Hello, it’s been so long since the last time I posted something. The Covid pandemic has had me very down. I have had lots of ups and downs.
My relationship is almost over for my drinking problems. Last night I got to the point of literally kill myself when I was coming back home. I fell off on the street and I have lots of bruises on my hands but also on my nose, I don’t know if I broke it or not and I’m very scared of that. I am currently living in France and my bf lives in Ireland. I was gonna move there back in May but due the coronavirus I couldn’t and after that my bf and I started having lots of problems cos the distance and also because it passed 5 months to see each other again. We spent last month together but unfortunately I had to return to France.
The alcohol problem is becoming a huge problem because all the time I am drunk I’m a different person, I am mean with my bf and I say bad things to him. But all those bad things are the ones I have been saving on my mind for years. We talked this morning and he broke up with me, I don’t know if it serious or not because at the moment he is so angry with me. The thing is I feel so alone. And I have been feeling like this for months that the alcohol solves that. When I drink I don’t feel bad but obvs after the hungover is the worst, specially mentally it makes very anxious and depressed.
I have explained my bf this is no the life I want, I just want to settle down and start making a family with him but now he doesn’t believe me and he is not sure that he wants to be with me anymore. He says he doesn’t bother that I drink he only have been asking me to not get very hammer because I live alone at the moment and something can happen to me.
I have told him I’m really sorry, even tho this time I just saw myself on the mirror and I felt disgusted about myself for being in a such a bad state.
I want to save my relationship but probably my bf is not interested in me anymore. I feel so depressed. I miss my home in Ireland. And also I miss my family but they live far. Mom in mexico and sister and brother in Canada, so I cannot really count on anybody here in France because I have no many friends. I don’t know what to do but I’d love to die right now to stop with the suffering.
I feel very sad today, I hate Sundays. I don’t have a job at the moment. My laptop broke, I don’t even have a tv and I live in really small place. I feel very lockdown, I’ve explained to my bf that all that is making me get the alcohol thing, but he doesn’t understand me, he thinks I do it because I want to annoy him.
I hope someone can talk to me about this on this site