I got older and life got harder. I look back at my childhood as happy and loved. I was creative and smart. Heathy and strong. Surrounded by friends and loving family. Things were so simple. I believed in my faith and the world seemed logical and good.
I got older. Life got harder. More responsibilities, more challenges, more visible horrid parts of the world. Is that just growing up? Am I remembering the past accurately? I can never go back there. What would I change if I could?
People I know are drifting away. Others are dying. It seems so common now. I talk and think about death differently. Years back, bad things happened and I began to question my faith. Feeling alone and drifting. Lost.
Now I want that faith back but dont know if I can get it.
I used to day dream about what I would do if I had a lot of money. Now I day dream about what I would do with a magic wand. First, I would give people with obnoxiously purposefully loud cars and motorcycles engine trouble. I think I would like to know what my dog thinks of me and what he dreams about. I would want to relieve pain and fear.
The world seems to be in a bad place. So much hate, violence, selfishness, dishonesty, greed, and pain. Life seems cheap and not valued. The future doesnt look too bright. I keep trying to think it isnt all bad. There are still.some good parts. I need to be aware of them. It is so frustrating at times. I hate anxiety. I dont enjoy depression. I cant bear anything in pain. I cant seem to get my bearings.
People here on this site are nicer than most. They know pain. They have empathy. Too bad so many "normal" people dont have much empathy. It is late. I havent slept well in over a year. I can babble on at will. People dont have to read this, but they can if they want.
I want to feel rested and healty and grounded. But dont know if anyone does.
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TailWags
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I sometimes wonder if I view my teenage years through rose-tinted glasses. They were my happiest, but probably not as good asI remember.
At least I can revisit the music of the late 70's to mid 80's easily now due to modern technology. I still consider those years among the best music wise - my teenage years. Childhood wasn't bad, wasn't brilliant either.
I think l sort of block out the suffering in the world, and focus om the good. That's not very realistic of me l suppose..
Where I live it is almost 12 noon. Will walk my dog very soon now. She is a super companion. Adult kids - 18 is youngest are at work, college , school. Just the youngest schoolgoing girl permanently at home now. My husband is at work. Time is my own sometimes that's good, sometimes not.
You are obviously a dog lover too.
Dare I say l sometimes think they have more empathy than some humans!
No doubt you are right that so-called normal people don't have much empathy. On here we have all been on a fairly similar journey. Many of us long for understanding, and we frequently find it on here.
I found a couple of peer support groups that meet on Zoom, but I still feel unsure if I come across well in person ..l am far more confident on a keyboard, unseen. I never even liked myself in photos, not to mind being up there on Zoom, but I persist.
Perhaps lcould suggest you immerse yourself activities so as not to overthink.
As regards sleep, a podcast seldom fails to put me to sleep, doesn't matter what podcast! Perhaps that's jist a weird thing wit me, but maybe worth a try for you
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I am a dog lover and music lover, especially the 80s. I like music like The Replacements, Bowie, Psychedelic Furs, Talking Heads, The Suburbs and lots of others. I am single, no kids. I am old enough that people in my parents generation are dying, a are the actors in the shows of my prime, politicians, the stable parts of my earlier life.
I too find it tough when some of the stalwarts of my youth even in TV and music pass away. I expect Bowie's passing in particular hit many of us hard. A cassette l had of his music was the background to many a gathering in my house of cousins and friends.My house at the time was like the local hub for the youth as my mother had died young, and my father was hard of hearing, so he didn't mind the music and gatherings. He would be in bed, and we would hang out into the early hours of the morning. Sounds a bit disrespectful towards my father, but he knew and liked the young people, and they did interact with him ..He was happy with his books and his very loud TV, and l had to put up with that! Thing is, my father was always better to communicate with those outside of his own children. My siblings would agree with me there.
Sometimes it could be as boring as playing cards, at others we could be having deep discussions. I think l was too cossetted in that world though. Didn't get a steady part time summer job, but was doing the housework at home, perhaps not surprising l long for those days. I was practically my own boss from an early age, my siblings being 10 and 13 years older having married and moved away.
It probably made entering the world of work all the harder. Sorry for rambling on, think i remain a bit too nostalgic for those years. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that friends were plentiful then, not so now..
Exactly. I had 5 siblings and a neighborhood full of kids. Never felt lonely. Sometimes bored, but not lonely. Also, my depression didnt kick in until college days.
Hi TailWags. I agree with you and the other respondents. The past can seem better than it was. The present may be better in some ways than it seems. It’s all true. I used to ignore it when people said “life is short”. It is not when you’re 20. At some point you realize it really is. You wish you had done more. Think you should have done something different. As if any of it would have allowed you to hold on to the good stuff. Then you feel like you’re falling apart. We’ll, anything that falls apart can come together again. I try to stay busy in the here and now and that helps. That is, when I can pull it off. It may help you too….
Thanks. I feel plenty busy, but it is mostly with my job and chores. I want time to relax and do fun stuff. One problem I have is when I am in funk.it is really hard to get myself motivated to do things. The things I need to do are not the things I want to do.
I dont think these issues are limited to me. I expect they are pretty.universal.
Thank you. I dont want to miss out on the present. I try not to "wish my life away". I have been wanting to be able to retire for so long. I dont want to miss any good stuff now pining away for the future.
Hi, I think it comes with getting older, I’m in my 70’s and my Mother and Father and all my wonderful extended family of aunts and uncles have all gone, I was so close to all of them and I do miss them so much, I have one older brother left who I don’t see very much, and lots of nieces who visit sometimes but I agree life isn’t the same , I do think that Covid has a lot to do with it , it’s effected so many people , having to isolate from everything , life has changed so much.
I suppose it was the same for our parents and grandparents during the wars , life must have changed so much for them too.
I think some “normal” people don’t have any empathy if it’s not affected them or their family, most on here , ,understand what we are going through .
I try to live the day but it’s so hard isn’t it, I try not to think about the future too much as things are , we can’t know what’s in front of us, maybe that’s a good thing.
As I'm getting older a new blow or shock seems to hit me every day and I find that I'm not able to put them to the back of my mind to deal with later as I used to 🙄
It is hard to live in the present. I took a mindfulness class a while back that was all about the present, not judging, not predicting. Part of it was meditation. I found I could get a mini break from my problems by doing a meditation. Took some practice, but I reasoned if I could feel better for even 20 minutes or half an hour, that it was possible to feel better. There was still hope.
Shortly , we are all going to sound like Victor Meldrew - of One Foot in the Grave. For non -UK it was a comedy about a very grumpy old man who constantly complained 😀
Here’s one more saying you are not alone in how you’re thinking and feeling. There’s so much here, to read slowly. Keeping faith is hard. Still have promises (to myself) to keep, but will write more later.
It’s later than I thought and I haven’t read all you wrote. So one thing, concerning the heartache, it helped me a lot to learn that any loss, not just bereavement, is grief. Loss of a less care-filled past and of hopes for the future are griefs. And grief has its denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and all the rest. So I recognize where these feelings are coming from. More when I get the chance. 😢
People were talking about lack of empathy. So many people lack even a shread of compassion. This is demonstrated to me by people who selfishly feel their right to not wear a mask is more important than reducing the spread of disease to others. So many forms of selfishness and greed and hate.
It’s a good little group here, with a lot in common. It sounds like Yogi Berra, “The future sure isn’t what it used to be,” like several of you said. On the other hand, I’ve always been pessimistic and often wrong. I never thought I would see people dancing on top of the Berlin Wall, or the USSR ending without an awful war. Because of God, there is always hope. I’ve been worried about the future for a long time though. The valedictorian at my daughter’s college said about the future, “I don’t know enough to be pessimistic.” It is hard to stay in the present, but essential. We’ll never have a better past. Remember all the good, keep the lessons, and the rest?—press on!“Yesterday’s a closing door, you don’t live there any more.” There are people all around who could use some kindness and some help. I hope you recover faith, TailWags . I’ve heard it’s not really God we lose faith in, but misunderstandings about what God is like. Or we lose faith in our own faith. I did not believe until I was a young adult. Then 18 months later the panic and anxiety hit. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I would never part with the fruit. Several said that “normal” people don’t have as much empathy, and I agree with that. This forum is good because of it, and the moderators. Grace and peace!
My dad had the strongest faith if anyone i knew. I thought he had at least a few years left then covid came. Never expected him to go like he did. Over a year now and dont think i really grasp it yet. It was extreamly hard on mom. I had a very vivid dream the other night. Rarely remember them, but must have woke up at the right time. In the dream mom wasnt doing well. She was sitting in a chair and me and a couple siblings were standing there talking to her when my dad comes walking around the corner. He walks up to mom , talks to her quietly and gives her a kiss telling her it will.soon be time for her to.come join him. He was so gentle with her. They were the loves of each others lives. Each would do anything for the other. I so want them to be able to be together again.
My mom and dad were married 67 years and were inseparable. They passed 15 months apart, just before COVID. That timing was a tender mercy. Unlike your father, they were both skeptics. The pain has given way to a wistfulness. While they were alive, they were seldom in my dreams. Now they are regulars.
Hurts like the dickens, doesn’t it? How far away does she live? Grief is the closest thing to mental illness symptoms a lot of people experience. Sometimes that’s how I tell people what it’s like. I don’t have anything to say you don’t already know.
She lived with me for a little over a year recovering from covid and all. Now she lives in a sr apartment 11 blocks away. I see her pretty much every night. I am single and have no.kids. With all this parent stuff I realized they are the people that love me most in thd world and no one else will ever love me like they do. I understand God loves everyone lots, but i have been having difficulties there and people are different.
When family is good it is really good and when it is bad it is awful, maybe because of that unique parent-child relationship and those deep bonds. Are there any other relationships like that? War buddies, maybe?
Tailwags, your story is a lot like mine except that I had a stressful childhood due to an alcoholic father. I have a problem with insomnia too, but I am in a program that is very slowly helping with that. It just takes time. We often hear, "Do something nice for yourself every day." I am in the spot of not having any idea how to do that because nothing really appeals to me. Hugs to you. Bless you. This too shall pass.
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