What do you think?

[mom483]

I have a question that I would like input on.

A guy I know has been with a woman for about 5 years now. They are not married and do not have children together. is extremely manipulative. Everything he does is wrong and she is not shy about voicing her displeasure with him. The most recent situation, he was going to a 3 day event with his sister that they had been planning for the past 2 years. Everything was paid for and it was postponed because of covid. The gf told him, "If you go, do not come back." He was fine with that. The relationship had become irreparable and he was waiting for the perfect time to leave. He saw this as his chance.

A few days ago the GF found out she has cancer. Now the guy doesn't want to leave because of how it would look. He also does not want to go to the event with his sister because he feels obligated to stay and take care of the GF. Also he is afraid if he goes to the event, he would expose the GF to covid. Even though nothing has been scheduled by the doctors.

If you were the BF in this situation, what would you do?

[Midori]

Red flags abound here; a manipulative woman, who is showing all the signs of gaslighting her partner, including using serious illness to bind her more tightly to him.

It rather depends on the kind of cancer. Many are easily cured nowadays, and in some ways I feel this could be a manipulative ploy from GF, to stop him seeing his sister. One of the signs of partner abuse is alienating them from friends and family; as is constantly belittling the partner and making them feel inadequate. My late husband was like this, and I like a mug, took it for 15 years.

Cancer is still an 'oh Heck' diagnosis I know, as a retired nurse, but it seems to have come at a very convenient time for the GF. Even if it is genuine, she won't die in a few days, or become seriously ill, so he should go to his event with his sister. She also doesn't 'Suddenly' need caring for.

I feel the GF is being ever more manipulative, and I am suspicious that this has come when he has decided to leave her.

Hope this is some help.

Cheers, Midori

[mom483 in reply to Midori]

Thank you Midori. I agree with both you and Veteran 250. This is a bad situation and the sister is furious. I have tried to tell the BF that he does not need to stay and everything else you mentioned, BUT he will not leave. He is ashamed that he chose his GF over his sister yet again, but his guilt that the GF instilled in him over the past 5 years will not allow him to leave. Now he bears the burden of guilt for both women. BTW these are not kids the BF is 35, GF is 40, and sister is 30.

[Veteran250]

I agree with Midori…… the guy should get out now while he can….. the longer he leaves, the harder it will become.

As Midori says….. it’s come too sudden, why was it not mentioned before, there must have been an appointment with a doctor that would give him some inkling.

He should pack his bags and take them with him when he goes to the three day event with his sister😕

[mom483 in reply to Veteran250]

Thank you Veteran250. I included you in my reply to Midori. According to the BF the GF went to the doctor as soon as she found the lump - in June. The doctor insisted it was a reaction to the covid vaccine (enlarged lymph node) The doctor sent her for a mammogram- which she had to wait for due to covid and she is going for a MRI today. and PET scan later in the week.

[Veteran250 in reply to mom483]

Hoping for the lady concerned all is well…… but if the doctor told her it was a reaction to covid, she was lying to her boyfriend telling him it was cancer.

Personally, I think he should leave while he has reason…. But will he???

[mom483 in reply to Veteran250]

No he won't. His sense of obligation is very strong, regardless of how she treats him. To top it all off, he is dealing with anxiety and depression. The stress is wreaking havoc with him physically. i just don't know how to help him.

[Midori]

He will have to find the strength to leave by his own decision, unfortunately. You can only suggest remedies.

Otherwise he will blame himself, and possibly you, even more for it all. He needs his ego boosting and support more than anything else right now, then hopefully he can make the right decision.

Cheers, Midori

[mom483 in reply to Midori]

i just talked to his sister today and she plans to cut all ties with her brother. . I don't blame her and completely understand. This is just an awful situation.

[Midori in reply to mom483]

That will not help her brother, in fact it will make him cling even tighter to GF.

He needs his ego boosted, not to be cut off by his sister and left flapping like a tattered flag on the wind with no support.

I know this event was important to her, but surely she can see her brother needs her more.

Cheers, Midori

[mom483 in reply to Midori]

I agree, but she did give an ultimatum and he compromised. He did not go on the first trip but says he will be going on the second, next month. All in all, her ultimatum has actually brought them closer which totally surprised me too! Hopefully, this will be the beginning of the end for him and his GF!🤞

[Midori in reply to mom483]

I am glad he is beginning to see what is going on.

Cheers, Midori

[mom483 in reply to Midori]

Thank you! Me too!