I'm so insignificant

[Against_the_current]

The classmate of a coisin of the roommate's boyfriend is more important than me. It's my home and i'm nobody. Nobody gives a damn about me. Nor my parents, nor "friends", nor guess, nor the idot who sweared he loved me and left me. "Nobody gives a flying damn " is constantly on repeat in my head. I want to cry but i can't. I just want someone to care about me. I was about to end myself and they were making out. As If i'm not a host but a houseplant. I asked to lower the music but nobody listened to me. I'm just nobody to everyone. I'm a human too and i need to be treated like a human. I need someone to care about me. So please If you're reading, for the sake of my damn ego....well it lost it's meaning If i'm begging for it like a homeless begging for a coin. And If someone cares about me, they're asleep (which i'm sorry to react in this way, i'm just in a lot of pain but i haven't forgotten you) 😭

[Opportunity]

I care! I am here! 😊

[Opportunity in reply to Opportunity]

And you matter! ☺️😇🎉🤗

[Against_the_current in reply to Opportunity]

Thank you so much 😭😭🤗

[Against_the_current in reply to Against_the_current]

What happened is spinning in my head 😭

[Against_the_current in reply to Against_the_current]

It's 4:30 am and i can't sleep, i close my eyes and i see them kissing. My brain will explode. I just need help

[Opportunity in reply to Against_the_current]

That sounds just terrible. I’m sorry you had to see that and it’s stuck in your mind. Is it still loud there? Is there anywhere you can go?

[Against_the_current in reply to Opportunity]

It's quiet now. I'm in my room all alone in a dead silence

[Opportunity in reply to Against_the_current]

Ok good the party stopped at least. That must have been rough.

[Against_the_current in reply to Opportunity]

The music is still replaying in my head as well as her perfume and the kissing. 😭

[hypercat54]

Is it your parents voice in your head telling you all this?

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

I'm not pretty sure but i think it's not. But it's connected with my parents not caring about little me probably

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Have a look at this as it might ring some bells.

choosingtherapy.com/childho...

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks.. I feel like i'm going insane

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Well you aren't! We will keep you grounded here, never fear. x

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much 😭

[Jamboys3]

Hello:)) I’ve just read some of your other posts.In my opinion you are still in depression. If your still on your antidepressants, they are definitely not working. You need a psychiatrist to advise you on this. But I do feel you need to change if you haven’t asked them directly.

My understanding is you’ve gone straight from school into university. You were worrying about that too whilst you were still unwell.

You need to be well to do this. It’s a massive change in your life…so be kind to yourself here…everyone who is well even faces these anxieties.

Your family breakup…again completely normal to feel anxious about this. Who wouidn’t?

These 2 problems alone are huge…no wonder you are struggling. Allow yourself this anxiety…it’s completely normal…whatever that is:))

Maybe university is too much for you at the moment? Take one problem at the time though. What’s THE most important thing here? Your education I say as a mum of 3 boys…one completed uni and one in uni…the other last year of school.

So…practically I think first…get yourself out of where you live. You need to live somewhere on your own. Is that possible? You have no control about how others live…it is their choice. You can not make them see your point of view…let alone when you’re unwell….because when you lose it…you have thoughts before of just how horrible they are, can’t they see Ill I am, etc. They can’t…they’re not unwell. Of course you’re going to erupt when you finally confront them. No one is at their best when they confront anyone in pure anger. As soon as you’ve done it…you then worry about what you’ve done and how they’re going to react the next day. Now your worrying and feeling guilty, anxious of the next day. You don’t need this chaos in your life right now. Even when I’m well and have reacted out of anger…completely justified and normal…I feel instant guilt.

Be kind to yourself lovely. Try and remove the practical stressors from your life…things you can control. Your accommodation and your medication you are in control of. Get both of them sorted first.

Just to say…I care. I’ve reached out. The works isn’t a bad place. Make those changes meds and accommodation. You’ll feel better about the world then.

[Against_the_current in reply to Jamboys3]

Oh no. I messed up then. I'm going home now. And i'm scared it's my meds and situation. I am not stable to change them, i was to the psychiatrist 3 weeks ago. And i'm not good nor home, nor here 😭And i already told everyone i'm going homr

[hypercat54 in reply to Jamboys3]

Great reply Jamboys3.

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Is it bad that it made me more anxious? 😖

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

I think what Jamboys said is something to think about. Don't worry about it for now though and just concentrate on getting yourself somewhere safe where you will feel better.

It's hard to see things clearly when you are in the midst of them but others can offer great insights based on personal experience. Maybe take yourself off to a quiet place and try and calm down a bit and you might be able to think things through better.

[Against_the_current]

Update : I actually spilled more water on myself than then. If i had broken the glas, it would be my glass, my accomodation's glass and i would have to pay it and even If i didn't i still broke my glass. I was mistreated and trying to fight back, i hurt only myself. I'm stressed af and going home and stressing out, i couldn't sleep, i'm stressing now, i'm going home and stressing about it now. They probably, no they surely don't give a damn. I'm going out of my house in order not to bother idiots Who don't give a damn anyway. I'm panicing so hard about going home, mom, dad, sis - them bothering me and me bothering them - dad just desided to come and drive me home, i was too paniced to cancel and am feeling bad he's drinking me, mom i will go to hers without even a day earlier telling her, same with sis - i'm probably annoying to her, she can't invite friends, she changed and her annoying mentally unstable sister is coming. Also i hope they don't bother me with their normal stories. I always do this - i get treated bad and then i spill the water on myself and get all the damage of someone mistreating me. Really, right now i can't take care of myself. I really can't. I don't even know whether my situation is really bad, i'm really sick or i'm Overthinking it but i can't take care of those things and i'm worried. I swear i try so hard to fix my situation, to seek help, meds, therapists, to step out of my comfort zone, to have fun. I try so hard but i can't, i fail everything. I spill the water on myself

[Jamboys3]

Glonk…you are over thinking everything. You are not well. Please, go and see your psychiatry team. Tell them you are not well.

Tell them your tablets are not working as you have not improved.

Tell them you want new medication.

Those 3 things are the things to ask them…and get answers/solutions for.

Focus on that only. You’re worrying about everything because you’re unwell.

[Against_the_current in reply to Jamboys3]

I don't have a psychiatry team and i left the city my psychiatrist is in. Also he said that meds can't repair that and those are best for my coundidion and i need therapy. I have a therapist that i work with for free from a program but i don't think it's working. Also i can't bear a change in my meds. I probably wouldn't make it out alive If they change them

[Jamboys3 in reply to Against_the_current]

Keep seeing your therapist please…ask their advice on this. If you ask them how to find a psychiatrist locally. In fact thinking about it…does your university have a doctor for all students. They can also help as well. You need to be reassessed. No such thing as “this is the only treatment for you” not all psychiatrists are correct. That is a very bad thing to say in my opinion. Otherwise we’d all be on the same drug for depression, for bipolar etc etc. There are so many different types of medications for the same illness. Some work some don’t. But you will get there. You would also start the new one at the same time as reducing the other one slowly. It’s not that bad. You must stay positive about this. There is help out there. 🤗

[Against_the_current in reply to Jamboys3]

Unfortunately there's no university doctor and i visited many psychiatrists 😔

[Midori]

WE care. All of us, this it what we come here for, to help others in distress.

Cheers,Midori

[Against_the_current in reply to Midori]

Thank you!