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Life, death and missing people from the past

JtimmyT profile image
5 Replies

This post is going to be a bit depressing so apologies. It's just I feel like getting it all out of my head. Nobody could really understand here and I feel more comfortable letting it out on the internet.

Birthdays Christmas and New Years are sad days for me, I just never feel happy with any of them, just anxious, down, and feel like I want to just cry and keep crying.

Compared to when I was a kid, I used to like Christmas.

It is a mixture of missed opportunities, past regrets, life choices and just missing people from the past.

I miss my grandma, she died 14 years ago, I miss my grandad, I miss my great aunt, I miss the days I can never turn back. I wish they could come back, or I could just turn back the time, it sucks being an adult....

I find it sad, my grandparents and their generation had to go, the old postman and my gran's friend who was always funny and telling jokes.

Even though they are my grandma's generation and was never close to any of them I feel sad that they are now gone.

I miss my classmate, he died in a car accident many years ago, although we weren't close friends, I miss the fact he is no longer here.

Had a phone call today, some guy renting out a caravan on our farm for the summer had died in his sleep.

He was 78, I wasn't closed to him, my dad talks to him often, but he was a very nice person, he fought cancer 3 times never quit smoking but he lived.

I am a hopeless talker but I like talking to him, I just like he talks a lot, like the stories he would bring up and just the character he was.

He rang up before Christmas wishing us all a Happy Christmas.

Although I was never close to him, this may be weird.... but I still cried alone...

I find it sad I will never see him again coming to his caravan, calling for help to cut the branches or what ever needed doing, and just being there.

I find it unfair that he had to go so suddenly.

It's also a reminder that life is so short.

I often wonder in times like this why I let social anxiety and get to me and miss so many oppurtunities all those years..

It's not so easy to overcome.

My parents are now in their 60s and 70s. It's scary knowing they're only going to get even more older.

And it could happen to them at any time....

I am not close enough like other people to express my thoughts and feelings, I feel uncomfortable doing that. My dad thinks I'm an idiot but I sometimes cry thinking about it... I just can't help it.

I feel scared of getting old, being in a care home and carers having to bath you, or getting dementia like my great aunt had, and according to her diary my great grandfather had too..

Even though there is nothing anyone can do about it, and I guess it is probably selfish to think this way...

I often wish I could be reborn in a parallel universe and start over again.... this time without asperger's social anxiety and a bit more intelligent...

Wishful thinking....

I really don't like being part of this "circle of life" anymore.

I don't know what happens after death, if a god exists anymore.

If one does I probably end up in hell.

I don't know why am I me or why I exist or if there really is a purpose.

The years have flown so fast and I don't feel any "happy" about it...

5 Replies
CTRPLR2BTRFY profile image

Hi JtimmyT,

What you’re describing certainly sounds like depression. Are you seeing anyone to help address these thoughts of sadness and hopelessness?

It’s very normal to feel melancholy over the decline and death of others, especially for those who have a very strong sensitive side to begin with.

Please reach out to anyone you feel like you can talk to regarding these thoughts. If you don’t already have someone in your life you feel comfortable speaking to in this way, maybe the next step is looking for a counselor.

Best wishes

X01WOOG profile image
X01WOOG in reply to CTRPLR2BTRFY

Jimmy, I understand how you feel and why you feel that way. I miss my parents: they both died in 1978. They were both 76. I was still in my 30's. I have lost two grown children and a baby boy. My sister died this past April. My friend since we were eleven years old died last year on New Year's Eve day. I miss so many people in my life. I miss people who are living and don't come to see us. You may or may not have someone to talk to. I have talked to people before Professionals, I mean. They have not ever helped me. I used to call my sister when I was upset. Talking to her didn't cost money and it helped me to just talk and tell her how I was feeling. I truly miss her. I used to get upset with her--after all, she was my big, bossy sister. She was ten years older than me so she really did boss me around when I was little. Yes, I loved her and I miss her. I miss my son and I miss my daughter more than words can tell. I know my baby boy is in Heaven. I pray that I will always have faith in God. There is always a demonic force telling us there is no God or that if there was a God, this or that wouldn't have happened, well, there is a God, He is our creator, He is our all in all. He loves us so much He gave His only son for us. Please don't lose your faith. He loves you and so do we. God bless you richly. I have to go now or I might write a book. Love and Blessings.

ChristFollower profile image

You have a purpose I can tell right away because I really enjoyed reading your post. You seem born to write. Blog, book...I feel so similar in so many ways, especially the tearful ends to the people that pass through our lives. It is scary and nobody really talks about it it seems. Here one day and gone the next. The wisdom, the stories from elderly people are things I miss most. Working in a nursing home I found it lifting to lift their spirits. Again, it was great to read your post. I feel company. :)

I learned a new quote today. "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections".

CJ, 46

Flip00008 profile image

Hey JtimmyT! Sorry this is going on. This past year... I lost a couple of people I was close to... One of them being my Grampa. I know the hurt you are feeling and it is hard to deal with it at times... The holidays makes it worse. I want you to know that things will get better and that I am praying for you. You seem to have a huge heart... And to me, that is a rare trait anymore. I hope to hear from you soon.

JtimmyT profile image
JtimmyT in reply to Flip00008

Thank you Flip00008

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