This post is going to be a bit depressing so apologies. It's just I feel like getting it all out of my head. Nobody could really understand here and I feel more comfortable letting it out on the internet.
Birthdays Christmas and New Years are sad days for me, I just never feel happy with any of them, just anxious, down, and feel like I want to just cry and keep crying.
Compared to when I was a kid, I used to like Christmas.
It is a mixture of missed opportunities, past regrets, life choices and just missing people from the past.
I miss my grandma, she died 14 years ago, I miss my grandad, I miss my great aunt, I miss the days I can never turn back. I wish they could come back, or I could just turn back the time, it sucks being an adult....
I find it sad, my grandparents and their generation had to go, the old postman and my gran's friend who was always funny and telling jokes.
Even though they are my grandma's generation and was never close to any of them I feel sad that they are now gone.
I miss my classmate, he died in a car accident many years ago, although we weren't close friends, I miss the fact he is no longer here.
Had a phone call today, some guy renting out a caravan on our farm for the summer had died in his sleep.
He was 78, I wasn't closed to him, my dad talks to him often, but he was a very nice person, he fought cancer 3 times never quit smoking but he lived.
I am a hopeless talker but I like talking to him, I just like he talks a lot, like the stories he would bring up and just the character he was.
He rang up before Christmas wishing us all a Happy Christmas.
Although I was never close to him, this may be weird.... but I still cried alone...
I find it sad I will never see him again coming to his caravan, calling for help to cut the branches or what ever needed doing, and just being there.
I find it unfair that he had to go so suddenly.
It's also a reminder that life is so short.
I often wonder in times like this why I let social anxiety and get to me and miss so many oppurtunities all those years..
It's not so easy to overcome.
My parents are now in their 60s and 70s. It's scary knowing they're only going to get even more older.
And it could happen to them at any time....
I am not close enough like other people to express my thoughts and feelings, I feel uncomfortable doing that. My dad thinks I'm an idiot but I sometimes cry thinking about it... I just can't help it.
I feel scared of getting old, being in a care home and carers having to bath you, or getting dementia like my great aunt had, and according to her diary my great grandfather had too..
Even though there is nothing anyone can do about it, and I guess it is probably selfish to think this way...
I often wish I could be reborn in a parallel universe and start over again.... this time without asperger's social anxiety and a bit more intelligent...
I really don't like being part of this "circle of life" anymore.
I don't know what happens after death, if a god exists anymore.
If one does I probably end up in hell.
I don't know why am I me or why I exist or if there really is a purpose.
The years have flown so fast and I don't feel any "happy" about it...