I am bottling some of it. My thoughts and visions are haunting and though it’s not who I am it is shaping my behavior. And as comfortable as I have felt here I can’t talk about certain things to anyone. I’m too embarrassed, as I try to not care what people think. As I try to pretend I’m strong right now. I’m really slipping. Why so often? What is wrong here? Sometimes I don’t care. What others think. I wish that was now.
In a way keeping it feels lonely but also not too exposed.
I can’t trust myself right now. And I can barely trust the present and defiantly am not getting along with past and future. And neither do I trust anyone. I feel like I’m slipping through safety and beauty and being hurled into a world of monstrous scenarios that will claw at me at any minute. Just waiting. Unsettled. Guilty. Still trying. Part of me still endlessly working to heal as I make a mess of myself.
I feel like no one can understand. I feel terribly wrong and I’m not waking up. I hate living this suffering. Suicidal ideation. More guilt on top because of that way of thinking. Too scared to call anyone for help. I just can’t right now.
Written by
Starrlight
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Nothing is wrong with you. You’re dealing with a changing brain.
One on one counseling should allow you to say what you want. You’re paying for it.
We aren’t always strong. In our weakness we see how we survived and we reach for it.
Suicidal ideation is a feeling. You want it all to go away. You want it off your body like muddy clothes. The problem is that if you take off those muddy clothes the person we love disappears. We’re all stuck with muddy clothes. We all wear them. You’re not alone.
Guilt? Why? You did nothing wrong. It’s a reaction. I’m guessing you have ptsd and no trauma therapist.
You must get it out from inside and let the light burn it away. Until then it commands your life. This may not be the format but anywhere you say it is good. Do you have numbers to call? Do you know that you can go online now for certain things for free and join a group that pertains to you?
Send a message with your dilemma and where you’re located if I’m right and I’ll find it for you.
I can relate to this chaos you are feeling. I refer to this as opening Pandora's box. It happens when I start ruminating and going inwards. I read that once you start thinking a negative thought, that this leads to another and to another until all you have is a brain lit up full of horrible scenarios, notions and memories. Once you think of one thing, your brain kindly opens up a whole negative network of memories and situations that all start firing at once. The memories or ideas may not be connected at all but the brain will connect them simply because they are all negative in some way.
You see, your brain's main job is to keep the body alive by sort of predicting all the time what will happen next. One thing that depressed and anxious people have in common is that feeling of always being on alert which sends the brain into overdrive. Mostly your brain will focus its predictions on past events and learned behaviour. Hence the issues I have with gambling addiction. I feel upset......my brain says I should gamble because of the high it gets. It is technically trying to help me, but it gets this part wrong. Circuits are hard wired sometimes and can take a lot of work to break them. I remember that gambling hurt me but my brain remembers only the high. For my brain, gambling is still a positive solution to my suffering.
If you are here on this forum, then you will know all to well how your brain perceives the everyday threat you feel. It's the overwhelming state of anxiety that grips us all. It tells our heart to race, our chest to tighten and our breathing to speed up to prepare for a danger that our brain perceives to exist, whether real or otherwise.
Often, the problem with this is that the brain tries to make sure all these situations are dealt with in advance so it tends to predict fear and panic and create a whole load of anxiety designed to make you think about your actions.
All of these predictions create our moods. The mood it creates may not be the mood we actually feel but the mood that our brains think we need to feel in order to deal with the situation. So you briefly do something that reminds you of a stressful event. You have experienced a trigger. You push it away and try to dismiss it but your brain sends you the signal to breathe fast, your heart to race and your mood becomes agitated and on edge. Even though you have dismissed the connection, your brain decides that you should still react badly and fear and panic take over.
Emotions are like your brain's best guess really and because it's always ahead of what's actually going on, it can feel like you are a runaway train....like you are out of control and overwhelmed and that's simply because your brain is not dealing with what's actually happening now, it's dealing in advance with one possible outcome which may never happen! It takes the sensations we are feeling and then creates a possible scenario which leads to a reaction which for us, is usually a whole heap of negative emotion and anxiety that we don't know how to process, and this is because it isn't based on what's really happening. It's based on what could happen or what may have happened once, decades ago but because it was negative, the response remains stored and ready to put into action.
Take my panic attack of late....I simply had the thought 'oh my chest feels really tight'...then within seconds, I felt pinned to the car seat and my heart was thumping and I ended up spending the evening at A&E. When I experience this tightness again caused by anxiety, my brain remembers the sensation and so I end up having a similar reaction because my brain kindly predicts that this will happen again.
It's partly why we feel like we are losing it because our emotions seem to come out of the blue or out of nowhere sometimes, but they actually don't. Our brains are working hard behind the scenes to create our moods but sometimes, it gets it wrong and the result is a bad attack of anxiety and depression which can lead to OCD to try to control all the chaos.
Hope this helps you.
I find the brain fascinating since working through my gambling addition and it really helped me to take it apart and understand what went so badly wrong for me to do what I did to myself.
don't put it down as a rant star not a big fan of that word its more of an honest true reflection of your feelings.you have plenty of people to talk to and listen and would never judge you.
And don't forget it's a Full Moon...I don't sleep much when that comes around. I don't mind, but, I have to remember that lack of sleep contributes greatly to my depression and anxiety.
You've received some excellent advice today. This info helps me as well
and i'll try to remember and apply it between prayers. When morbid fear and sadness is a part of us, it can be constant .
You already know, and God knows we need to understand why we think the way we do. It's complex, yes but if we view our bodies, brain and life as precious, we cultivate an appreciative spirit.
And we never give up.
It's our sincere prayer that you never reach that point. Reach for peace and happiness
I really appreciate you all. Sorry if I seem distant. It’s because I am in my own little world right now. I’m exhausted by myself, exhausted from life.
I have felt this way so often. Ive made some choices in the past that no one would understand. I go through things that Ive never told anyone. I think it would help to get if off your chest.
Ive been really enjoying learning about you. You can always messege me privately. I will never judge you. But, that is if and when you feel comfortable. Im rooting for you starrlight💫
Want you to feel at peace. Everyone is deserving of love, security and inner peace.
The full moon and change in weather rattle me. Almost as if another layer has been added. Careful who I talk to and what I say. Trying to hold it together and get through the holidays doing something I enjoy. You're not alone. Lately I have been feeling off. At least more so than I usually feel. HUGS!
After reading this article, no wonder I have had such a tough few days. Apparently, I have the darkest star sign and the full moon spells all sorts of drama for me. I have not slept well for a couple of days and felt an emotional tug of war going on. Yesterday, I felt completely ill at ease and had to sit and watch you tube anti anxiety videos to calm me down!
I get it. I get all of what you said. Trying to be strong and feeling yourself slipping. Trying not to care about how people feel but you don’t know how to stop. Others do understand though. I understand. I don’t want to talk about the embarrassing things either. Yet all that stuff I don’t talk about is shaping my behavior exactly as you said. We know the problems so now we just have to keep pushing through. It’s like we are in the middle of the swamp. We either stay in it or we trudge through and get ourselves out of it. We can get ourselves out of it. We will keep giving each other nudges and pushes along the way until we pull ourselves out of this.
Awesome way of describing. Thanks for understanding. I can’t keep doing this. Trudging in and through the swamps. I need a break. Something has got to give as they say. I’m trying not to go out and buy a drink as it will just make things worse after. Using all my willpower. I wish I felt secure. I keep waiting for things to be okay but they never will be in the perfect way I look for. My best friend has always reminded me that things just aren’t perfect. I feel scattered all over the place caring here and there and trying to be blocking some things out that are too hard to deal with but I can’t quite.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Insecurity and overthinking 
