A sad realization

I've talked about my marriage on here before and how it is likely over. I'm not sure I want it to be, but it is clear my husband is not my friend at all now. He is not exactly abusive, just once in awhile and usually after he has had alcohol. I have a problem with using alcohol to self-medicate and I recognize that in him as well, and I want to change that, at least in myself. The realization that he is more a detriment to me than a help came on Saturday, the day I got my first vaccine dose. Not knowing how I would react through the day, my husband decided that evening to drink himself into a stupor. He drank so much, and into the morning, around 2 am, that I worried he would fall in the bathroom when he went in to urinate. He was so drunk he had to hold onto various pieces of furniture as he made his way to the bathroom. I was afraid. I was fearful he might have poisoned himself with so much alcohol. I poured a large glass of water for him and made him drink it. The next day he was fine, and drank again at dinner time and thereafter. I decided not to have any alcohol at all because I wasn't sure if it would have an adverse affect on me following the vaccine. How does someone who cares about another behave that way? When he was hospitalized for 10 days a few years ago I stayed with him, slept in a chair that folds out into a sort of cot. I had a friend look after my beloved dog during the whole time. He cannot even bring himself to look after me for a few days. I am just so sad now.

[TangledUpIn]

Ugh. Eyolf, I've been with neglectful people like your husband and it is sad. Both of us need to be cherrished and that includes getting our needs met consistently. 🙃🙂

[b1b1b1]

This is not a good marriage. Does your husband have a desire to stop drinking? If so, a 12 step program might help him, but he has to be really committed to the marriage and sobriety. If he is not willing then it doesn't seem that there is much there for you.

[OnTheLoneHill]

Eyolf,

You wrote:

"He is not exactly abusive, just once in awhile and usually after he has had alcohol."

Once is abusive. Period. There is no circumstance or state (including drunkenness) that can make it okay. You deserve safety and support. Importantly, as you make decisions about your life and your health, you deserve a secure environment where you can focus on you. Do you have any family or friends who could host you while you sort this out? I commend you for taking the steps while dealing with so much--please please get yourself out of that house. Pack a bag and go to family or friends. Put yourself in a safe location first, then begin your planning. You can do this.

[Hidden in reply to OnTheLoneHill]

He has never been physically abusive, I should have been more clear. It is more verbal than anything, and in a sort of gaslighting way. But this is a terrible relationship and I am considering my options. A job is required, for one. I have had great difficulty finding work but after I have my second vaccine dose that should change because I won't be confined to remote work anymore.

[OnTheLoneHill in reply to Hidden]

I am very glad to hear it isn't physical, but since this is an anxiety and depression thread I feel obligated to note that verbal abuse and gaslighting is just as damaging, in a different way. Do you have a friend you can stay with while you get on your feet? The job market is definitely rough right now, but you deserve safety and security. I want to emphasize this because so often gaslighting convinces people they *don't* merit basic kindness, and you do!

[Hidden]

He will never go to Alanon or any other alcohol related group. I do not drink enough alcohol to warrant any concerns for myself, but if I did I would certainly join a group.

[JkBauer]

Good afternoon,I am so sorry to hear of this awful realization that you have come to. How does he feel about going to AA meetings with you as a couple? Do you mind if I pray for you and your husband?

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the great God who loves us all and wants the best for all of us. Lord Jesus, you are so the Great I Am! Father God, I want to lift up this couple who are struggling through this awful storm with alcohol. Your grace, love, mercy, and peace exceed way above and beyond what we can even imagine. Good Father in heaven, please cover this couple in the blood of Jesus. That you will bring grace and mercy upon their marriage through your love. That they may find your peace through AA and other support and encouragement through family and friends. I praise you and thank you, Lord Jesus, for who you are and the great things that you have in store for this couple and all of us.

In Jesus Name, Amen