Villain's pov: I'm so defeated. I just... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Villain's pov

Against_the_current profile image

I'm so defeated. I just want to surrender but the story countinues. My anxiety, depression and ocd make me act up. Or i'm done being stepted on. Or i'm through too much pain. Or everyone is mindless of the way they hurt others. Or the world is a mess, pandemic, war. How am i still alive? How am i living with so much pain? That only countinues. Someone told me "You're always suffering, there's always something". Yes and imagine how painful it is.

So the story not so vague, more specific. Yesterday i went to a new therapist. I was triggered from telling my story again and also had hard time getting back home with a panic attack. I called my dad because it's time to give me my Child support (since i'm living alone he gives it to me instead of mom. So i can live). When i called him he said he doesn't want to go to the post office or Bank to send them cause he doesn't like post office and banks. He said he will be traveling in my direction and will Come over and give me the Child support himself so he doesn't have to go to the post or Bank because he doesn't want to wait for his turn. But he said "WE are coming". And stepmother is coming too. This means the baby might be coming. It started crying on the phone dad left me and i almost got a heart attack. I rushed to the closer building and stayed in the bathroom untill i could get out of there. I'm really uncomfortable in Public bathrooms so you can imagine how unwell i was. When i got out it was late and there were no busses. I can't afford a taxi and i'm scared of taxi drivers since one here was getting girls for illegal cases and i'm ugly but i'm scared. So I walked like 3 killometres through the city feeling ready to faint at any moment. I got back and my head was spinning. My roommates were making a party. Yesterday were my two roommates and two other girls. (Today my 1 roommate and the girls, the other one who's taking care of us and leaving is out.) I wanted to make myself a sandwich but i couldn't because of the party and me feeling socially anxious and still destroyed from the introduction to the new therapist and the possibility of the baby coming here. My body reacted only by hearing it, what comes to seeing it. Also i came here to escape. I behave myself yesterday but today im dying. I asked my roommate to stay with me because dad's coming over. I asked for some support. But nobody gave a damn about me. They joked saying "don't kill the baby" and "it's just a baby, you're so mean". Everyone is telling me this. And it makes me worse. My roommate went out with them now. It's a morning and they acted like they're still partying. Terrible music, laughing, making out with each other, acting like i'm not there. They were so care less and insane happy that i said "You three share a brain cell". Two didn't even hear me but one did and was like "what have i done to you for you to be so mean". And started mocking me telling each other they have no brain cells and are mean and laughed. So happy. So not giving a damn about me. Like i'm part of the furniture. I'm a damn human too. I need someone to like me too. I need support. But Who cares i exist? I'm so insignificant. And then i'm the mean one. Even though i aplogized and explained i was jelaous. But again nobody gave me attention. I'm now worried whether my roommate knows i appologized or thinks i'm mean. They kept on joking about me and "don't kill anyone hahaha". And then wonder why i'm mean. I feel really bad and i want to apologize and explain. They don't even realise how they hurt me. I'm in a bad position because my violations are visible and their are subtile. And they're not sensetive enough to realise they're hurting me. They just judge me when i say i'm in pain. "How can you be so negative?". "How can you hate a baby?". Well, i'm mentally ill. Or i'm deep. I'm damn deep. They say "You're a psychology student, get your sht together" but actually psychology students are the hardest to cope because we are deep, my new therapist said it, psychologists are the hardest clients because they're deep. And i said they have 1 brain cell because they're not thinking so much like me and they can't understand the pain i'm through. It's easy to swim in the shallow. But once again who cares about double meaning? They now probably just think i'm mean. I know i should have stayed in my room but first i tried to get something to eat and second i was panicing and i needed some social support. I'm human too, i need some support, i'm alone all day. And i got only neglect and judging. Yeah, probably i'm the villain who hates babies and is mean to guests. But know my villain arc was created by a lot of pain. And that i feel so guilty. An INFP villain, this is rare

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28 Replies

Hi. I can hear your pain, and I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing. I think sharing our deepest pains are so important for us. It helps us sort out our messy thoughts and feelings. You are not a villain. You are a human. You are a human who has been hurt and who is hurting.I'm wondering if you'd feel comfortable sharing this post with your new therapist. It might help to have a third party's view on everything. What do you think?

May you find the peace you desire.

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply to

Thank you so much for understanding. A really few do. Espessially the people around me like my family, roommates, their frs. They think i'm mean. While i'm actually just suffering. And i don't think my new therapist cares this much. Therapists here are really bad

Agamemnon2022 profile image
Agamemnon2022

Some people run 100 ft. deep. Some people run 3 miles deep. It is very difficult for those that thrive and prosper in shallow depths to realize some of us struggle greatly in such a restrictive delineated world. It is so brave of you to share your story. Sharing my story with a student getting certified with my counselor, flipped me from progress to backslide for about 10 days but I examined why, let myself feel the feelings and fought for 7 days to get out of it [3 days I wallowed in it]. Concentrate on not who you ARE but who you are going to BE.

Sit down. Make a list of what you want and expect from a friend.

BECOME everything on that list.

And you just might find a true friend during the journey.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES:

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I like this quote because it describes the eternal struggle between ourselves and the difficulty of forgiving oneself for our own mistakes in the past and moving forward. Something I struggle with.

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toAgamemnon2022

Beautifully said

Maia28 profile image
Maia28

Hi there, I'm sorry for what your feeling, if people around you cannot understand or see you differently than you know you are than maybe your in the wrong circle, i would try to make new friends for which understanding is a really important link beetwen people, try to do things which increase your self esteem, no one is ugly and everyone is beautiful to the right person....take care and reach out if you need to talk....

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toMaia28

Thank you. It's hard to find them and to change the people tho

Maia28 profile image
Maia28

True that however with todays media its worth a try... Ive recently made good friends via Bumble, or maybe change environment... the house... i know its difficult and to be honest nothing is simple but its not impossible either... i hope you`ll get in a better state one way or the other

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toMaia28

I just moved out of home a month ago because my mom was triggering my anxiety. And i had a lot of online friends and some of them made me more confused.

Maia28 profile image
Maia28 in reply toAgainst_the_current

I'm sorry it didnt work for you.... whenever I feel nothing works I try to see the little details which are good but hiden because of the bad things take over.... and force smiling ... and it works sometimes.. I would advice to make a list and try to write down the good parts in your life....

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toMaia28

I will try

Existing profile image
Existing

Ouch!

Existing profile image
Existing

I'm hearing that you lack social skills, and that you are very much carrying some painful things from the past. Like someone else suggested, take ownership of your life, and see what you can learn from what happens. I learned early on I needed to be there for myself, and that has made me strong. I had to learn how to be the friend I wanted. Learn to look at life as an adventure. Consider whats important to you and try to practice living by that. For me, that means I cannot afford to feel helpless in life. It will lead me to suicide (because I don't really appreciate the living experience) so its important for me to make my life worth living. That takes work and discovery. I too was a psych major. Use your depth to explore the world around you, and see what motivates you. I have, like the song says "amazing powers of observation", and have become very wise over the years. You just can't let yourself believe you are defeated. Learn how to be the best damn grownup you can be. don't let what you can't control control you. Take charge of your circumstances, even if it takes a long time. You will feel strong by the things you can conquer in this life. Good luck, and don't give up your therapist because you believe she's giving up on you. I finally found a good one, where most are not good here either. You can do this!

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toExisting

As you said "ouch". Espessially my depth is making it hard. Others do it with ease and i can't. A lot of work to do but as you said I can't give up

Existing profile image
Existing in reply toAgainst_the_current

I guess they removed the post I said ouch to.. it was pretty harsh, so I guess its good its gone, but no notice of it anywhere?

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toExisting

I don't quite understand. The reply is there but it's okay, i don't mind it, i agree

Existing profile image
Existing in reply toAgainst_the_current

The long one, not by me, that started with "how could you blame an innocent baby?" Somebody removed it - from my view anyway- cuz it was pretty harsh.Thats what prompted my "ouch" response.

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toExisting

Oh i understand now. And thank you. What they said was harsh you're right. Glad i didn't read it

in reply toExisting

It hasn't just disappeared from your view; it's gone. Sometimes the response is removed by the person and sometimes by admin. I've had responses removed as well (when I was here before under a different alias), as have other members. There's multiple reasons why admin removes a response; I think one of those is to maintain an atmosphere of support.

You're not a villain. You're the protagonist, you will definitely have a happy ending

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply to

Thank you!!!

in reply toAgainst_the_current

How are you today?

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply to

Thanks for asking, i'm better. You?

in reply toAgainst_the_current

Happy to hear. I'm okayy not very good but going to play football ⚽. Will surely get better after that

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply to

Good luck and If you need me, i'm here. Have a good game

in reply toAgainst_the_current

🤍

Hi Real Me, I’ve been off of here for awhile, just read your post and I’m familiar with some of the posts you’ve left on here in the past. I don’t see you as a villain or a baby at all. You’ve just got some stupid shallow idiots for roommates and you’re really going through some very rough crap with your family that would be very upsetting to anybody. Try this new therapist out at least 2 or 3 more times. If it still doesn’t seem to be a good fit then you have every right to try someone different. All I can think to say is take it one day at a time. I’m a 51 year old woman with bipolar disorder and my own life feels rather hellish right now. Do be careful walking around by yourself. I wish you well.💖

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply to

Thank you so much. I really needed this encouragement and understanding. I'm starting to think this therapist can't help me too, i'm so lost. Plus therapy in my country is on a really low level

in reply toAgainst_the_current

Try to give people a chance. There are good people out there. Don’t let twits bring you down!!!🙂

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