Nightmares of dad again. The hell of the uncounscious

[Against_the_current]

Everything that happens to me burns my brain. Espessially when girls here(unimates and roommates) tell me to not think of trauma but just dress up and stuff. I can't. I had a nightmare of dad mocking me for buying a lipstick. I had a nightmare it was 8th of march and he was just mocking me and mom and sis. He's really misoginistic, my friend said his new wife looks like a boy. It burned my brain seeing that boy pregnant. Like i saw my step-brother pregnant not stepmother. Meanwhile my mother is going insane because she thinks dad left her because she was "old, ugly and fat". I'm scared she might develop an eating disorder or something. She doesn't listen to me complimenting her and talking to her. Actually she doesn't listen to what other people are saying. And dad's misoginistic and probably hidden gay. He's homophobic tho. Meanwhile my sister dresses in male Oversized clothes. My roommate lectured me on being positive and sparkling Pink and glitter. I went to my room and Ended up looking like a live action my little pony character. Fluttershy is relateable tho. My roommates and unimates have no idea how i can't look like them because i was taught it was a bad thing and that i was never taught how to dress and take care of myself. I was taught it's a bad thing. I was mocked for it. Agh i should stop going to my psychoalanysist therapist because this parents gender uncounscious stuff messes my brain. Everything messes my brain. They don't even know how much of an effort is everything to me. I'm scared of everyone i live with. My mom and my roommates judge my anxiety and me being a burden, not cleaning good or not cleaning at all, not having a job. I can't sence If it's dirty or If i should get a job. I need things clear. And everything is hard for me. I had a nightmare of dad telling me to get a job. But how to get a job If i don't even know where i'm staying? Mom called me to tell me we're going to see granma on like 2nd april. Then Easter is like 20th April. Where should i stay. What should i do. I can't even buy food without panicing. Because of the war, People here are grumpy and a cashier was mean to me and i paniced so much (inside, i didn't show). I need to go on another planet alone untill i feel like myself again. Why can't nobody understands i have insane anxiety and depression and i can't just think positive? Things they do easily, take me insane efforts. I want to cry but i can't. Weirdly the more social anxious you are, the lonlier you feel. I need to be accepted for who i am and supported. If not, i need to separate myself in a cave or an island or another planet. I can't even greet my roommate when she comes home, i'm scared af, i just lock myself in my room with headphones so i make no sound. And i'm even more afraid of my parents. I'm scared of everyone. And at the same time lonely af. I feel insane

[TailWags]

Im sorry you are going through all this. Trying to send comforting thoughts. The world is in a tough spot making things worse for most people. I dont know what to say, but I do care about you and I know how I feel with depression and anxiety and how it makes so many things so much harder. And how some people just cant imagine what that is like. I dont know exactly how things feel to you, but I have my own version of it. You are not alone. Please take care. Do something nice for yourself.

[Against_the_current in reply to TailWags]

Thank you so much, you don't know how much i needed some supportive words and to know i'm not alone

[TrustYourSoul]

Question-- Here in the USA, there are good inpatient mental/behavioral health facilities. Every post you type is very negative and worrisome. If you are on medication, it isn't working. Are you able to walk into a mental health "hospital" and get the safe and important inpatient professional help you need? People on this website are as supportive as they can be, but their support doesn't seem to meet your needs because you have many things that trouble you based on your posts. It would be good to read something a little positive from you. There must be Something that is good in your life. 😊

You were created for a reason! You have a very special purpose. What do you enjoy? What are you good at? Everyone is really good at Something. You have talents and skills you were meant to use. What are those? 🤔

[Against_the_current in reply to TrustYourSoul]

I really wish here we had clinics like in the US. I really would voluntinary go there. But we don't. Here you go into a mental hospital only If you're dangerous and mental hospitals seem like horror movies. I was to the psychiatrist and he said that's the medication for me

[Against_the_current in reply to TrustYourSoul]

Here "go to the mental hospital" is an insult

[TrustYourSoul]

No insult was intended. Here (USA) it is Not an "insult" for someone to suggest that perhaps going to an inpatient behavioral health facility, with safety, good counselors, good in-person group support meetings and activities is a Good thing. I'm sorry that's not the case where you live.

Are there any in-person therapy/support groups near you? Your doctor would know. How about the support of attending a local church?

You didn't answer my question before. You are certainly good at some things. What are those things?

[TrustYourSoul]

For You.....

Hug for You 💜