Do you care what other people think or is it a bigger issue?

[Stardust2022]

Specifically, I showed a picture of me an my new bf to a family friend and he said a guy who waxes his eyebrows - no way, he’s not right for you. And it did bother me a bit about him but not this much until I’ve heard it from someone else. My bf is a sweetheart, kind, generous, caring, treats me how I like. I have ptsd and abandonment anxiety.

So do I just care so much about what other people think or is this another confirmation of what I’m already unhappy about? Because I would prefer his eyebrows to be more natural; they do look too thin. To summarize, I already feel uncertain about us because of his level of education and his knowledge of politics and cultures is not as high as I’d like but I DO love how he treats me.

My fried said if I continue finding all these things that bother me about him maybe he’s not right for me. But Who is? Is there even such a thing? I feel I find faults in everyone I date. I was married for 10. Divorced for 4. And the last 4 none met my expectations or most of them. So I’m so torn. It’s driving me crazy.

[Salma2289]

I am sorry for what you feel right now, and i an feel how confused you are. It’s not easy to find a suitable partner, and it’s not impossible at the same time. Other people words touch us and affect us when we are not very sure about what we want. They come and touch this uncomfortable place inside us. If you wanna choose someone it’s better you choose for who they are now not for what you would change about them. Although some things it’s okay to speak about if they bother. I hope you find your peace of mind my dear

[Stardust2022 in reply to Salma2289]

Salma2289 thank you for Your response and comforting words. Maybe we ask the wrong question. Maybe we don’t need to find the “right” partner and have that the end goal but rather enjoy the process. Where is the guarantee that you will stay happy every after with the “right” partner. I do understand I have a lot of inner work to do on myself.

[Megapanda]

Hello stardust . Yes I believe it's true that what people say effects us especially if they come from a person we are close to or value . In the end of the day the decision is yours and it's up to you to decide the best course for yourself. Unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball and we don't know how things will turn out . And just because things didn't work our before doesn't mean it won't this time. And even if it does end does that mean that you shouldn't of tried ? As you said he treats you well which is a super important thing in a relationship and I would say more important that interests or looks . Ask yourself what is it about him which is bothering you and how important is this . Is he knowledge of culture / politics that important ?. Would he be will to discover more about the topic with you ?. Do you want to discover more of his interests ?. You can just take each day as it comes and see if you grow together . The more time you spend with each other the more clear it will become . 🐼

[Stardust2022 in reply to Megapanda]

Megapanda I enjoyed reading Your response! You posed really good questions and I actually asked them myself and wrote about in a diary. It was helpful. You are absolutely right - none has a crystal ball. I guess I’m struggling with separation anxiety from intuition. At the same time I just listened to a good episode of This podcast called “Unf*ck your brain” and they talked about switching the mindset of finding that right person as the end goal rather than being in the moment and enjoying the process. I also thought what’s important for me. I have several Things that are and some of them are not met by this person I’m seeing… well, not to the fullest extent. But when I think of all my past relationships nobody met all of them. Again maybe I don’t need to focus so much on finding a lifetime partner as is creating so much more anxiety as I’m constantly looking for red flags and analyzing what the future will look like, but date for the sake of dating. Sometimes easier said than done of course. In the end, I still have that one major question - how do I know what’s my anxiety and what’s intuition?

[Megapanda in reply to Stardust2022]

No worries . Sounds like an interesting podcast I think I am going to check it out . I am glad it helped you . Setting small achievable steps to work up to something bigger is such a great way to get motivated and achieve your larger dreams/ goals .

Yes just go out and enjoy it , live can be shit at times so we have to make the most of the good times and spend it with people who make us feel good and happy.

I really think it's about living in that moment rather than spending your time looking for what could / might go wrong.

Intuition I would say is more reliable when your in a neutral mood and are calm . Your more precise about the actual problem / issue . And there is a reason why you feel that way . You can relate this to a real thing . Like something they said or something they did that made you uncomfortable . Or maybe you don't have enough in common or you both want different things out of life . So your intuition is telling you it is not going to work .

When anxiety makes you stressed and worried . It's more like worrying about what could happen rather than what is actually happening right now. It's often more general . Like what if they don't like me , what if I say something silly ,. What if I am wasting my time . What if it failed like before . This type of anxiety is often very negative .

So basically if you can't find an actual example and a logical reason why you feel that way it's most likely your anxiety . Not sure if I explained that well ?

🐼

[Stardust2022 in reply to Megapanda]

I guess I constantly worry whether this is the right person for me and what if there is a better person around the corner, so to speak. Am I settling or will there be someone who will meet most , if not all my expectations? But then my rational self says - none is perfect and it's impossible to have it all - physical, intellectual, emotional, etc. compatibility. Some things are always missing. Maybe I have to accept the imperfection and uncertainty?

[The_Color_Blue]

At the end of the day, you have to figure out what’s motivating this response inside you.

There is no such thing as a perfect person, and certainly not a perfect partner. We all make mistakes, get bad hair cuts, come down with a stomach bug that keeps us violently ill and confined to the bathroom for hours on end. We say dumb things, dance poorly, or respond in anger. These are products of being human and they will be inescapable regardless of who you end up with.

If this person had all the qualities you wanted in a partner, but his eyebrows were not the way you thought they should be, would you be with him? Or are eyebrows a dealbreaker for you? It’s fine if they are, but it’s something you need to be able to define for yourself. If eyebrows are on the list, then walk away. If they’re not, then ask yourself why this matters so much. Is it that you’re bothered that other people see flaws in him? Is it that you are trying to talk yourself out of being with him (for whatever reason) so no matter what he does or what he changes, you will just continue to find fault? That’s not fair to either of you.

Perhaps it would help to take a long term perspective. Begin by asking yourself why you’re dating at all. For many people, dating is a process of figuring out compatibility with the end goal of spending (and building) a lifetime with someone (I.e., marriage or similar types of commitment). If this long term commitment with a partner is your end goal, then what will matter most down the line? Appearances are important (because we often need to be attracted to someone to feel fully connected), but if you marry and your partner is injured or burned - then what? And what happens when they age? Invariably our appearances change over time. Is that something you’re ok with? Perhaps more importantly, a long term relationship is based on communication. If commitment is the goal then don’t you want a relationship in which you can talk about anything? Where you can be open and vulnerable about the difficult things, the complicated and emotional things, and the super awkward things? And if you want that type of relationship where you know you can trust your relationship enough to talk about anything - then shouldn’t you be able to talk to your partner about eyebrow grooming? Most likely, if you don’t feel comfortable speaking openly about this then it’s because either: (a) you don’t have the type of relationship where you feel you can be open and honest about who you are, what you want, and how you feel or (b) you know this isn’t really about eyebrows.

There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel. You deserve to have a partner who meets your needs and standards - and one with whom you can be open with about those needs and standards. However, it’s worth the time to sit with yourself and figure out your reactions to him and to this issue. In that process, it may also be beneficial to imagine that roles were reversed - because it may not only inform HOW you bring this up, but IF you bring it up at all. How would you want your partner to tell you that they were dissatisfied with your grooming habits and/or physical appearance? In some cases you can make evident your preferences with a sweet sentence or soft joke (I.e., “honey, have you ever thought about growing your hair out?? I bet you’d look so hot!”). If you’re not sure where you are in all of this, saying something suggestive in a positive way might be a way to open the door - regardless of where it leads you, you’ll have more answers than you do now.

[Stardust2022 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

The_Color_Blue - appreciate your thoughtful response! Really made me think. Funny thing is I think our dealbreaker can change as we evolve and grow. For example, my last bf was 5’5” and I’m 5’7”. I never thought I could date a man shorter than me. But after dating him it changed my mind. I no longer look at height difference of a couple inches as a dealbreaker., while before it would have definitely been a good bye. Maybe eyebrows were a critical before lol but realized In the scheme of things that is not that important?

And I absolutely agree wit you about open communication. We actually talked about it. He said he waxed them since he was in high school and it was a normal thing to do in a high school he was at in California and since he did it so much hair Doesn’t there any more, so even if he wanted to grow them out now he can’t. So obviously this is a permanent thing and it won’t change. Now knowing that I have to either accept it or not. I think I can accept. I’m just worried about what my family thinks about Him. Well they think less of him? Will they form stereotypes? I know yes you shouldn’t care what others think but my family is important. This aspect I’m still trying to work out in my head.