Just be

[Starrlight]

Life is busy for me. Go go go loud noises coming in going out But as I sit here alone in complete strange quiet as I ponder why I’m so depressed I realize I don’t honestly think I’ll make it to death without taking my life some day. I think about it so much. Every day. I hold off because of love... and because of fear... my love for others especially my beautiful angels. My fear for others well being and my own well being. I feel like I am so small. Yet my being so needed now. But not forever. Some day something something will happen , where I will have access to a way out, an accident or a sickness or maybe I will just say f it. My reality is changing. My love I feel it so strong that I push very hard yet it is attached to what makes me so sad at the same time when I have to acknowledge all the hate and I am so depressed right now it’s gotten to me and drained me of strength. If it were not for my babies I would start planning to see if it would be indeed an option for me. I feel I don’t belong. I feel trapped. I feel like I need to get up to fly away and never look back, except for that there is a very real abd strong. connection that I have in my soul that tells me who I am snd to hold onto hope, light, to the colors of life, to the voice that will bring me out of the hole I fell into when I was busy. Now I sit trying to figure it all out. As I sigh I know I need to just exhale and let go but oh how I want to leave this space that I’ve made up so I will have to make a new reality. Where to start. Look straight forward. Stand tall. Go. Don’t get caught up in miseries of regret or past hurt don’t worry about what it will all come to mean in the end, just be. ❤️

[hypercat54]

You have suicide ideation Starrlight. There is nothing wrong with this as many have it too, including me. The important thing is that you will probably never do it - like me. It is a comfort blanket though isn't it?

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

Hi I don’t know if I will or not. Defidently not today. If I am in enough pain and all is well with my family like I feel they can let go of me and I can let go as well I will do it. I care for my mom with Alzheimer’s and do I see and hate what it does and I will not go through that I have decided without a doubt so if i start to go I will have an accident. It is comforting yes.

[JohnPB]

I can relate to your sharing. About 4 years ago, I hoped I would not live to an old age. I felt like my life sucked, and I wished I could be someone else. By God's grace, I am still here. Fortunately, my several suicide attempts were not successful. I lost my job, home, and relationships with my wife, son and daughter, but I am pressing on to getting better emotionally. I am doing better now and hope to live to an old age and in good health. The pace of life is overwhelming at times. I suggest that you go outside at night and look at the starlight. I find it peaceful to gaze at the stars, especially on a quiet night. Who knows how your life might be in the future? Hopefully, you will have days that are like being in nature, enjoying the beauty, peace and quiet. I am still here because of God's grace and am thankful for it.

[Starrlight in reply to JohnPB]

You are determined and brave.

[JohnPB in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks for your encouraging words.👍

[Nothing_but_books]

I hear you. I understand more than you'll ever know.

I'll never tell you there's no reason to contemplate escaping. I can't find it in myself, and I won't BS you.

But the legacy...

Remembering, always remembering losing a loved one to suicide.

I know how much love you have in you. And strength to inspire both of us.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. If there's anything I can do, anytime, please ask.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

The pain just keeps growing. I am having serious thoughts of dying but that would ruin lives. But it’s my life. They would suffer and never forget. It’s wrong but I never asked to be born.

[Nutshell9 in reply to Starrlight]

Hey Starr it’s me….my reason for returning to this place is that it is the only connection with other suicidal people I have. Just reading all of the “keep going it will all make sense” some day feedback makes me irritable and ache. If you simply become enraged at comparisons…if you are absolutely sick of people telling you the answer that doesn’t help….Please know that I hear you.

I feel that shit friend.

And I am right there with you flipping middle fingers to the cosmos wondering why some of us just cannot find relief.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….how do you explain the yearning for death to someone who doesn’t also yearn it.

I hear you friend🙏❤️

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Nutshell9]

That fateful finger needs another name. The birds don't hold it all inside until the anger and pain bursts out. Let's flip something else. Any suggestions for a better name? How 'bout flipping someone a gator?

I hear you too, Nutshell. It's good to be here, where we can be understood.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

No sweet girl. In this "vale of tears" we know what it is to hurt. Some people have "good times and noodle salad". (As Good As It Gets, one of my favorite movies.) We struggle.

I can't tell you how many times, when I am as low as I can get, I go back to your old posts. You have inspired me time and again with your ability to make it through. I don't know anything about spirituality and meditation, but I know how many times you've helped me survive.

[Roxylox in reply to Starrlight]

None of us ever asked to be born, that doesn't mean we should give up either. Can we not make the most of our positives?

[Mrspjsmom]

I often plan in my mind a way to run away from my current reality. Where I would go. What my new home would look like. Would I change my name and start over? Would I cut ties with everyone? I think this helps distract me from my pain for awhile. Then slowly I look around me and think of what things I would miss. The world is mean and crazy now. Everyone seems to be rude and looking for an argument. All that makes me feel even worse. Hang on to what you love when you can. Even if it's for a brief moment in time. This is what feeds our soul.

[Starrlight in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Yeah I feelLike people around me are so negative and I fight so hard but I’m drained. I’m in so much anguish and now I’m caught up in the negativity too. I don’t want to be around any one any longer. I just want to be alone on earth. I would choose to go to heaven with my brother grandparents and their roses. I would cut ties with almost everyone I know here on earth.

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Starrlight]

Try to take some quiet time by yourself to recharge. That's what I have been doing all day. Might do it tomorrow too.

[Starrlight in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Yes good idea. ❤️

[Roxylox]

I 'm saddened and I'm puzzled by your post. I don't know of what sadness you speak, or past hurts, l don't know if you posted about them previously. You somehow don't seem to be in such a bad place now, thus l'm puzzled .

I would urge you to consider the fact that, no matter what age your children might be if you eventually give into these urges they would be left feeling bereft, puzzled and possibly guilty. There are no plusses in that permanent solution.

Sorry if l come across as blunt.

[Starrlight in reply to Roxylox]

I did not post about what I’m going through. I know what you mean though. Going through with with such a thing would be terrible I know. I was in a very bad place when I wrote that yesterday. I have bipolar and some things happened that really hurt and I had to cut ties with my sister and I keep getting barely any sleep but that’s no excuse to want to die but those were my real feelings and if you don’t understand that’s ok. Leaving the loves of my life at any age is uncalled for and I’m ashamed and you are right and I’m wrong but I feel I couldn’t help that I felt it. I just did. But today is a new day and I will fight hard.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

You were not wrong, Starrlight, and you should never, ever feel ashamed for writing down how you feel in the given moment. This is how we heal. ❤️

[Roxylox in reply to Starrlight]

I have only seen this post now. Think it's from this morning. Didn't have phone on then 'cos was driving daughter to part-time job , then shopping.

I also have bipolar, but have been lucky enough to have had only 2 major episodes 25 years apart and only had a msjor low attached to one of those. I would not like to hit that low again.

Getting barely any sleep can play hell with us and is indeed an excuse for feeling very, very miserable. I will not forget that feeling. Had that problem big-time on both episodes .

Family issues can be very hurtful. During the time last year after I gave up my job l overheard my elder sister say to the others that it could havr been my fault and a few other things too.

I was both hurt and angry, but decided to say nothing. She can be good in other ways. I'm pretty glad l kept silent, but the hurt l'm afraid will never go away.

I know she often sees me as just an embarrassment, even though l know she does care about me at the same time.

My other sister and l have more of a rapport. My husband thinks that's'cos she's nearer my age. The eldest is thirteen years older than me.

I suppose if the rift with your sister is caused by a serious issue, then you are better off apart. Either way, l wish you everything good, you deserve the very best.

[Sillysausage234]

It’s ok …to not feel ok ⭐️

[Starrlight in reply to Sillysausage234]

Thanks yes it’s ok thanks for understanding

[Purpledreamer in reply to Starrlight]

I was thinking the same thing- the way you feel is not a decision so please don’t waste a second feeling guilty. Feelings are just there or they aren’t like a cloud. X x x

[XoxoFaith]

Iam here for you friend Iam also struggling each day

[Starrlight in reply to XoxoFaith]

Thank you for understanding

[Hidden]

The most beautiful rocks are those that have weathered the storm ~

You are a beautiful person dear Starrlight. I want you to know this. ❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for seeing something good in me when I feel I’m so terrible.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

There is only good in you, Starrlight. 💕

💙 snow ❄️

[Celtic27]

Hi starlight I'm glad your still with us and have a reason to continue to being so! I will admit I've had the same thoughts but I to have a dear wife, siblings and friends they give me the reason for carrying on please carry on with the love of your family and friends God bless you all the best david 🙏🙏🙏

[Starrlight in reply to Celtic27]

I will I was just having a meltdown I feel so guilty for it thank you for being here for me. I’m glad you are still here too. God bless you too my friend. I’m glad you are here.

[Amaya07]

Your post is pulling on my heart strings

I feel your pain. I feel you as I live through these same things in a different way.

i pray 🙏 you and I both stay strong so we can get well and feel joyous again.❤

[Starrlight in reply to Amaya07]

Yes! We will! What do you feel would help you? I know there are some things I need to do to change the way I’m feeling. Yes let’s stay strong together! ❤️

[4Penny]

So hard for anyone to live this way...I grew up in a single parent home with a clinically depressed mother. I have been depressed throughout the years but this past summer things got really bad..thinking like you.. when I wake up I think how great it'll be when I get to go to bed again...I have a job and two sweet granddaughters I get to visit..I've been on prozac and welbutrin for years and years and am asking my medical doctor to try something new for me hoping for relief. I see a psychologist, it helps a bit. How old are your babies? Pls try to hang in there for them. We can get better. I'm on your side. Please write me back and let me know how your day is going...sandy

[Starrlight in reply to 4Penny]

Hey Sandy! That’s great you have a job and granddaughters! I had a great day with family and friends for my son’s birthday. I got depressed from time to time but I tried to just focus on him and enjoying watching him enjoy his day. I took some pictures. So fun. I hope you find the right med for you. Let’s keep in touch and support each other. I plan to exercise tomorrow morning. It has always helped in the past I just got out of the habit. How old are your granddaughters?

[Hidden]

I understand the way you feel. I thought taking my life was the only way to escape my pain. Thankfully, I couldn’t do it! I realized later on that I was leaving to escape my toxic relationships. I don’t need to leave this earth and the people that value me. I need to let go of the toxic people. I left my entire family. No contact. I have to save myself and this is the only way for me. It has been so difficult 😞 but I see a little the light at the end of that frikin tunnel again 😇😃❤️ you’re a valued and a beautiful person who deserves to be happy 😃✌️❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Wow yeah I hear ya! What a huge step you made; great job! My father and sister are toxic and sick. The rest of my family are great so I am distancing myself from the ones that hurt me and spending good quality time with the ones who treat me well. I’m glad you see the light and thank you I think you are beautiful too!

[Starrlight]

It’s nice getting to know you too, LunaSkye I think I have to change a few things like meds and sleep and I’ll be alright. I also had stopped my exercise routine that I plan to get back to. Love to you ❤️ thanks for being here.