Insignificant (some thoughts botherin... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Insignificant (some thoughts bothering me outside my main problems which is dumb because i already have enough)

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I feel like i'm alone through life, yes, i am all alone and yet i open my social media, see people and i feel like "i hate them". I saw my roommate's stories and i felt terrible. I don't even follow the rest but just seeing them made me think "damn, i met some people in university, roommates and their friends and hate them, they're so happy living silly little lives, loving friends of some random people and etc" and seeing my unimates stories like "damn, i'm so unimportant, life goes on without me. I'm dying and people are partying. And those people said they have covid". Everyone is so insensetive. And people from school are even worse, i still get nightmares from them, i won't even talk about them. I go through life all alone. You say "go to a friend when mom drinks" but i don't have a friend. It's really messed up to be a lonely introvert. But when i'm with people i feel so bad, like "They're having fun, nobody gives a damn about me, i'm insignificant, i'm sad, they're trying to fix me but i can't be like them, even therapists couldn't fix me, i'm so lost, are they judging me, i bet nobody likes me, the new roommate already got closer with the old one i've been living with for 3 years, nobody here likes me, i'm sad and they're having fun, If i say it, they would try to fix me but that's damn insensetive and dumb, i study this, it's not that easy, i wouldn't have a future job If anxiety and depression were healed by some dumb extrovert telling you to not be yourself". I hate social gathering because i feel like nobody likes me, like i'm the odd one. And i go through life alone. They're posting stories about how thet love each other and they only know themselves for a month. I'm a hallucination. I'm like a ghost, i grab something and i nobody saw me eating, meanwhile the newbie would have a Master chef, play loud music and talk on the phone so loud like she owns the whole building. They be inviting the classmate of the sister of the coisin of one's boyfriend and liking her more than me. And having fun. And i can't, i just can't snap out of my traumas with mom, dad, sis, grandma... I can't. And nobody cares. See why i have to bear the hell at home - because hell is everywhere.

And i'm insignificant in home too. Mom thinks i'm sleeping all day and living life. Like i'm some animal that only eats and sleep. Like a Glonk. Nobody gives me credit for losing it all the time and still being top 10 best students and having full score on everything, going to all classes, carrying the conversations there. Because believe me in online education nobody wants to talk. But i do. One unimate didn't make her presentation and the teacher said she wants a disscussion on this topic or else she's giving it as an extra exam. I carried the disscussion. I always do (but in this country you can't get an A+ and nobody cares anyway ). I actually opened the damn social media because some unimate messaged me what the exam was and i wanted to help. I always help them with Studies despite i'm losing it and that's the only communication i get, then they forget about me. I help mom and sis and still they think i'm doing nothing just because my university is online and i'm not going physically. I can't even fell unwell, mom tells me she's got it worse. Well, it's not a competion, mom. Dad doesn't give a damn. He's dumb. Everyone in this country is dumb. And really insensetive. I'm losing it since november 2020, having constant panic attacks, ptsd, nightmares, mom drinking, carrying about sis, lowkey being mom's house wife, don't get me started about dad, carrying about sis and still percieving something and carrying about everyone and nobody gives a damn. Nobody gives me credit. Probably i sound like mom now. I'm damaged to the core. I can't even find a therapist. And i help others who have it lighter (their words) and still carry while lagging (sorry for the gamer terminology). I'm tired. And broken. And insignificant. And tired of being a sensetive introvert empath. But i don't want to change who i am to fit into the rotten world of dumb insensetive people. I can't kill my soul like that. I'm feeling alone when i'm with people because i still suffer over my family and because think nobody likes me, they're judging me, they don't care. But well, when being stupid and rude become the norm? If that's the norm, i don't want to be normal. I'm suffering but damn it i have a soul. I have a personally, an inner flame. They're just animals. I see a lot of People getting depressed just because they don't have this flame. But i have a wild fire in. And i have a wild fire outside. Probably what i'm writing is bullshit but i needed these thoughts shared because i'm losing sence of reality because of the severe trauma. Everyone would be in my place.

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Against_the_current
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Mumma_h

I’m truly so sorry you’re feeling this way . I’ve been there too and it’s the worst !!! When you’re crying out inside and NEED help, or love , or just encouraging words and no one seems to notice is just a horrible feeling!! You sound like a very caring person and unfortunately sometimes it can leave us vulnerable to being hurt . Also ,without making presumptions, if you do have depression as many of us here do , it will definitely change your perspective on things , your family , friends, work life ..... literally everything. However you do deserve some compassion and love from your family. Is it possible to ask your parents, or whole family, that you REALLY need to talk to them . You could sit them down and say I’m really not doing well , and this is what’s bothering me... and that you want their help and need it . I admire you so much ; going to university is a huge achievement! And to me possibly harder online !! You should be sooo proud if that . I too am an introvert, and very self conscious and anxious, but I have found a few friends that I completely trust. I don’t have to put on act for them . If I’m really down I can tell them and they’re there . And I do the same for them. Could you try finding a support group in your area or just one person who might need a friend too . Sending you a big hug and hope you feel more hopeful very soon. I’ll say a prayer for you too 💕🤗

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply toMumma_h

Exactly. You're right about me. Also i really do need my family and my people here to realise i'm human too and i need some affection and attention and that i'm struggling but they can't. I tried to talk to them but it got worse. They don't understand. They start saying even more painful things and how they're busy and stressed and have it worse and how they expect me to go to university and do well or they would behave worse with me and would make me work. Really, i asked for some affection and i got pain, manipulation and gaslight and compassion of them telling me how much worse they have it (I'm an empath it hurts like hell). I'm human and just need affection and i hate this fact. Thank you for being here and the kind words and understanding. I don't think i can find someone since i don't go anywhere (Espessially in pandemic) and have no friends here or real classes. It's really hard, hope you're doing good too with this challenging life

Mumma_h profile image
Mumma_h in reply toAgainst_the_current

That’s really tough ! To go to your family and they make it about them , I’m so sorry to hear that ! Keep coming here for care and support. Just know that there are so many out here that are going through the same or very similar. People who understand how you feel and will lift you up . Yes you are human and need love and affection, we all do . I’m so sorry you aren’t getting that from your family, that hurts ! Don’t you worry, there are plenty of us here that understand! You aren’t all alone in that 💕

Hi there! Thank you for sharing your pain with us. That is what we are here for, to listen and support each other. I'm not sure if by bullshit you mean insignificant or doesn't make sense or what, but I can tell you that what your feeling is very real and that your pain is very real. Every single thing we experience is of great significance. It doesn't matter to me if this doesn't make complete sense. Heck, what goes on in our minds doesn't make sense. If it did, we wouldn't need others to help us sort it out.

I'm so sorry you feel all these things. Feeling insignificant is the worst. It is so damaging to the psyche.I notice in your writing here that you assume no one likes you: "...I bet no one likes me...", '...I feel like nobody likes me, like I'm the odd one...", etc.

This is heartbreaking to experience (I'm experiencing something similar and it literally feels like my heart is broken). The reality is that we can't see into others peoples' minds and know what they're thinking (about us or about anything).

I too get tired of being sensitive to others' feelings and needs. It's really draining (not to mention that it uses up energy we could be using to take care of ourselves).

I hope this helps somewhat.🙂

Against_the_current profile image
Against_the_current in reply to

Absolutely same. Plus i'm really sensetive and sensetive to their needs while they don't care about me, went out for new year's and didn't even invited me, spoke about it in front of me, post stories. Say they love each other so much and they just met meanwhile i ve been there forever, i ve been consider ate of them and still they do whatever they like. Thank you for taking time for me and your words

in reply toAgainst_the_current

You're welcome 😊

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