My head is full of angry voices spewed toward me as I’m recalling while walking in the woods I’m away but I feel like he is wrapped around me telling me how terrible I am strangling my already soft voice saying it was a mistake and I’m sorry I feel horrible I’m so stupid and now that makes me cry snd I don’t want to get back in the car even though it’s dark now I don’t want to face my family. If he had made the same mistake I would try to make him feel better but he tried to make me feel worse. I call him a jerk finally. The accident was my fault not his but I meant no harm. But I did take responsibility and I tried fixing it the best I could. He acts like he hates me then. He calls me a jerk back and I am one maybe. I think I’ll stay here all night to cry it all out by myself and the trees snd the owls and crickets. I am hurting so badly. Things have been so stressful lately and I try my best like always and it’s never been good enough. I could say hey that’s his thing i can see myself differently but I’m so embarrassed and I do think I’m a looser and not good enough to live for much longer and I think it’s some of the people around me and the past experiences with toxic people that make me feel that way. Being in the woods at night feels safer than being home. I seriously want to to sleep here but my kids would worry. You guys I’m so sorry I feel so sucky right now snd I’ve been so strong and I’m realizing I’m still strong as sucky as I feel I know that even though I feel so much pain like there must be a way to a path that gets me on a different better way but you know I don’t like being poorly treated and I don’t want to make up with my husband. I want to be here now and that’s all. It helps me to write to you friends who have an understanding... many of you are very sensitive like me, have suffered trauma, and struggle like me, and are in the midst of a hard time like me. I feel really really ashamed and terrible about myself and it hits way back to when I was a kid and did some mistake and got in big trouble... when I should have been hugged and seen and loved. ..there’s a lot here I’m processing and healing from and trying to stay strong. I am wanting to die right now. Something deep inside my chest wants that. The heart that hurts too much. But I love my kids too much. So here I go on and on when I really don’t ant to at all .... my life is so messy right now.... so so messy... omg I’m sitting on a log snd so far only a nettle has come onto my bag to say hello. I hear crickets and some chirping that is very loud and I have no idea what they are. It’s 8:30 pm I guess I’m not supposed to be here and normally I’d leave but I need here now. I feel like this nature is keeping me sane and I dred going home. This feels more like home to me right now. I feel peace like love is surrounding me when I go home I feel negativity from my father and husband and i feel very scared to even walk past my husband. Strong. I’ll try to be. There’s no good right reason why I should have to feel that way- none! Thanks for listening. Oh and so basically I made a mistake with money and lost like close to $100 i know he worked hard for it but what’s done is done and if he loves me he cares for my feelings more that letting his anger hurt me so. Maybe he has issues maybe he doesn’t love me like the way I thought like how I imagined i think we are both sensitive souls but the thing is he needs time and then he’s pretty good whereas I am devastated like it ruins everything for me in a bit permanently like it really sticks to my heart and I takes time to heal and I can’t trust people. Ok now it’s 8:40 woods are nice not getting kicked out yet.
Heavy heart but nice nature to go to - Anxiety and Depre...
Heavy heart but nice nature to go to
Simply hugs in time of pain sure he loves u
Thank you so Picklepickle I like you name
Thanks I get myself into a pickle inbox if u want to chat xxx
😆 I’m in my driveway now can’t get myself to go in ha! Thanks for the offer
Ok inbox u
You deserve to be here, you’re caring sweet thoughtful , a mother, your babies adore you. Your husband should know no one is perfect he could’ve made that mistake too, I know times are stressful and sometimes in the heat of the moment some words get said so hopefully he will apologize
I think I am always the only one apologizing it seems. Yeah exactly he could have made the mistake then it would go differently I would be there for him trying to make him not feel badly about the mistake that’s why I called him a jerk because he kept on with reason after reason why I shouldn’t have made the mistake and how he worked for that money just really yelling at me snd I just felt trapped and small and so sad then the anger shot out before I let the house.
I inbox u but I'm sure given time he will cool down it will be ok, with effort try to slowly repay money cut down on treats go careful sure it could be done hugs, go in sort it you'll be ok
He behaved like one so you were right to call him that, I’m sorry but hun you have to go inside behind out so late might give you a cold you don’t have to talk to him but go in
Thank you
He shouldn't hang the $ over your head. Tell him to get over it, you are human you make mistakes. I'm sure he works hard but he doesn't have to disrespect you.
❤️🐬
Thank you sweet friend love ya ❤️ After getting so angry he forgives it and acts like it never happened. So that’s good. Now I have to stop thinking about it too. I felt so stupid.
You are far from stupid. Now he has moved on and you are still thinking about it. I do the same thing. Hopefully as the day goes on you can move past this.
❤️🐬
True
I’m outside listening to music it’s soothing
Drive and music always good it's night in UK swop u for a snoreing husband when u feel anxious and just want to sleep no spare room😆😆😆😆
😂
He sleeps heavy but it's like a whale grunting😂😂😂😂oh wish was a straight forward chat group on here😆😆😆😆
I like the feeling of having worth. I am trying to feel some.
U have worth hunny u are a mum god that in itself is huge☺️
Thank you
My pleasure, u need sleep to go in sort in morning and update me tomorrow Eve with a update thinking of u my friend xxx Charlotte xxxx
🫂 I'm sorry hun & here for you- anytime. My heart goes out to you. I hope you are safe... the break in nature sounds nice. Give yourself the space you need... let you both cool off. Hug the kiddos & know you are loved & valued.
Thanks beautiful Mel! Yes the nature is what got me through it abd you guys.
💗 Hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Dear sweet girl, you made a mistake. You only made a mistake. You see your children make mistakes. I know what a good mother you are: you help them learn from them. You let them know they are loved.
Precious Starrlight, it is always easier to show others love and caring than it is to show it to ourselves.
Your post is sad, beautiful, graceful and touching. As are you -- right now.
I am so sorry you're scared of your husband. I understand all too well. You're right, so many of us here are sensitive creatures, too sensitive to be manhandled. Not plow horses, beautiful precious race horses, ready to run for all we're worth when we're safe and cared for. Agitated and unsure when mistreated.
Message me when and if you like; I'll be thinking of you. Be safe.
Thank you my amazing friend. I’m not scared of him now. What’s more scary is how I let myself feel about myself. But I’m working on it. ❤️
I'm glad you're feeling better today.
((((⭐️))))
Don't ever feel you can't share your feelings here. So many people care about you.
Sometimes trying to brush off all the pain isn't easy. We can only be strong for so long. These feelings are deeply engrained in us. We have deep scars on our heart.
I'm afraid for you being out in the woods alone in the dark. Ironically I walk in the dark in the early morning and never worry about myself.
How are you feeling today?
❤️🐬
Hi 🐬 ❤️ feel kind of strong today and still dumb for making a dumb mistake but I feel more like me , not scared of anyone or anything. There’s still a tender spot. Thanks for checking in on me. How are you today? ❤️ ⭐️
I can only speak for myself but my past history dictates how I react to a mistake. My head was bit off when I was young. I tried to remain under the radar.... don't make a mistake and no one will have a fit.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Do something fun today 
I'm good ty. Back in my happy place.
❤️🐬
Me too let’s both go to our happy places ❤️ ⭐️
P.s. you’re so right the feelings which for me are so sensitive are ingrained into us. Deep scars yes.
I think fun will be more nature. You?
Yes get out there. That's what I consider fun. A nice walk.
❤️🐬
True
((((⭐️))))
Yaaay
Remember, feelings are not facts
Hope u are ok today xxx
I am thank you so much!!!!! At times I find myself beating myself up but then I stop and am kind to myself instead like a friend would be. How are you?
Hoping that you are feeling better today. Nature is very soothing to me as well.
How are you Livelydively?
I’m only seeing your words now. I will read them again. Sometimes I feel the woods are calling me. Even if there’s darkness and it’s not safe- they call me. Exactly as you describe. Scary but safer than home. I will gladly send you 100 to make what you are experiencing go away. Please don’t be ashamed. You did nothing shameful. They are trying to shame you. Im so sad people near you are acting disrespectful. People damage others rather than giving kindness. No wonder we run to the woods
Thank you for your understanding and kindness I really need to hear that. Another similar incident happened and I will write in a new thread about it
My wife can be so cruel if I make a mistake. She can go on and on about how awful the mistake was. Meanwhile, she and my daughter were away from me for one night -- one night! -- and they forgot to give my daughter her medicine, so she had a seizure. My wife is always accusing me of causing anxiety because I'm vigilant about my daughter's safety, always check that she takes her medicine, and sleep by a seizure camera and get wakened four or five times a night when she's just rolling over. But I do it to keep her safe. And one night when I'm not there -- one night! -- my wife's inability to take this seriously leads to a seizure.
And I did not get angry with her at all. I didn't say one word about how she should have been more careful, that she should take this more seriously. All I could think of was how ashamed she must be, how guilty she must feel, and how could I add to that? How could I make her feel worse about what she did to her own precious child? I couldn't.
But the reverse isn't true. Any mistake I make is picked over and ridiculed and lamented until I break, and lash out in defense.
One thing that seems to be helping is my meditation. I'm not sure if it plus my new ADHD meds mean that I'm making fewer mistakes, or if it's that when she starts being nasty I can sidestep it and diffuse the situation. Maybe it's both. But things are getting a little better. And she can tell. She's used my meditation app three or four times now. (She's the one who needs it far more than I, but I'm never going to say that.)
But one thing that I can maybe see in myself -- she's the one that pointed it out to me -- is that whenever anything goes wrong I immediately take responsibility. I feel guilty for all sorts of things that I didn't have any part in. So sometimes I feel 90% awful for something that might partly be my fault, and probably isn't a big deal, and if she sounds even a little bit critical then it's like she's completely unloading on me and making me feel so bad.
But I've been saying sorry for stuff that I didn't need to since I was a kid. I remember when I was about 10 my alcoholic father and sister teasing me about how I said I was sorry all the time, and so I said, "I'm sorry!" I'm not sure I ever quit feeling responsible for all the awful things that happened to us -- because if it were my fault then I didn't have to realize how awful my parents were, how badly they were mistreating us, and how victimized and angry I had the right to be feeling. Because feeling guilty for my errors was a much more powerful feeling than feeling persecuted and unloved. It meant I could control my dad's drinking if I just got my head on straight. It meant that my mom would stop telling me she wished I was never born if I just figured things out and used my power better. It meant I felt I had good parents, and I just needed to change myself.
Which is maybe a long-winded way of saying that if I don't feel extraordinarily guilty all the time, then someone else's petty accusations don't seem so bad to me. They seem like the petty little inconsequentialities they are. They seem like the fault of the person making them, and that's a reason for me to be miffed, or maybe even amused, but not tormented.
I don't know if that happens to you.
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