I'm so defeated. I just want to surrender but the story countinues. My anxiety, depression and ocd make me act up. Or i'm done being stepted on. Or i'm through too much pain. Or everyone is mindless of the way they hurt others. Or the world is a mess, pandemic, war. How am i still alive? How am i living with so much pain? That only countinues. Someone told me "You're always suffering, there's always something". Yes and imagine how painful it is.
So the story not so vague, more specific. Yesterday i went to a new therapist. I was triggered from telling my story again and also had hard time getting back home with a panic attack. I called my dad because it's time to give me my Child support (since i'm living alone he gives it to me instead of mom. So i can live). When i called him he said he doesn't want to go to the post office or Bank to send them cause he doesn't like post office and banks. He said he will be traveling in my direction and will Come over and give me the Child support himself so he doesn't have to go to the post or Bank because he doesn't want to wait for his turn. But he said "WE are coming". And stepmother is coming too. This means the baby might be coming. It started crying on the phone dad left me and i almost got a heart attack. I rushed to the closer building and stayed in the bathroom untill i could get out of there. I'm really uncomfortable in Public bathrooms so you can imagine how unwell i was. When i got out it was late and there were no busses. I can't afford a taxi and i'm scared of taxi drivers since one here was getting girls for illegal cases and i'm ugly but i'm scared. So I walked like 3 killometres through the city feeling ready to faint at any moment. I got back and my head was spinning. My roommates were making a party. Yesterday were my two roommates and two other girls. (Today my 1 roommate and the girls, the other one who's taking care of us and leaving is out.) I wanted to make myself a sandwich but i couldn't because of the party and me feeling socially anxious and still destroyed from the introduction to the new therapist and the possibility of the baby coming here. My body reacted only by hearing it, what comes to seeing it. Also i came here to escape. I behave myself yesterday but today im dying. I asked my roommate to stay with me because dad's coming over. I asked for some support. But nobody gave a damn about me. They joked saying "don't kill the baby" and "it's just a baby, you're so mean". Everyone is telling me this. And it makes me worse. My roommate went out with them now. It's a morning and they acted like they're still partying. Terrible music, laughing, making out with each other, acting like i'm not there. They were so care less and insane happy that i said "You three share a brain cell". Two didn't even hear me but one did and was like "what have i done to you for you to be so mean". And started mocking me telling each other they have no brain cells and are mean and laughed. So happy. So not giving a damn about me. Like i'm part of the furniture. I'm a damn human too. I need someone to like me too. I need support. But Who cares i exist? I'm so insignificant. And then i'm the mean one. Even though i aplogized and explained i was jelaous. But again nobody gave me attention. I'm now worried whether my roommate knows i appologized or thinks i'm mean. They kept on joking about me and "don't kill anyone hahaha". And then wonder why i'm mean. I feel really bad and i want to apologize and explain. They don't even realise how they hurt me. I'm in a bad position because my violations are visible and their are subtile. And they're not sensetive enough to realise they're hurting me. They just judge me when i say i'm in pain. "How can you be so negative?". "How can you hate a baby?". Well, i'm mentally ill. Or i'm deep. I'm damn deep. They say "You're a psychology student, get your sht together" but actually psychology students are the hardest to cope because we are deep, my new therapist said it, psychologists are the hardest clients because they're deep. And i said they have 1 brain cell because they're not thinking so much like me and they can't understand the pain i'm through. It's easy to swim in the shallow. But once again who cares about double meaning? They now probably just think i'm mean. I know i should have stayed in my room but first i tried to get something to eat and second i was panicing and i needed some social support. I'm human too, i need some support, i'm alone all day. And i got only neglect and judging. Yeah, probably i'm the villain who hates babies and is mean to guests. But know my villain arc was created by a lot of pain. And that i feel so guilty. An INFP villain, this is rare
Good news still leaves me feeling lonely
