Need Opinions

[Willow2022]

I’ll try to make it brief. Son (11) wanted to play a sport. My husband became coach to be with him and watch him during this contact sport. Son hasn’t really been into it but has been trying and going to all practices and games. Two weeks ago he started saying he was really sad and didn’t know why. Then he started dreading practice and having panic attacks before his games. He then said he felt empty and it scared him and could I please find him a therapist or someone to talk to. The next day I found him crying at the bottom of the shower after practice saying how much he hated playing..

Two weeks ago husband was frustrated and said he should just quit because he couldn’t keep talking him o to going to each practice/game.

Today I told son to quit if that was his choice . He would have to tell him teammates himself and deal with consequences (people making fun of him or being mad at him). I spoke to my mom and my therapist and got their advice about how this was all affecting him mentally and I was worried. So he quit.

Husband completely lost it. Said we are raising a quitter and this will bite us in the butt later down the road. Said it’s just a game and there is no way son was depressed about just playing a game. Said he never quit anything in his life and now he is a failure as a parent because son made this choice. I tried to explain to him that I was not taking chances on son’s mental health and I would rather he quit than do something drastic (my depression went straight to worst case scenario) to not have to play. Husband is so mad he says he wants to throw things and feels like throwing up. Not talking to anyone in the house.

I am so confused. I feel like I did the right thing. My son told his teammates and though they were disappointed, they supported him. Son seems better now; lighter. Husband said because he doesn’t understand how someone could be sad over a game. I was worried it was tipping toward depression. What 11 year old days they feel empty inside?

I don’t know. I am so shocked at husband’s reaction. He has always been supportive of my depression but this reaction is a complete surprise. Who thinks quitting was a bad idea? Good idea?

I would love an outside POV from people who suffer mental illness. I feel hyper vigilant but once again I won’t take chances with my kids mental health.

[just_keep_swimming]

I think him quitting was a good idea because seems like it was giving him a lot of anxiety . Do you think your husband reacted the way he did because he wanted to live his sports dreams through your son ? For me I always wanted to live my dreams that I didn’t get to through my sister so for instance I wanted her to be on the volleyball team because I was never on it , but she did not want to and while I was sad/hurt I understood that was not for her.

[Willow2022 in reply to just_keep_swimming]

possibly? Husband played sports since 5 years old and thrived. I tried explaining it wasn’t about him but rather our son’s mental state and he just can’t see it that way.

[Hidden]

Please accept my apology if I say something a bit out of line but I have experience, as a child, in this area and just want to give you a little input

there was absolutely nothing wrong with your son quitting. He felt uncomfortable and was miserable doing something he obviously felt he needed to do to, possibly, make Dad happy. You did nothing wrong, and should definitely not feel distress over doing something any parent would have, or should have, done.

believe me when I tell you that I've been on the receiving end of your husband's anger. I've been that child that needed a hug instead of getting yelled at by someone who he looks to for protection. Unfortunately your husband failed, in this situation, to emotionally protect his son. Believe it or not, I have not played a sport since I was a kid. Not because of what my parent did, but because sports were not my thing. The irony is that your husband is obviously a sports fan. Sports fans are all about the team. Sports fanatics harp on how important it is to be a team player and not doing things on your own on the field. I call it irony because your husband failed to be a team player in the sport of raising a child. He left you to play this particular game alone.

my brother has struggled with this issue. My nephew is not into sports and this has been a big problem for my brother. What he doesn't see is the resentment that is building up between him and my nephew. One day this is going to be a problem in their relationship if he doesn't himself become a team player.

feel better and good luck

[Willow2022 in reply to Hidden]

Well you made me tear up with your response. You read my mind. I want my son to feel like he is supported by us when he has to make a tough decision. The alternative is he feels abandoned emotionally and stops communicating his problems which I don’t want. Thank you for your response ❤️

[Xene]

Hi Willow, of course you’re not wrong allowing your son to stop playing football. No child should be forced into playing a sport they don’t want to. Did he tell you why he no longer wanted to play? What I find more concerning is your husbands reaction and the possible effects on your son.

Our children look to us as parents for a lot of things including validation and being told and made to feel he’s a quitter doesn’t bode well. For sure if this is just one isolated case hopefully it will soon be forgotten but him asking you to find him a therapist or someone to talk to at 11yo sounds like there’s a lot more going on under the surface? All children are different so it’s never easy but hopefully he’ll tell you if anything is troubling him.

[Willow2022 in reply to Xene]

My son is usually amped to try something new (baseball, martial arts, basketball) but when the season/session is over he just says he wants to try something else. No harm no foul. I have never seen him get so panicked as he did to play FB. I think it was a multitude of things: not having fun (team was losing), playing both defense and offense all game (not enough players), practice 4-5 times per week for 2 hours a day (zero down time), pressure from the head coach to do things (guys was OLD SCHOOL and thought yelling was a good motivator)…. The list goes on.

I let son be the judge this time. Talked about consequences of staying or quitting. He got to choose and I supported him which he has thanked me for several times. It just breaks my heart to hear him say “Dad is disappointed in me”.

[Xene in reply to Willow2022]

Hi Willow, reading your post gave me a serious deja vu moment and I was wondering if it was possibly your husband being too pushy and over critical of your son being the cause for him wanting to stop playing FB but from your description that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I know only too well the long term possible negative impact on a child from critical negative comments from a parent. Obviously this is something that builds up over time and not just because of one incident like with your son.

Hopefully your husband will come around to seeing both sides and see that his disappointment either verbally or attitude isn’t helping your son. Good luck.

[Willow2022 in reply to Xene]

You are correct Xene, husband wasn’t overly pushy or critical. In fact, son was one of the better players on the team. Maybe that is why husband is so furious? And the fact they only have two more games and the season is over? He said that in a text this morning (he still isn’t talking to me in person)… he can’t believe son couldn’t just deal with it for two more games. What sucks is that husband used to have anxiety and always thought he was having a heart attack. We went to the ER several times for it. You would think someone who has suffered anxiety would be a bit more sympathetic to a CHILD having a PANIC ATTACK over FOOTBALL. So sorry to capitalize that but thinking about it today has gotten me angry.

[Xene in reply to Willow2022]

Oh my word, it sounds like your husband is behaving like a petulant child, not talking sulking. Good luck with that! As you said from his own personal experience he should have more understanding than most. Hopefully it will soon blow over. Sending you positive vibes.

[Willow2022 in reply to Xene]

thanks Xexe I need those positive vibes 😕

[Xene in reply to Willow2022]

No probs, it’s good to know you’re not on your own and that others can relate 👍

[Willow2022]

thank you for your response AXXES. I have checked with my son, his friends, several teachers and the school counselor and everyone said he seems engaged and happy at school. I don’t think there are any problems there.

[Willow2022]

oh my gosh this is his message to me this morning:

“I don’t know how I’m going to get past this and how we are going to get through this. Saying that it will take time is just saying to wait until I’m over it. I don’t know if or when I will be. I’m absolutely terrified about him getting teased or his crush finding out and saying she doesn’t like him anymore. He would be devastated. I know it’s not likely but it is a possibility. I’m afraid of how he might feel today when others are wearing their jersey and he isn’t I didn’t want that to mess with him today. Or when his friends are talking about their trophies or award at the end of the season. I’ve seen how happy the medals he has makes him when he gets them and he’s going to miss out on that and that makes me sad for him. I know you guys think that he made the right decision but I think it’s the complete opposite. He doesn’t t truly understand how many people that he’s letting down. I can’t even get into how it’s affecting me emotionally. …. Yeah be got to get to work my people are showing up. I just needed to get that off of my chest”

I responded basically saying I went over all those negative consequences he listed before son made his choice. I went over all the consequences/positives with staying on the team as well. There are two games left and Husband is furious he couldn’t just stick it out. I told him this was giving him anxiety and I would chose son’s mental health over FB anytime.

I’m so stressed. We argue but this is a huge fight. He didn’t sleep last night as far as I know and left just as I got up. He said goodbye but his posture looks like he is barely containing himself (as text stated). I am at a loss

[hypercat54 in reply to Willow2022]

Hi I agree completely with you so am validating your handling of the situation. It is important that you keep the lines of communication open with your son and he knows he can turn to you in future. So well done for that.

A couple of other thoughts. First your son is entering adolescence which messes with a child's hormones anyway so he will be feeling insecure and very sensitive.

The second is it sounds like your husband has unresolved issues from his own childhood but it is up to him to deal with these without taking them out on his son.

This isn't uncommon but it sounds like your husband sees a 'mini me' in his son and wants a clone of himself. He needs to sort himself out.

I hope this is helpful. Take care.

[Willow2022 in reply to hypercat54]

thank you so much hypercat. Yesterday I was “let’s go protect mental health! Try and be a good parent! It’s okay to disagree with your spouse!” And today I just feel worn out. I am trying not to let it bring me down but it’s a struggle today. I feel like in the simplest terms it is this: son was having anxiety over playing a sport he had come to hate. I let him quit. Husband is mad son couldn’t stick it out and disappointed everyone. Husband and I will never see eye to eye on this. I am trying to stay positive but I can feel anxiety over all of it creeping in.

[hypercat54 in reply to Willow2022]

There isn't much you can do if your husband isn't willing to see that he is the problem. He is the adult after all.

If I was you I would just try and let it go over your head and just get on with keeping a good positive relationship with your son. Leave your husband out of it and let your son know he hasn't disappointed you at all. If he starts again don't argue back as you can only do this with someone who is willing to. Just say something like it's time to move on and cut him off. Be a grey rock. Maybe keep some things from your man so it doesn't lead to arguments which isn't good for any of you.

[Willow2022 in reply to hypercat54]

I know. You can’t make people see what they don’t want to see. 😟

[Willow2022]

I did. After son told husband he came in the house crying. Said husband/dad was disappointed and he hates disappointing his parents. I mentioned that to husband and all he said was “I am disappointed! I don’t understand how he could just quit with two games left! He abandoned his team!”

[designguy]

Your husband is making this all about himself and projecting his own insecurities and low-self-image onto your son and the situation. It sounds like your husband has a lot of unresolved issues around people pleasing and is overly concerned about what others think of him and is suffering from low-self-worth/esteem. He would definitely benefit from therapy if he is will to go and it sounds like it would improve his relationships with all of you.