5 year sad anniversary

[catsrock]

TW: Suicide. 5 years ago today, my brother committed suicide. I try not to dwell on negative dates, but have already had a friend reach out to make sure I'm ok today (which was very nice) and am having trouble with all the memories that surrounded that awful day. It's a way too long story, but my main emotion towards my brother is still anger. He was a very abusive person to everyone around him and killed himself because he couldn't handle that his wife was divorcing him even though he had had multiple affairs - he was narcissistic to the max. The last time I spoke to him was 3 months before his death when his wife found out about the affairs. I yelled at him on the phone like I never had that last time (his wife is a saint and he had been treating her badly for decades) so, of course, he cut me out of his life after that being a narcissist. There is a lot more to the story, but the whole thing is still very upsetting. I've worked on it in therapy, so I'm better about it, but days like today can bring it all up. Ugh.

[Agora1]

I'm so sorry catsrock for your continued pain. xx

[catsrock in reply to Agora1]

Thank you - I also had 2 uncles who died by suicide. It's a thing in my family and truly leaves the people behind with so much to deal with.

[Oshgosh]

this is a really sad situation for you.

Although you describe your brother andhis faults,it doesn’t help with the grief.

My thoughts are with you x

[catsrock in reply to Oshgosh]

Thank you so much.

[Shnookie]

so sorry U R going thru such pain. No matter what your relationship was with your brother, anniversaries R trigger points. It was very brave of U to seek therapy. I’m here 4 U.

[catsrock in reply to Shnookie]

Thank you, Shnookie. I finally found a good therapist and she changed everything for the better for me.

[Shnookie]

So happy to hear this.

[Starrlight]

I’m so sorry. That sounds like a lot of hurt. My brother also killed himself.

[catsrock in reply to Starrlight]

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I feel like we may have discussed this before, but I'm not sure. Anyway, it sucks. Having depression I totally get the pain he was in, but he did NOTHING to get help - wouldn't go to therapy, consider meds (in fact criticized me for taking meds), or do anything else to help himself. It's hard to forgive when the person didn't try to get help.

[Starrlight in reply to catsrock]

I think differently about my brother. We were close in age and were best friends Like yours he was in great pain. Towards the end he acted differently and I tried to reach him and pushed him to get help but like your brother he didn’t want it. I believe he is in a good place now and I am glad for him and he will always be in my heart every day. I miss him so much. Sorry I don’t mean to highjack your post. It feels good to let out feelings as I don’t usually talk about him I just think of him every day.

[catsrock in reply to Starrlight]

Not at all. I'm glad you had a close relationship with your brother.

[Ellamaye]

I commend you for your honesty with your feelings . You just said it how it is for you knowing his actions towards people who loved him .I will still add I'm sorry you lost your brother x you did lose your brother to suicide and that is a hurt . X

[catsrock in reply to Ellamaye]

Thank you so much.

[SayNOtoPanic]

Oof catsrock that is heavy. 😢. So sorry for your loss, for the trauma of it all. For him as well that he suffered that way. God rest his soul. May he be at peace. I hope you and your loved ones continue to heal. Your bravery is palpable in your words. Lifting you in prayer and hugs.

[catsrock in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

[catsrock]

Thank you so much.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you couldn't get that closure, suicide is almost indescribable... I still feel guilt for trying at one time... The world still looks brighter from then. You being here makes YOU the stronger person.

And you are a lot stronger than some others.. stronger than I have been! You sound kind too, please stay strong.

This might not help but I like to believe hate disappears when people pass. Theirs reflection in what they did but then only the good stays. If you had good memories of him hold onto them because they'll be there no matter what you believe, because good stays, even if it's hard to remember in the moment.

You are amazing

[catsrock in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for this wonderful message

[Hidden in reply to catsrock]

Thank you for the reply I always worry I'm overstepping with sharing.I hope you find solace today in something little, like a cup of tea or a book. Little good things can snowball into big happy things too... Even when it feels like it can't 🩵💚💜