Triggered TW

[No_Longer_Human]

I'm nauseous and anxious and depressed. I can't access help. Mom's miserable and hasn't paid my health insurance, even if i had doctors and ER treat me terrible, dad hung thee phone because his kid started screaming. I beetter d1e here faster. I called dad to say happy nameday and his kid just started screaming "dada, kaka(older sister)", knowing it's me, and he didn't care im sick. Every time I try to talk to him it screems and hearing it, especially how well it's talking now, and how it drained the life of MY mother, is killing me. I know im the b1tch and "it's reality" but God i tried everything but this kid is my Vietnam.

Edit : Why is everyone talking about me getting a job when i wrote this in search of help for my trigger? I feel judged

[RS1974]

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. First question why are depending on your mom to pay your health insurance. Aren't you adult able to take care of yourself?

[Celtic18 in reply to RS1974]

I'm sorry but what's it got to do with you there are possibly good reasons why her mum pays her health insurance you don't know the persons age or circumstances think before you speak !

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Celtic18]

Thank you for understanding. Finally

[No_Longer_Human in reply to RS1974]

I tried so hard to find a job but it never works out. People, even older than me don't work because of mental health. And i have physical illnesses too. I am doing my best to get disability status and this will free me from health insurance. Hope i make it. I guess im a failure as an adult

[Celtic18 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

😄Your welcome some people open there mouth before thinking thank God the majority of people don't judge others maybe she might come back and apologise but I doubt it keep going

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Celtic18]

Thank you so much. All the understanding

[Celtic18 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Your welcome x

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Celtic18]

That's the problem with the word WHY? It always sounds judgemental. The writer probably didn't mean it quite that way - although they might have - and that's the problem with the written word, as we all know. Don't ask WHY? Ask What is the reason ...? How is it that ....? Please, people - if you want to help, just avoid that word!

[Ticktick in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Hang in there No Longer Human God bless you

[CLB1125 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

You are not a failure. You are trying. We don’t always succeed in what we try to do but we learn from it.

[casablancalover14 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I hope things will start to get better for you. The person who suggested the youtube podcasts has a great idea. I might even try them myself. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

Are you working, even part time?

If not, please look for a job

[No_Longer_Human in reply to LazyXrayEyes2255]

I tried. I almost got an ulcer. I want to work but i start puking. Also I don't see how this would help with my situation

[LazyXrayEyes2255 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

have you talked about it to your therapist or counsellor?

[No_Longer_Human in reply to LazyXrayEyes2255]

Im too poor to have a real therapist, i just find free counselling here and there, but they gaslight me into working. I try and i get sick again

[Zyxx in reply to LazyXrayEyes2255]

How do you know getting a job would be possible for her or is good for her at this point? You don’t ask, you tell her - “please get a job”.

Ask her things (but don’t make her answer to you or defend herself); don’t tell her what to do as if you were her parent.

[CLB1125]

Im sorry you are feeling judged. People tell you to look for work because you ask what you should do. In normal circumstances people your age would leave home and live on their own not expecting their parents to pay for everything they need anymore But your situation is different.

From your recent posts it’s evident your mom also needs help. You can’t expect help from someone who also has mental health issues. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, she hasn’t been able to accept her divorce in a healthy way. She therefore is not able to help you in the ways you need.

For reasons unknown your father has cut himself off from you and your family. Accepting that and not expecting anything from him may help you to not be traumatized by him and his child any longer. It’s not an easy thing to do with someone you love, but sometimes certain people trigger you and stand in the way of your mental health.

I hope nothing Ive said has upset you. You ask for help and people are really trying to help you. But we only know the parts of your life you have shared. So we can only go on those parts.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to CLB1125]

This made me really heavy because i have no other option but her and i feel like a monster having her work when you say she's ill

[CLB1125 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I’m sorry if I upset you. She’s your mom and we all depend on our mom’s for help and guidance. I’m sorry that your mom has health problems but she is the only one who can decide for her to get the help she needs. Maybe you can find a way to help each other.

[Haribo58]

Your clearly having a real tough time right now and contrary to some of the other replies you've had I would suggest you need to be in a better head space before considering taking on a job. Slow down and breathe...your heads probably racing...be patient with yourself. If funds are unavailable for therapist try youtubes self help podcasts...I can honestly say that when my anxiety and depression was in full force and I was paralysed with fear and overloaded with emotions I couldn't handle I turned to youtube and watched lots of podcasts from anxiety specialist's and fellow sufferers...it became my go to to place and was ultimately a life saver for me, i eventually was able to take courses on anxiety and this helped towards my recovery. There's relaxation videos...how to manage mental heath...tips and advice from therapists...the list is endless so it's a good starting point to get some quick relief to enable you to just take a step back from all these triggers...to relax enough to allow your brain to get alittle more focused. As for your family issues...no matter how much or why you may disapprove it won't change them simply because that's their choice of lifestyle...you need to focus on yourself...imagine someone you truly cared for came to you for help...how would you treat them? would you be kind and caring? would you comfort them? would you try and support them as best you could and show them love?....well that's exactly how you should be treating yourself...be kind to yourself and realise you deserve self love....xx

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Haribo58]

Thanks. I'm not well enough to work. But im pushed to the edge. I need someone immediate relief like you said

[MaggieSylvie]

Remember that kid won't scream forever; just hang in there. Things can only get better, but not today. Ask your dad to take the phone out of his house when he calls you.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Thanks but how can I ask. Also im worried that the more it grows, the worse it gets. She will need more attention and funds and she will understand he's talking with me and might feel jealous or sabotage me on purpose. As if she didn't ruin my life already. She might find out i don't like her, dad's not emotionally intelligent and would tell her. Sabotaging me on purpose would be even worse

[bethelbee in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Good advice from MaggieSylvie to ask your dad to take your call outside. The kid will not scream forever, try not to worry what may or may not happen with the child in the future. Just try to deal with the here and now as best you can. Take care!

[No_Longer_Human in reply to bethelbee]

How to ask him to go outside to talk so his family doesn't bother?

[bethelbee in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Just come right out and say 'dad, it would help me if when we talk on the phone, you would take the call outside so we're not interrupted. I would appreciate it'. Hopefully he would have the respect to do that.

[CLB1125 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

You needn’t worry so much about the future and the what ifs. You seem to have a preconceived notion this child will be your down fall. She is a mere child and doesn’t understand all the troubles of your family. Don’t blame her for the actions of adults.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to CLB1125]

Ah everyone defending her

[CLB1125 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Because she is a defenseless little child. She knows nothing about her father’s problems or yours. She only thinks of eating, sleeping and playing.

[bethelbee in reply to No_Longer_Human]

We're just defending the child because she is only a child and isn't old enough to know what's going on and know who to like or not like on her own. Isn't she only a baby or a toddler?

[No_Longer_Human in reply to bethelbee]

She was born in the beginning on 2021. She said "kaka" meaning "older sister" so she knew dad was talking with me even though she has never seen me in person. If it's all unconscious okay, but I'm scared if she wants to separate me from him. My psychiatrist said i am getting sick because i want his attention and believe me i hate puking around like a pregnant cat (he's a vet)

[MaggieSylvie]

For some time now, you can expect to be triggered every time you phone your dad. I feel the only way to stop the triggering is to be prepared for it and do some self-talk. It's just a noise, an annoying noise, but also - why is your dad phoning you when the baby is in that frame of mind? If you're phoning him, you can always say "I'll phone you later when you've got a bit of peace and quiet." And phone him after baby bedtime.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

He called me. He usually hungs up pretending he has nothing more to tell me

[MaggieSylvie in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Perhaps he hasn't. Do you find it easy to talk to your father? Do you have much in common besides the fact he's your father?

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I'm really anxious and ashamed talking to him. And triggered talking with other family. We can only talk about history and videogames and boyish stuff and only if he's here. Eince he moved, it's really hard to find common ground. He's also tired from his new job i guess. I ask whether he still goes fishing, he just says no. I ask if he still plays our videogame, he says no, i ask how's the war going and he either demonstrates how ignorant i am or his kid starts screaming

[MaggieSylvie in reply to No_Longer_Human]

It sounds as if he has issues. He may be exhausted due to family life and his job. He may even be depressed. The questions you ask him are closed questions - requiring an answer of yes or no. Use open questions - Who, What, Where, When, How? When did you last ask him how he is, how the baby is coming on, how he spends his time now that he has moved away? How is work? What does he do when at work? Don't ask them all one after the other. One open question (and give him time to reply) might lead you to a good conversation where you can find some common ground.

I'm not judging you; I'm just suggesting different ways of making a connection - with anyone, not just your father. I would start with HOW, as it's the softest question, and don't ask Why anything, if you can help it.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Thank you for clarifying, it's actually a good idea. I usually ask how is he, has he found a fishing spot or something about his hobbies but he is shut down and in hurry or the kid is screaming. I had quite a new talk with him when he shared he has vivid dreams. I asked what were they but he didn't reply. We used to chat a lot about history, politics and videogames as the emotionally closeted nerd we are. I really enjoyed letting him speak and being in awe. I also call asking for medical advice and reassurance but I actually just want to hear him. Till i say "i miss you" he has hanged. Well, I won't take it personal, i just don't want to be forgotten. After everything he did to me, i still need him bad. All my feed is full of history stuff because i miss him.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to No_Longer_Human]

You must have been quite close. I never missed my father when I didn't see him for days on end, but I think my mum was upset quite a lot, especially when he didn't turn up for school performances, teacher/parent days and all that. Actually, if you put yourself in your father's shoes, he probably feels so guilty about what he has done, both between you and to his family in general. His new partner probably feels responsible as well and feels her own guilt. They may not even be getting on very well now that they have stepped away, as no partnership is free from disharmony.

Perhaps your last two sentences need to be said to him; he needs to accept what he has done and accept that despite everything (and I don't know what he did to you), you still miss him. I wonder whether you could exchange photos on your phones, i.e. the fishing spot and any changes in your appearance since you last saw him. It's a terrible situation; perhaps he just wants to forget his first family, but that's not healthy. Don't forget to ask open questions. "Have you got a fishing spot?" isn't really an open question when he can just answer "Yes" and that's all. "Where do you go fishing?" might open up a conversation. You can just keep prodding until he accepts that you are part of his present as well as his history.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

"wants to forget his first family" litterary made me puke. I don't think he's having problems with his new partner neither that he realises what he do nor feel guilty. And for her the chances are even smaller. I wish they realised but they don't. You're empathizing with him too much. It got me so triggered that everyone does that, that i got an ulcer and no doctor cares cause of my mental problems he caused

[MaggieSylvie in reply to No_Longer_Human]

OH, I am SO sorry! I didn't mean to trigger you at all and I wasn't empathising with him; i was looking for reasons he might be brushing you off. Because it does sound as if that's what he's doing. He doesn't want to get into deep discussions with you. That's what it sounds like. It's up to you but it also doesn't seem as if these phone calls are helping you much.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

This is breaking my heart. The idea he doesn't want me or wants his new family and to forget his old one. I hope he's just stressed from the new city and new job and it's not about me

[MaggieSylvie in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I hope it's only a temporary state of affairs. When will you speak to him again?

[No_Longer_Human in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I don't know. Now im scared to

[MaggieSylvie in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Your fear will pass, or you can wait for him to call you.

[Alpakka123]

Hi sweetheart,

It's nice that you called your dad. I'm sorry he didn't respond the way you wanted, but remember that we have no control over how others respond to us. Neither can we know the inner reactions that others have. Males stereotypically have a harder time with emotions and expressing them for some reason. I'll use my dad as an example. When I call him and ask how he's doing, I always get "I'm fine". Experience has taught me to then go to one of my brothers right afterwards and ask them if dad's okay. And guess what answer I get from them? I get, "I'm not sure. All I know is he's doing this and this and it's not like him to do this and that and I have no idea what's going on and it's complicated and I've learned not to ask so please just go with it. All I can tell you for sure is he appreciates hearing from us".

My dad re-married several months after mom passed. It was traumatic. I found out in a pretty traumatic way, tbh. He was eventually forthcoming about his relationship, but it wasn't without first confusing the heck out of his children and siblings. We started getting notifications from him that he had taken up bird-watching. I remember calling my aunt (his sister) and saying, "ok, what the hell is going on here? Dad hasn't watched a bird in his life!!" and her responding, "Beats the heck out of me. I'm wanting to know the same thing. I just got off the phone with our brother, and he wants to know as well". (It turns out that his new wife bird-watches).

How's it going at the youth center you're going to (is that what that is)? I think that's really awesome, btw! You are getting out of the house, and doing things that bring you joy. We all need that. In fact, I'm just about to get out of the house myself. Talk later!

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

Hi dear. My dad's favourite scapegoat - whenever i show any emotion he tells me "men bad at emotions oonga boonga, let's talk about politics and war". Oh im so sorry about what happened to you. I think we need hugs. More than than. My brain isn't working. Maybe im becoming a male. I actually got a break from the youth centre because i have to go to the "mental health centre" aka the barracks (i will post some pictures of the place) and it was so scary that I'm crying now. I pissed my mom and im really scared for her life. I am already broken, I won't be able to bear that insane trauma. Big hugs to you for it and i feel so bad. You're so amazing. I'm really scared recently about her.

[Alpakka123 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I'm sorry, but I really had to laugh at your fear of becoming a male. I assure you that you aren't becoming a male.

It's very nice of you to be worried for your mom. I can tell that you care about her very much. Please remember though, that you can't help her. She has to help herself, and the first step to doing that is to want help.

I'll tell you something my pastor told me when I met with her a couple weeks ago. She said "that's not my job and neither is it yours" (during Christmas, I had emailed and asked her to make sure someone I care about has a good Christmas). And she's right! It's not her job to make sure someone has a good Christmas, and it's not my job to take on that burden of worrying whether someone will have a good Christmas. The only person who needs to worry about that is that person! We are each responsible for our own lives, and not the lives of others! The only job I have is to take care of myself, the only job you have is to take care of yourself, etc.

And please don't feel bad. I am okay with his new relationship now.

Thank you, and big hugs to you as well!!

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

Thank you so much dear! I really needed to hear those words. Tbh i was worried ideals are changing and that we used to care about people especially in religion but this helped me see my worries are kind but not doing me any favour. Im having panic attacks all day, unable to wash my dishes or eat, and im sitting here, worrying about what mom and grandma think about our last conversations on the phone. And don't be sorry - i love to make people laugh. In a better world i would be a comedian