Every day I come here and answer the unanswered posts and try to help people. Now it's my turn to suffer and ask for help.
Today I was at my computer, 100% "in my head," doing thinking stuff. Suddendly, without warning comes a tremendous bout of tiredness, so much so, that I cannot continue to do anything, feeling a little dizzy. I lose so much control of my mental activities by virtue of this tremendous and sudden demand that my body is placing on me, that I am terrified that I will die. My wife and my stepson have to sit with me on the bed while I am lying down, reassuring me that I'm not going to die, that it is normal to become suddenly tired.
Slowly I rest. I'm surprised that I don't die and actually that I feel a little better and that I was very tired.
Then I realize, wait a second! Because I am generally so much "in my head," not paying attention to my body that: 1. I haven't been eating, 2. I haven't been exercising, 3. I didn't shower to refreshen myself and that, actually, it was this lack of attention to my bodily needs that caused me to be suddenly tired in the first place! This is the biggest thing that I am coming to understand in my psychoanalysis--this brain/body disconnect. And it takes on many other forms . . .
The fear of dying when losing control that's kind of another problem. I'm sure that those of you who suffer an anxiety disorder will agree that the most important thing that you can do is to maintain control and that the worst thing that can happen is to lose control. To top it off, I have anxiety diarrhea. Now I'm trying to force myself to stay awake until my normal sleep time so I don't throw off my sleep schedule.
How can you help me? Sympathy won't help too much. I want to hear from others who have similar problems and to tell me your story. That will help. Thanks.
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I also experienced fear of losing control. Of what? Just like I might go crazy. At times is like a cloud or sensation of fear that hits or goes to my stomach. I agree with you about the brain body connection.I wish for a way to have thought processes observed maybe by being plugged up to some machine at home where these things happened. Don't think a lab would work.
Yes, absolutely, the fear of going crazy sometimes goes along with losing control; other times, fear of dying or being annihilated. Terrifying about describes, I think one of the worst emotions that humans can experience. I don't understand your wish to have thoughts observed. What do you mean? For me, I am keenly aware of my thoughts. The problem is that I'm not keenly aware of my feelings in my body or my body's needs. So when I deprive these needs, I'm in trouble. If I could pay as much attention to my body as to my thoughts, I'd be better off. Actually, I just discovered something a few minutes ago. As mentioned, I am fighting bouts of sleepiness and forcing myself NOTto lie down to maintain my normal sleep schedule. If I keep sleeping during the day whenever I'm tired, I'll damage my night's sleep. So what I just discovered is that when I eat some pieces of cheese, I'm less tired and feel better! To "normal" people this may seem like a no-brainer but, for me, with this disconnection, it's not a no-brainer.
My doctor advised that I have simple water+Sugar+Salt when I have severe diarrhea and this I remember well. It has helped.
But fruits or salad, simple tomato or cucumber when can't eat or soup helps. Just keeping it basic and minimum to start with and just alittle.
But you should see doctor who will send to specialist in diet to help you with and will go according to your wishes
Control, is when you are feeling better. I have no wish to do anything when I'm not feeling my best. When you do feel alright it is okay to do bare minimum. Take it easy for now.
Thanks so much for the reminder about rehydration solution (electrolytes) for diarrhea. I had forgotten about that. Anxiety is bad enough but adding diarrhea? That's like "adding insult to injury" or "Rubbing salt into the wound." Not pleasant.
Ah, thank you so much for your attention to my problem, I feel so loved! I agree with everything you say about the body and the attention it needs--we can add exercise too. When we think,we have thoughts. The body does not speak in thoughts. It has feelings. And feelings are completely different from thoughts. For me, thoughts are easy; feeings are hard. I'm so much "in my thoughts" that often I pay no attention to my body and suffer the consequences. So at 71 years of age I have to learn how to be "in my body." Thanks again.
Absolutely, mindfulness and varous kinds of breathing exercises can definitely help with anxiety. When I had that spike of anxiety, feeling that I was going to die, I should have done diaphragmatic breathing! I completely forgot! Another example of not paying attention.
I'm so sorry you're struggling right now sweetie 🥰 I've experienced the fear of death and that is an all encompassing fear. When I have that I just try to center myself. even if it difficult. Take a walk color in a colorbook. Take care and have a good rest tonight 😊
You are preaching to the choir here. Having OCD and agoraphobia I am very familiar with the TERROR of "losing control". My problems began decades ago, due not to just trauma and stress, but what I was doing physically health wise - not getting enough rest, not eating enough, drinking tons of coffee. One of the biggest realizations I had that helped me a lot was when I realized that when I feel panic, I used to hold my breath - which increases panic because of racing heart and getting dizzy and then feelings of dying, going crazy, losing control. Biggest help for me? Remember to BREATHE. Slowly. Slowly in. Slowly out. And sometimes I need to count each breath, 1 to 10, then begin again. You have received fantastic responses on here from others. Recently you reached out to me and said I could PM you if I ever needed - I offer you the same if you ever need to vent or chat. I don't have anxiety related diarrhea, but I suffer from incontinence due to age and health issues, so that fear of "losing control" ever IN PUBLIC is legitimate. A lot of that comes down to "What will people think". What will complete strangers think if I die, "go crazy" or wet my pants. Fear that if I were alone and needed help, no one would help me. But that goes back to the beginning of life and the people who were supposed to take care of you DIDN'T. But I am "talking" too much. I just wish to help you. I wish I could help everyone here. Such good people here on this site. We are not alone. We are not crazy. And we're probably doing better than we think.
Hello,I feel this greatly. I hope the following helps somewhat:
I am in my head more often than not, and it can be incredibly suffering. It wipes me out completely (to the point of either falling asleep or getting very close to it). I have (fairly recently) discovered a concept I call light thoughts vs. heavy thoughts. This discovery came about by witnessing what happens within me if I switch to a light thought. I actually wake up with light thoughts! It's a fascinating discovery! Now to learn how to stay there for longer that 10 minutes at a time ...
My light thoughts so far include going to a cafe, going to a friend's house, reading a book, and doing my crochet.
Hello Alpakka123. at some point, if you care to, we should talk further, for it seems that we are suffering from a similar disturbance. Fortunately, for both of us, it appears that we have identified the general problem and that we are trying to sort it, to improve the situation and to feel better. So maybe we can find ways to help each other. OK, now let me pay attention to what you wrote, and I'll come back here in a minute. I need some help clarifying what you are saying. I definitely understand what you mean by being in your head more often than not. For me it's MUCH more often. In fact, it's my default. I DON'T understand what "being in your head" has to do with wiping you out. Now, when I am in my head, sometimes I get wiped out too, as I indicated in my post. I'm not sure if we are talkng about the same thing or a different thing, so tell me what you mean by it, then I'll tell you what I mean by it. Also, it seems that by your discovery of light versus heavy thoughts, you have discovered something useful. But I don't understand it. Can you break it down?
Hello,First off, if we talk more about this, I'd rather we do so on here (the public forum). Thanks for respecting this!
I have PTSD. Any thinking that involves an aspect of my trauma is what I refer to as a heavy thought. It is highly emotionally painful and consumes my entire energy while I try to "survive" it. Any thinking that doesn't involve an aspect of my trauma is what I refer to as a light thought. This is when I am not in my trauma at all. The light thoughts are pleasant thoughts.
The situation I was thinking of when I wrote my comment was the following:
I was in a meeting with my pastor when I had a flashback. I got really tired and felt weak. She helped me get out of my head by distracting me by something pleasant. She asked me about something I said at the beginning of the meeting I was going to give her. I sat up with a newfound sense of energy and got out what I was going to give her. I was happy and felt energised.
Another example of suddenly shifting from heavy to light thoughts is when my husband and I would get ready to leave the house. I would start feeling unsafe about going out. This would get me very tired and wanting to go to bed. He would then tell me what we could do when out, which would give me that spurt I needed to get out (mainly, I believe, because it's something pleasant).
(The latter doesn't always work because the flashbacks would be too strong).
Now I understand much more clearly the difference the difference between "light" and "heavy thoughts." Thank you for the examples and the context. If I'm reading you correctly, light thoughts refer to your normal thinking processes whereas heavy thoughts derive directly from your PTSD disturbance and are the most painful and challenging. Have you made progress and what is your hope for the future?
That is correct. I thankfully have made lots of progress. My hope is to get to where these heavy thoughts don't rule the roost and negatively affect my life.
With anxiety, the best thing to do is to let yourself lose control. Nothing will happen. Let's those waves of fear wash over you and do nothing to change it.I learnt that by giving up trying to control every aspect of anxiety, I eventually regained control. I stopped trying to fight, suppress or avoid all the symptoms and made peasce with it all. By this, I mean I was genuinely OK about not being ok. I accepted it all. All those symptoms gradually disappeared.
Recovery is about changing your attitude and letting the anxiety be there.
Regarding anxiety and your view that the best thing to do is lose control, good luck with that, Beevee! Actually, I'm partly joking. I get you. But here's the situation. When I go to bed at night, every night, I am afraid I'm going to die. I cry a little bit, I am fearful, I ask my wife for reassurance. Like you, she tells me not to worry because "Nothing is going to happen." I tell her that that's not true, that something IS now happening in my head and that it's terrible!
Now, I agree that "letting those fears wash over you," is a good tecnique. And, fortunately, there are all manner of techniques for diminishing anxiety besideds the main ones, medication and therapy. But it does seem that these techniques do not work very well with depression. What's your opinion on that?
Long post but feel that it would be beneficial to explain some things to set the scene for depression!
If you havent already done so, read Essential Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. If you have, read it again and again!
It's the best book that accurately explains what anxiety does to people, why it continues and most importantly, how to recover in the way I have explained many times on this forum.
The development of chronic, inappropriate levels of anxiety follows the same natural physiological order, starting with bewilderment about experiencing weird symptoms [caused by poorly handled stress] then adding more stress about what's happening to you because most people don't know what the hell is going on and very scary!
Feelings of despair enter the fray, followed by fear, creating a perfect fear-adrenalin-fear storm. The nervous system that controls your emotions are beyond frayed with all that stress you have put yourself under. The result being all your emotions are magnified many times over and easily triggered, often without rhyme or reason.
Anxiety is just nervous energy caused by those sensitised nerves. They have been given a severe beating by stress and worry and vibrating like a tuning fork which keeps getting knocked.
Thoughts or situations that you wouldn't even give a second thought about are now terrifyingly front and centre of stage in your mind. 😱😱😱 Life becomes a complete ball ache. Extreme anxiousness if you do something, the same if you don't. Nothing but fear with little room for a positive emotion.
All that anxious energy built up is looking to be released which happens in the form of those fearful thoughts and feelings you despise so much. This is how the mind and body repairs itself from all the contant stress you've put yourself under fighting the symptoms.
It cannot recover if you are not prepared to let that negative energy be released and continually topping it up by continuing to fight to control it all either by avoidance, supression or deliberate distraction. These are techniques designed to appease your anxiety. They don't get rid of it!
Acceptance is not a technique. It's not something you do, hoping it will all go away for a bit. It's much more than that and the foundations of recovery. It's about developing a genuinely passive attitude towards those symptoms and caring less about them. This includes depression which is a very common symptom of anxiety. Depletion is a much more accurate description as to what is happening to you and usually follows too when you've been fighting anxiety 24/7.
Your emotions / resilience are running on empty like a drained battery because you have been fighting [with yourself] for so long with no way out, seemingly.
Acceptance of all symptoms means you stop fighting all the symptoms so your battered nerves are able to recover which takes time and emotional reserves replenished.
I learnt all this when a friend lent me another Dr Weekes book. I went and bought a more indepth version, the one I mentioned at the top and started my recovery. Nowadays, I simply don't care if I feel anxious because I don't fear it [fear feeds anxiety] and know what takes to recover. Doing nothing about it!
I suffered just like you and many others on this forum but not any more. All because of that book and the knowledge it gave me.
Knowlege and understanding is key and takes away alot of that fear and bewilderment [what's happening to me !!!😱😱😱], paving the way to develop hat attitude of acceptance.
Thank you, Beevee, for all the effort you put into your long post. The relationship between depression and anxiety, for me, is a black box. I don't understand that all. I suffer MUCH more from anxiety than I do depression, probably in a ratio of 20/80.
To me, the crux of the matter is that it's one thing to describe it--that's useful if you are describing YOUR anxiety/depression rather than a standard description in a book--but it's quite another thing to fix it. Therein lies the challenge. There are many people who spend years in therapy and on medication who make only partial progress--I'm guessing that complete resolution is rare--yet you solved the whole ball of wax from reading a self-help book? IDK, Beevee, color me skeptical. I did solve most, not all, of my depression and anxiety from 6.5 years of psychoanalysis, five days per week, from when I was 17-23, and all without medication. Now I am "back in the soup," on medication and in psychoanalysis six times per month, Part 2.
I read the book, then applied that knowledge and the principles to my life, in full.
I changed my attitude towards the symptoms and made friends with them in thesense that i learned to let it all happen and do nothing and to take the anxiety with me while accepting it all. No one will find out what's on the other side if they are not prepared to feel the anxiety and see for themselves that it's one big confidence trick! Had I not gone back to work, I'd probably still be sat at home, afraid to go, afraid of everything. I wasn't prepared to do that, to restrict my life because of some scary thoughts and feelings that are only there because I was anxious!
Recovery is not some special thing that is exclusive to a lucky few, recovery is waiting for everyone suffering with severe anxiety. Everyone. Symptoms might be fifferent from one person to the next but fear is alwats the root cause and fear can be overcome, once anxiety has been undressed and exposed. Its a pussy cat dressed as a lion!
It's a learned behaviour, albeit unwittingly but can be overcome once people understand that trying to get rid of it [therapy, medication, etc etc] has the opposite effect!
If it helps, visit a website called anxietynomore .co. uk. This also helped to to understand anxiety and what acceptance meant.
It's hard to get an anxious brain around the concept but it bloody well works!
If it didn't, I wouldn't spend time on this forum trying to help people to understand that complaining about the symptoms is the reason they continue to suffer. Complaining means they are not accepting and being stressed abou the way they are thinking and feeling .
Recovery is not easy and takes time but it will come to you once you realise acceptance is key. Our natural instinct is to resist discomfort but anxiety us a paradox. The more you try to get rid if it, the longer it takes to recover.
Absolutely! It's hard to summarise all that I went through and where am I now on this forum but happy to answer any questions.My answers might be the same and that is acceptance of symptoms while you go about your day.
By doing normal things and taking the anxiety with you, normal thoughts and feelings gradually return.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Was this a one off? I hope you feel better now.
You have had many good suggestions above but in addition I'll mention what helps me. I need to be "in my body" more also so your post interests me.
Regular food & drink as we age, maybe set an alarm when sat down at the computer. Sitting for long periods is no good for anyone and may affect your circulation. Move and stretch.
Breathing: I do the 7/11. Easy to remember. 7 in, 11 out. A nurse told me this so it's used by the NHS.
I don't get on with meditation but I use vagus nerve exercises. There's a whole theory behind this. Mostly on my face down my arms as the nerve is more accesible here. Easy to do. Sukie Baxter does a lot on Youtube. I also incorporate Havening techniques to suit. havening.org
Once again these bring us back into our bodies by physical touch.
I like one exercise of rubbing my hands together in a circular motion. It's the opposite of "wringing our hands" in desperation. In English we have so may expressions which refer to physical sensations, we use them automatically to sum up a feeling such as " butterflies in my stomach" "pain in the neck"....it was "an eye opener" haha to read about this. You're the linguist. Is this referenced in other languages?
Lastly I'm listening to the 30 part Emotions course on "Therapy in a Nutshell" which I'm finding very good.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, gettingsomewhere. Given your myriad suggestions for anxiety reduction it truly does appear that you are gettingsomewhere. I don't know if this was a one off. I'm going to start a journal and evaluate. Actually, there are two separate problems: 1. Losing control of my mind to my body and being fearful of dying, 2. Not paying attention to my bodily needs and feelings which could be the cause of the sudden drowsiness in the first place. Even though #1 is more frightening, I think that #2 is more important. Recently, I've been so much "in my head," ignoring my body, such that my symptoms were becoming worse and worse. Today I made a big change and I'll try it every day: Body before Mind: a. When I woke up I did not turn on my computer but sat in the garden relaxing, b. I ate a nutritious breakfast, c. I exercised, d. I took a refreshing shower. Only now am I on my computer. Even I feel a bout of tiredness, I will not fight it but lie down a bit and see if that resolves the problem. And I'll keep a sleep journal a take a few notes. // I am happy/sad that we both seem to have the same problem, needing to be more in our bodies. Maybe in the future we could help each other with this, so if you are interested, get back to me. I'm aware of all the methods that you described for anxiety reduction and I practice them myself. However, I think that's a different problem from not paying attention to the needs and feelings of our bodies. It's possible, but I'm not sure, that the anxiety itself is a result of our failure to pay attention . . .
Thank you Linux, I wasn't sure if any of this would be helpful. We are all different so our tendencies present that way as well.
I'm really glad you are changing your approach and taking care of your physical needs. Great idea and very important especially as we age. I used to skip meals but now feel ill if I don't eat regularly.
I find if I eat too many carbs for lunch that makes me tired but porridge for breakfast sets me up fine.
I can relate to your #2 wanting to be more in the body, recognising and expressing feelings and sensations.
I lack this skill as a result of childhood abuse. Never allowed to express anything so I shut down and freeze. My therapist calls how I operate as "functional freeze" This all relates to trauma and complex ptsd which some of us experience on here.
Days later after a triggering situation I might "feel" something then have to work backwards and uncover what it was. This is when I experience anxiety & depression. Pete Walker in his book "Surviving to Thriving...." details the 4 trauma responses and calls these episodes Emotional Flashbacks.
I'd like to deal with things straightaway instead of triggers lasting days or weeks. Being more in my body is part of that.
The above techniques I mentioned help calm my nervous system but work with the inner child in therapy has been the most successful....so you're right I do feel like I'm getting somewhere eventually and wish the same for you.
I think you are right about #2 being both the problem and the potential solution. But it's so hard to listen to our bodies and act on its signals when we have such a strong preference to stay within the safety and comfort of our thoughts. Thank you for the book reference. I'm not a professional but, for whatever it's worth, it could be that the name of our malady is mind-body dissassociation or, to put a different twist on it, defensive intellectualization. I guess you could say that in this instance I'm not proud to be an intellectual.
In British English, one unique expression is "Get in a tizz", which means to become agitated, flustered, or confused. This phrase reflects mental agitation that manifests as physical restlessness or disarray. For example, you might say, "She got in a tizz about being late for the meeting."
In American English, a common expression is "gut feeling", which refers to a strong instinctive feeling or intuition. The phrase suggests a deep-seated physical sensation tied to subconscious mental processing. An example would be, "I have a gut feeling that we’re going the wrong way."
In Spanish, an expression that conveys a similar mental phenomenon is "Estar hasta la coronilla", which translates to "To be up to the crown of the head." This phrase means to be completely fed up or overwhelmed, expressing mental exhaustion through the imagery of physical overflow. You might hear someone say, "Estoy hasta la coronilla de este trabajo" ("I am up to the crown of my head with this work").
In French, "Avoir la boule au ventre" translates to "To have a ball in the stomach." This expression means to feel anxious or nervous, and it describes anxiety as a physical obstruction or tension in the stomach. For instance, "J'avais la boule au ventre avant de parler en public" means "I had a ball in my stomach before speaking in public."
In Italian, "Avere il cuore in gola" translates to "To have the heart in the throat." This phrase means to feel fear or nervous anticipation, visualizing the sensation of fear physically rising, akin to a racing heart. An example would be, "Quando ho visto l'incidente, avevo il cuore in gola" ("When I saw the accident, I had my heart in my throat").
In German, "Einen Kloß im Hals haben" means "To have a lump in the throat," which describes the feeling of being emotional or about to cry. The phrase captures the physical sensation of tightness in the throat associated with strong emotions. For example, "Sie hatte einen Kloß im Hals, als sie das traurige Ende des Films sah" ("She had a lump in her throat when she saw the sad ending of the movie").
Finally, in Danish, "At have sommerfugle i maven" translates to "To have butterflies in the stomach," which means to feel nervous excitement. This expression mirrors the English phrase, describing the fluttery sensation caused by nervousness. An example might be, "Jeg havde sommerfugle i maven før eksamen" ("I had butterflies in my stomach before the exam").
These expressions from different languages demonstrate how mental phenomena are often depicted as physical sensations, with each culture bringing its own unique imagery to these feelings. [my bold]
Hi Linux, It's probably partly the other way round; you became too tired to exercise and take care of yourself, without noticing. Then you fall asleep uncontrollably, as I have been doing for the last couple of years or so, and I get how you live in your head. I live on my own, so I have an excuse; I'm not sure you have that excuse. I think a lot of elderly people are similar. I certainly regularly drop off with my computer on my lap and a cup of tea in my hand! I fried my laptop on one occasion and had to replace it!
Like you, I often wonder: Is this how it's going to be when I die? I don't dwell on that one because while I'm lucky to have lived this long (I'm 80), I have blood cancer and was led to believe I had eight years to live. That was in 2019, and I actually don't believe it. At the same time, I have a lot to do before it happens, and it worries me more that the clock is ticking.
So I don't imagine you are alone in how you are feeling, and I expect the received wisdom would be to get some exercise and you might not feel so tired so often. Looking after yourself is always a good thing and helps to raise your spirits, which you also seem to need.
Wow, MaggieSylvie, I really appreciate your articulateness. I must now re-read your post! Actually, I don't think I became too tired to exercise. I just defaulted to taking all my "nourishment" --actually false nourishment--living in my brain, hours on my computer, thinking, thinking, thinking. Meanwhile, I was eating poorly, not enough and not nutritious food; I stopped exercising; I used to wake up and sit in the garden for two hours, relaxing and enjoying Nature; then I found myself waking up and getting on my computer, and also not showering to refresh myself. All of the above came to me as a BIG REALIZATON. Today, I started a new procedure: Body before mind: a. I didn't turn on my computer and sat in the garden for two hours, chatting with my wife and relaxing, b. I took my medication right away whereas I usually put it off, c. I completed my exercise, d. I ate a more nutritious breakfast, e. I took my shower. Now I will try an experiment. If I feel a bout of tiredness I'll listen to my body and take a brief nap rather than waiting, waiting, waiting, not paying attention to the signs and collapsing. // I'm glad to hear that you think that shift of sudden tiredness is a function of aging. This helps. // Now, with respect to Death, heck, we're all in the same boat on that one, the worst problem being that there is no solution except perhaps for those of various religous persuasions. // I think you're great. Get back to me anytime you feel like chatting with whatever is on your mind, including your blood cancer . . .
Thank you, Linux, for your encouraging words! I had a period like that recently when I just couldn't be bothered to eat proper meals and get enough fluid, and guess what happened? I ended up in hospital for two nights with inflamed gall bladder, bile duct and pancreatitus. Just two days and they didn't discuss whether I was a drinker and what my diet was, and they decided that they wanted to remove my gall bladder. To cut a long story short, when I received the letter, I saw my GP and he was in total agreement with all my reasons for not going ahead with this. I believe it was a one-off bout of stomach ache, vomiting and not eating, caused by a period of not preparing meals and eating chocolates that had been sent to me as a gift. So that can happen, out of the blue. I have never had a proper illness before.
For me, talking about blood cancer is a bore. It was a shock to be diagnosed with a very rare disease back in 2019 but it is unlikely to kill me, especially as it started in my seventies, which is common. I just don't know if my tiredness has anything to do with it. I haven't been exercising because I have seven compression fractures in my back, but I have just started to go to two classes twice a week. So far I have only managed once, but next week, I hope to do better, as I do feel the benefits of these easy, simple, directed exercises. It ensures I do them, and my goal is to be able to straighten up. I am a youthful person, and this new persona doesn't suit me at all! This exercise class is at the local leisure centre and offered to me through the local physiotherapy department. It can be tough on a newby, but I think it's good.
As well as suffering tese back problems, on Christmas Eve (my birthday) I had the misfortune to sprain my ankle in a freak slipper accident, so I have that to take care of as well. I was so bruised and swollen that everyone who saw it in the new "Minor Injuries department" at the hospital was really surprised when the x-rays showed no broken bones, not even all those little bones in the feet. Sprains can take at least six weeks to heal, but I feel mine is healing more quickly than that (fingers crossed).
Yes, our minds and bodies are more connected than we might think. This morning, I deliberately had an extra sleep and didn't get up until lunch time (it's so cold, who could blame me?) and I caught myself later falling asleep on the laptop. I went and had a Matzo and a cup of cappuccino, and here I am, awake again, having put some fuel in my body. So sometimes, it's food or drink that we need, or both.
What is more on my mind is my partner's move from a year in and out of hospital to a care home. It's not good. He's not getting the care he would've got at home, but I can't be awake/alert for 24 hours, which is what he expects, so it's been taken out of my hands. It's horrible but I have mostly numbed myself to all the stuff that's going on.
Is it too late to wish you a happy new year? Well I hope 2025 is better for you.😊
You have a host of medical problems but it seems like you're managing them pretty well and that you've also done a good job learning from your mistakes. And it's a darn good thing that you got a second opinion from your GP regarding gall bladder surgery. It seems that in the hospital that they didn't take a proper history or they would not have reached that conclusion.
It seems that the biggest problem that causing you the most upset is the removal of your partner, knowing how needy he is for you, and you not being able to give him everything he needs because, under the circumstances, it's not possible. I'm guessing you can see him sometimes? Or communicate live on WhatsApp video, where you can do this from home? Feel free to come back anytime you want to chat.
I've woken with my face on my computer keyboard once or twice myself. It's really hard to force myself to go to bed at night. For some reason, I rebel. Don't know why a sore back and a stiff neck from keeping company with a computer all night is preferable. I don't win arguments with my mind.
Tara 🦜 wins that argument. When my up too late sounds disturb her, I hear about it: tick-tick-tick on the side of her cage, and a pathetic "peep" elicits an apology and gets me moving. Who's in charge here?
Darn! This is good good. It seems that we're suffering similarly. Books are good. Nothing but books is bad. Left out of the equation are our bodies and the feelings in our bodies. Sure, staying in our heads keeps away the bad feelings but also "throws out the baby with the bath water," throwing away the signals that we're tired, hungry, etc. This is a very hard nut to crack. Today I am consciously tearing myself away from my computer, doing other stuff, like exercising. Unfortunately, I've had low-level anxiety for a few days now, with constant anxiety diarrhea, a bummer with that on top of everything else.
Are you making progress? Absolutely! That is the critical question and an excellent way to state the problem.
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xx
I want to die
Rough day
I really want to die
