hi community! I’d like to share a problem with you guys and would like a second opinion. Since getting married I realized my husband struggled with handling his alcohol. The first year of marriage really put our relationship to the test after he got drunk a couple of times and caused some psychological damage. I threatened to leave and therefore he promised not to touch alcohol ever again. Fast forward to this year, I started to gain trust again and allowed him to drink socially every now and then, because he kept it at two beers max and would only drink on certain occasions. However, I have found himself pushing the boundaries. I recently visited some friends in Canada and we were all having a good time. At a certain point my friend’s husband offered him a beer and he took it. I was fine with it. But he kept offering him more and he would take it. I knew that he would stop after the two beers or maybe after he snuck the third. But instead, they decided to leave and grab more beers and that set me off. My face changed and I was no longer okay with it. Bottom line, it caused a fight between us. Our friends saw us fight and the worse part is that it was the first time he was meeting my friends. I told him he was crossing the line and he knew it and he took advantage of the fact that I trusted him around alcohol again. The thing is I’m tired of being the bad guy of the story. He always tell the guys that the “ wife “ doesn’t let him when in fact there’s a reason why. The reason is that he struggled with alcoholism. He put himself through a lot of trouble because of it. He had lost his job in the military , burnt bridges with friends, crashed a brand new truck into a light pole while drunk, gotten into ugly fights with his folks etc… besides, he turns into a complete jerk when he is under the influence of alcohol. He has ruined trips that we had because he once again was pushing the limits. I told him I wish it wasn’t like this, I told him that just because society label it as acceptable it does not mean it’s the right thing to do. We come from different cultures. Here in America it seems like everyone drinks. I came from a family where no one drank. My parents are pastors and I have watched my parents deal with people that had abusive partners . The most horrifying stories involved alcohol. It was all the same thing that we all heard “ he is a good hardworking man, but when he drinks he beats me.” Stories like that made me loathe alcohol. Until I found myself in those people’s shoes. Although he never got physical with me, he would scare the crap out of me when he was drunk and we would have the worst fights. I’m saying all of this because whenever I talk to him about alcohol , although he has visibly gotten better I can’t help but be “unhinged”. I cannot hold up a conversation with him when it comes to this matter. I tell him “ if you do this again, I will leave you for good.” When I know I don’t mean those words. Every other argument we have, I manage to stay calm and work through it. But when it comes to alcohol, it triggers the beast in me. There’s no dialogue, I only see red. Out of fear, he once again, holds me and promise me to change and not engage in drinking. But I don’t know how to handle this. I love him, he’s a great man, we over all have a great marriage and the good outweighs the bad every time and He’s willing to listen to me and work with me. I just know that I will be probably be dealing with this particular matter again and I don’t know what to do.
alcohol : hi community! I’d like to... - Anxiety and Depre...
alcohol
MandyBueno
Have you ever thought of going to Al A Non?
If your husband has a problem with alcohol he needs help. You can set all the boundaries in the world but he's not going to follow them.
Alcoholism is a disease and it can ruin families and relationships. It's very sad, I know this first hand.
I'm very sorry you are going through this
🐬
My first husband was/is an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I’m not saying they can’t stop drinking, they can IF they see the problem and want to stop. I say always because 1 drink can set them on a downward spiral and lose all the sobriety they had. He needs help and so do you. Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon are both great groups. Please check it out for yourself even if he won’t. They can help you cope. I asked my ex to stop and he did for about 6 months and resented me the whole time. When he did start again he was meanest SOB you ever saw. I realized then he would never change. He didn’t see the problem. Fast forward 45 years and as far as I know he’s still alive. 4 wives, 4 divorces. He’s a severe diabetic who has limited eyesight and is dying of liver disease. 2 of his three children have no contact with him. Alcoholism doesn’t just affect the drinker but the whole family. Him telling his friends you won’t let him drink is a coward’s way of saying I want to but she won’t let me. Making you the bad guy , when he’s the one with the problem he won’t own. If you want my opinion, unless he admits openly he’s an alcoholic and he wants to get help to stop, he never will. You can ask him to but he will resent you for it because he thinks he doesn’t have a problem. And every time he gets drunk he will take it out on you. And it will keep escalating. The last time I saw my ex he threw a full pan of hot lasagna at me. I walked out and never went back. Im not telling you to leave your husband. Im just telling you my story. But do give alanon a look. Good luck.
I am so very sorry to hear that. You are right. Alcohol destroys not only that one person’s life but whoever is part of it. Stories like yours shows me that alcohol does more harm than good. I use arguments like that to bring him back to reality. I also agree that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic . Seeing him sneaking more beers and slamming it as fast as he could so I wouldn’t be able to catch him just highlighted that he does not handle it well . Since then we’ve had many conversations and I told him over and over again that this is a deal breaker to me. I do not want to raise my children in a home where either of the parents drink . I really want my kids to know that it is okay to go through life without becoming intoxicated.
unfortunately alchoholism is just another mental health illness. they may want to stop but just can't. so they justifiy it to themselves that they don't have a problem. I've seen a few people able to beat it on their own, but not many. Until he admitsit to himself he has a problem nothing will change. you saaid you always threaten to leave but never do, maybe try either you go get help to stop drinking or I am leaving. with stipulations that it's not a one and done thing, it has to be on going. My cousin's husband is an alcoholic he's in his late 70s. he sponsered new people for years. He still will go to meetings when the urge pops up. He said it never completely goes away. Social events are the hardest. But he openly says when offered a drink. no thank you I am an alcoholic. He said openly admitting it, helps him to own it. And there is no shame in that. Just like there's no shame in saying I have a mental illness. It's not easy to say but I own it.
thankfully my husband has recognized he’s got an addictive personality. The hardest times for him are also when it comes to socialization . He stated “ Amanda, my whole life I was taught that for one to loosen up we just gotta have a drink. For a guy to connect with his father in law and ask his daughter’s hand in marriage, we’d do it over drinks. When meeting someone new you’d also get drinks in order to connect.” So, yes, I am fully aware of the struggle. I also know that sometimes he feels a little emasculated because other men would be drinking without having to pace themselves and he’s the one who has to be extra careful or abstain completely. I know this would only get better if he changes his perspective, recognizes he’s got a problem. He also thinks that it is okay to indulge as long as he doesn’t get drunk and he believes drinking and drunkenness are two separe things. Well, I strongly disagree. A person can be only a drink away from drunkenness and not realize, it is indeed a thin line. I wish I wasn’t the one to think of this, I wish that he hasn’t convinced himself that it is not a big deal when in fact , when you look at his life and his past, alcohol has caused nothing but disaster and it has ruined so many good moments for us.
I understand your situation as I WAS an alcoholic myself, I had deep rooted ptsd and I can assure you that nobody would have wanted my life.
Unfortunately there's a boundary your husband has crossed over in your eyes , I'm pleased to say I'm sober and 12+years free from the demon brew , I don't know how much your husband drinks, and the way your family dynamics work, are you wanting him to be tea total and not drink at alll, or is he bringing in way to much alcoholic drinks in the first place???
This is a power struggle in the household, and he is pushing all the wrong buttons, obviously your quite younger than me and have family to attend to as well, it seems quite clearly that you don't want him to drink and he's rebelling is by drinking more, yes he's not listening to the consequences, I don't know what the answer to your questions, perhaps he needs counselling, and if are pushing him towards an AA meeting this could add further problems, he can't see what he is possibly going to lose.
As for saying once an alcoholic always an alcoholic isn't always true, I had a short film covering my problems, and it took many months of counselling before I had conquered my many years of trauma related problems,can he change will you know him, but the Alpha male is still marking his corners in the house, try and explain your concerns rather than threats, and I don't mean this in a nasty way as trying to find all that right words is extremely difficult, so forgive me if I've chosen a wrong word or two along the way , best of luck!
Thank you for your reply! Reading your comment actually brought me hope. All I can say is that my husband has made big progress. He hasn’t gotten drunk in years and he is usually very satisfied with non-alcoholic beers. However I know he misses alcoholic drinks. He’s from a household where mom and dad drinks, his sisters and brother-in-laws drink and pretty much every guy at work drinks. So alcohol is engraved into his routine. I sometimes feel alone in this process and like I said, I feel like the “bad guy” because I’m the one having to ground him. Now, granted he has come to a place where he wants to get better and of course he doesn’t want to lose his marriage to something “silly” as he would say. But having a drinking problem is not something silly, it can be quite serious and you know the better than I do. I know my husband has seem darker days due to his addiction. He is well aware of the consequences , it’s just that I want him to be true to himself. I want him to know I’m not 100% against having a little drink while we are on vacation, or on our wedding anniversary. I just don’t want him to take advantage of the lenience and the trust I have given him. I don’t want him to go back to his old ways and I don’t want him to be an alcoholic.
Yes I understand where you're coming from, it's a fine line and maybe because he's quite young still he doesn't want to miss the" party " feelings burning inside him, it's all about communication and explaining that you are in for the long haul and he needs to start growing up, for you and the children if he's the sort of guy who's approachable then take him aside and calmly say you don't want things messed up through alcohol, I'm sure you can use your skills and work things out , I wish you all the best!
Honestly, in my opinion, you seem to be handling this difficult situation quite well. Be true to yourself and your values. Bright red lines with no wiggle room make sense in certain cases. I was hoever, a bit puzzled by these words: " I tell him “ if you do this again, I will leave you for good.” When I know I don’t mean those words." What do you think a reasonable response would be if he drinks again that is something that you would follow through on? For example, it seems like your relationship and your mental health would be better served if he didn't drink alcohol again. It sounded like he was ok not drinking? Why did you let him drink again socially? It doesn't sound like him drinking even one beer - which almost inevitably leads to more - is good for either of you.
hi, thank you for your reply. I know this is awful to say to him and it really hurts him. I gave him some lenience mainly because I was tired of feeling like the bad guy, the prude. He kept showing me he could keep it at bay until now. Deep inside I knew it was just a matter of time until he would fall back to his old ways, but I was hoping he wouldn’t. I guess I was in denial. And since drinking has been such a big part of his life, it does make me feel like I’ve stripped away a big part of it and this does not sit well with me. So because of that, I allowed it.
You are the hero. You absolutely are not, and should not feel like the "bad guy." You very likely have saved your husband's life by preventing him from making bad decisions while drunk, such as totaling a car into a light pole. Rereading your post, I was struck by this comment: "He always tell the guys that the “ wife “ doesn’t let him." To me, that does not seem ok. One of my guilty pleasures is reading Stephen King. King has now been sober for over 30 years. For an alcoholic, like King, staying sober is absolutely a good thing. Best wishes.
Hi Mandy, I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing what alcohol can do to a person.
It's something that no amount of threats or conditions will work. It's a serious
addiction that needs professional help only. One cannot stop drinking upon will power.
Having just one taste of alcohol and it will come crashing down on them. The man you
fell in love with is still there when he's not drinking. You both can benefit by the sessions
that are out there. As Dolphin14 recommended, Al A Non for you can help you feel so
not alone as well as meeting others experiencing the same fears and concerns.
And then there's AA for him but unless he's directed by a professional sponsor/therapist
he probably won't go on his own or it will be short lived.
Start taking care of yourself so you can find out how you can support your husband.
You're not alone Mandy, many people both men and women are the product of having
an abusive alcoholic partner. My thoughts are with you 
xx
Oh dear Mandy,
My late husband was like yours; except that he got very physical as well when he was drunk. I finally had to take the children and run to preserve us all.
Please, it seems as if he doesn't want to admit his alcoholism to himself, and until he can he will continue to push the boundaries, not just of his capacity, or your tolerance for his drinking, but his behaviour will probably escalate to violence as mine did.
For your own safety, I urge you to leave.
Cheers, Midori
Hi Midori! I am so sorry about what happened in your life, alcohol indeed can destroy a family. I have talked to my husband and he admitted he’s got a problem and also said he would do anything to keep me in his life. He’s a good man and although he’s got a nasty addiction , he’s been workable. After I posted this and had so many replies, I had not only one but various serious conversations with my husband. I’m hopeful he will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wish you the best.
Unfortunately, he has to find the strength to want you more than the booze. It's easy to say, but much, much harder to do, and if his friends are also drinkers, he is going to find it extra hard to restrain himself. Take great care, as you will also be tested greatly.
Cheers, Midori
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Alcohol problem! Anyone to talk ?
Relationship issues...
Alcohol 🤷♀️
My partner has anxiety disorder
Please please please help!!!! My phd or my husband? 
my boyfriend went off the rails
What to Choose??
Another fight. Maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship. Is it anxiety or just me? 
