good and i dont really have that many people but i also dont want people in my life who cant be there when things are bad. but i am trying. and because of how my family is it makes it hard for me to be proud of all the things i have done and all the things that are better because im always just thinking about how things could and "need" to be better. its a constant mental fight i have to have with myself a lot to get through the day sometimes. i even got rid of facebook which has helped because i would just constantly compared myself to other people and although it kept me connected to people it also wasnt the type of connection that i have actually needed. and sorry, that was a lot. i have been through a lot and i can talk alot
😅 but thanks for listening. A lot of this was painful to re think about but its good to talk about it and get it out especially since i have felt like for a long time ive had to keep so much of it in and to myself
Choking!! Thank you so much for reaching out!! Your pain hits me in the gut! I am so terribly sorry that your journey has been rough lately.
I hear alot of guilt and shame - I'm here to reinforce what you already know - anxiety is making you feel those things. It whispers terrible things to us. Tells us we're not worthy and other such negative things.
You ARE trying. I know it seems like you're not. Like every waking moment should be spent on trying to figure out the issues. I'm doing that right now, and it's a hamster wheel of torture. I SHOULD be trying to spend every moment trying to work on myself, but then all it does is keep me anxious.
I'm sorry you struggle to talk to somebody about your A & D. Friends and family can surprise you and be so supportive. In the earlier days of my healing journey, I too kept it to myself. But this particular episode I knew I couldn't make it on my own. I needed to hear other voices, I needed feed back - it was too scary to be by myself this time.
But since I was in severe mode, I couldn't hold back and I told anyone that would listen about what was going on w/ me. I was so scared, I couldn't help myself. Even though I regret my knee jerk reaction to my big mouth, I did discover that even though people don't suffer w/ anxiety or depression as a disorder, they do suffer from a version of it in one way other another. They shared their personal stories of little things that may have caused them some sadness or anxiety and others shared had full blown episodes - some still working thru it.
It many ways, it made me realize that there are so many of out there, and so many of that won't share. I get it, sharing is hard. But it amazed me how many people had something to contribute.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is hard, but it can so helpful. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your A & D are very real and very relatable. I hope you consider gathering some strength to allow yourself tell somebody - one trusted friend or family member. Someone who you know cares and won't reject or judge you? I know how terribly difficult it is - exposing yourself, revealing yourself. If you can get thru that and allow yourself the opportunity to let yourself be seen, it may benefit you greatly. There's no need to carry this burden by yourself. You deserve to be seen and heard.
Imagine if someone you know decided to tell you about their crippling A & D. What would you say? Wouldn't it be of great relief to them to know that you also walk this path? Your experience would provide that person with relief and alleviate that crushing isolation one feels when A & D control our thoughts.
How about telehealth appointments instead of in person? Many therapists provide the service and psychiatrists seem to prefer it (if you needed med management).
I've seen my previous therapist thru zoom for about year. I just switched and am on medical leave so I do appointments in person as a personal preference. But she was willing to provide zoom. And once I go back to work (I'm on medical leave at the moment), we'll have to switch to zoom. It's a nice option if you can't leave your house right now.
I'm wondering, can you leave the house in short bursts? Perhaps a walk around your neighborhood. You said you love plants (so do I! My house is filled w/ plants. I think my family will kill me if I bring home another) - is it possible to go outside and do some gardening? When I can't leave my house, I go outside and plant things, or replant things, or pull out weeds or check to see how my various things are blooming. Or sometimes just sit there if sun is out, scroll thru my phone or read a book.
It looks like your life is in a new chapter now that you're living on the water w/ a boat!! How fantastic! Congrats. What a wonderful milestone to achieve. Now, how can we get you to get out there an enjoy what you've earned and created??
I get it though, I also have worked hard to get my house to a point of comfort and fill it w/ things that make me happy and remind me of travels w/ friends and family. I don't feel that joy as much I used. Anxiety robs us of such wonderful feelings, doesn't it?? It casts a shadow over what we know to be good.
I know menopause can complicate things - I'm not there quite yet, but I'm getting close. I hope that you consider working with you obgyn to see if there's a way you can manage those symptoms so that they don't aggravate your anxious symptoms. When does one symptom and begin and other one end? That's alot to FEEL, no?
I don't want you to isolate. It's so CRUSHING.
Baby steps, perhaps? Please consider zoom appointments w/a therapist. So that you can start talking and sharing. Consider one conversation w/ a trusted friend or family member where you allow yourself to share your journey - and it is just that - a journey- not a curse, not a nightmare, not a monster in the dark -it's your journey and it's painful and you deserve to get help to heal. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
Will we always suffer w/ A & D? Yes, but what can we do so that we control it and it does not control us? I'm here on this path you, Choking. You can see me, but I'm out there - so many of us are.
Sorry, I wrote a novel didn't I? That's my big mouth still in motion not being able to stop myself. You should here me in therapy - I can't shut up!
Hope to hear from you again. Sending positive energy your way.
It is SO hard. There are no pills or treatments that just make it go away. It's an illness that we have to internally work on. That's the treatment - self care. I hate it. I hate having to rely on myself for care. I am my worst enemy at the moment. My brain betrays me day after day. The anxiety just keeps talking and brain can't shut it up. I'm tired of it. Tired of not find the joy I had once before the simplest of things.
Walking the sunshine and being able to feel the warmth. Talking to my friends and not being able to feel the love. Hugging my dog b/c I'm hanging on to him for dear life instead of laughing and appreciating how cute he is.
Anxiety has crushed my joy and it's up to me to get back. No one else can do that for me. There is no magic cure that will just make the anxiety stop. So that I can back to life.
It's a scary thing.
I hope your having a good day. I hope to hear from you again. Sending good vibes.
I recently had my anxiety and other stuff flare up I don’t understand why. I’m currently unemployed can barely even leave my house always worried I’m dying. They did find out that I’m majorly vitamin d deficient. When I had covid it stressed me out pretty bad back in February and I think that had something to do with the flare up besides quoting my job and finances I’m trying too hard to get better because I hate not being myself and I know it’s effecting my girlfriend. Im also back in therapy every week but hate that it’s virtual because it doesn’t force me out of the house.
I'm on my 5th month of anxiety and speak with a therapist recently for the 2nd time. I have made some progress I couldn't go into a store to buy groceries this week I did. My problem now is my Dr. Won't give me my anxiety meds said I need to find a psychiatrist. None available they are all booked up with long waiting lists. I am almost out of meds and do t know what I am going to do My therapist cannot prescribe meds. She told me to go back to my Dr. And try to get her to get me refills. If she won't go to the Medi Clinic in my area. I'm stressing about that now. I'm a worry wart and so negative. Any suggestions as what you would handle the situation ?
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Acute episode of anxiety
Anxiety Taking Over My Life
Coparenting for a high anxiety child. 
So much anxiety making sure my cats get over moving anxiety 
Up's and down's with anxiety issues and trying to find a better way
