This is gonna be a long story - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

55,762 members56,063 posts

This is gonna be a long story

CallMiiVii
CallMiiVii

This is my first time telling anyone about how I hate my life to the bone. I originally thought I was gonna be okay, but as the time passed by it felt heavier and heavier..

So, I was born in a well off family. Not that crazy rich kinda family, but we never had any problems spending money on things we needed and we wanted. I’m the second child and the only daughter my parents have so naturally I felt special from the first time I knew what sense of superiority was.

Growing up I was full of arrogance and self importance as high as a mountain, but things toned down when I reached my adulthood that it surprised myself. Now I’m just an adult with lots of thoughts about how to save the environment from going worse or how to help children with poverty. I’ve changed along with my life.

My parents let me have the best of education I could have. They let me study overseas and I hold a Masters degree from a prestigious university in the heart of London - although I only came from a third world country. My dad is the lazy but lucky kinda rich guy while my mom is the hardworking type and she never tolerates any weaknesses.

As the time passed by, my dad’s company slowly collapsed. Family inheritance battle with his older brother and step-siblings after my grandpa passed away along with corruption that those envious people had done put the company at the edge of the cliff. Looking back, I think that was the turning point of my self-driven life into an others-driven life.

My lazy dad always has trust issues and he hates his sons because he always fears they would turn their back on him someday. So once dad’s brother got kicked out of the company and became strangers with us in one night, dad chose me to handle the company. Alone. At age 25. With no previous experience in working at the company nor a tutor to teach me things. He robbed me off my freedom to work in London after I finished my Master’s degree and now he forced to do things that I hate the most, become a businesswoman. The alone part was a bonus, I literally was left alone since he only held and enjoyed the benefits of his title as the owner of the company without knowing how to run it. Yes, that’s why the corruption was only found out after it was too late.

Two years has passed, now I slowly understand how to handle the company though dad’s brother apparently left a lot and I mean A LOT more invisible mess than everyone thought he did. I fought for the company alone through hell and beyond. I think I won. I never asked for a single penny from the company even though I spent a lot of my own money to buy things for the company itself. I don’t ask for anything in return, I was never paid for the sweat and overtime work I did. That way, the company spent less money, made more profits, and it finally started to crawl back to the top again - slowly, very slowly.

Approximately five months ago, the principal of my previous elementary school suddenly asked me to become an English teacher because they were in need of one. I was hesitant. Not because I wasn’t gonna be paid, but because the company alone was a handful to take care of. I wasn’t ready to become a teacher, nor did I have any previous experience as a teacher - deja vu much? But push came to shove for them and they really needed someone who understood English as well as someone who was willing to be an unpaid teacher. I volunteered out of pity. How foolish of me.

These days it has come to the point where I live only for the sake of making those around me happy. I don’t have time to pamper myself or even make any decision for my own sake. I’m 27 now. I’m single and thankfully I’m very comfortable with that - my previous relationship was full of abuses and scars. I wake up in the morning to teach at the school and head to the company right after. When the office hours end, I head back home, open my laptop and prepare for next class’ materials until it’s time for me to sleep. I even spend all my weekends and days off in front of the laptop 12hrs a day. I still have to help my mom serving the guys in the house everyday for their meals and stuff - Fuck asian culture. It really has reached to a point where I no longer have any meaning in my life.

I’m tired, but I’m not allowed to rest. The company depends on me, I have to fight to return it back to its glorious days and the workers’ future are in my hand, one wrong decision and it’s all over. Now the students depend their future on me as well. My family has high hopes on me, especially my mom - weakness is a sin for her so it’s taboo to tell her I’m dying. I’m really tired.

I feel like I’m stuck in this never ending loop of obligations and selfless actions. I’m 27 now, but both my jobs don’t pay me. My savings keep depleting everyday but I can’t even say anything because I had spent dad’s money on my education previously which I regret having now. Whenever I see all of my friends having successful life with lots of money, I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. I hold other people’s future in my hand and I’m fighting really hard for them, but ironically my own future looks bleak, dark, and hopeless. There is this disgusting thought crawling at the back of my head whispering that my life exists only to become a mat for everyone else to step on. I’m only here to make them happy but I’m not allowed to be happy myself. I’m only here for them to use and I feel really pitiful. They all see me as a strong woman capable of handling difficult things on my own. My friends see me as the rich girl successful in her career by the help of her father, though he never helped me, not even once, and I never get to enjoy the money I’ve been fighting for. But really, at the end of the day, I’m just a meek girl longing for a hand and someone who asks, “Do you need my help?” and a voice that says, “You may rest now, you’ve done great.” Wow, what a dream, right?

Well, I don’t know if anyone will be interested in reading this. I’ll really appreciate it if at least there’s someone out there who knows about this story of my life that one day becomes nothing but a tale. But then again, it’s just gonna be like another day of my life if no one cares, I’m used to it anyway. Though I still wish I could be treated more like a human than a machine... Thanks! A lot!

8 Replies

Families can sure be difficult to manage, you’re not alone in your struggle with that. It definitely sounds like you give much more than is healthy for yourself too, and you are also definitely not alone in that. I know it can be difficult, but saying no to things can go a long way in self care and maybe it would be a good thing to try, even if it’s just a small start.

CallMiiVii
CallMiiVii in reply to mrsmandy

Thanks for your reply! I know I always have the option to say no, but when that time comes, I’d probably be branded as the most ungrateful child by the whole family, and I definitely don’t want to disappoint them. They know too well what shame is and they won’t want other people in the community know that their daughter failed them. Getting married is the only way out of the family, but I still have the trauma from my previous relationship and I don’t wanna get married just for the sake of it. It’s way too risky to fail a marriage in this kind of community after all.. but thanks for your thoughts, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone..

I am working my way through similar issues. I am almost twice your age and I have fought this since childhood.

My life has hit bottom and I am on my way back up. I too hated my life, but I hated myself the most. The bottom was my opening to begin change.

I have worked on myself for almost 7 years now, and I have seen some amazing changes. I recently started working on my lifetraps and I found that subjugation is at the core of my issues. Well, for now. I am at the early part of exploring this, but it really is at minimum part of my issues.

My subjugation is originated with my father. He has similar qualities as does your mother. I did not want to accept that the problem could possibly have started with him, because I love and respect him so much. But I know that he did nothing to intentionally harm me.

Subjugation to someone with exceptionally high standards is a tough combination. I think that it is a common issue in Asian society. I hope that you find some contentment soon.

CallMiiVii
CallMiiVii in reply to gerg

Thanks for your reply! I agree with you that in all honesty, the one that you hate the most isn’t your life but yourself for all the decisions you made that put you in that situation. I know that too well.

Subjugation isn’t the only thing that binds me in this chain, although I won’t lie that my mom’s acceptance is like the ultimate obligation I have to fulfill. It’s mostly this sense of having to make your parents happy for all the love and sacrifices they made for you that drives me to this point. I can never talk back to them.

And well, the only contentment I have is when my mom agrees to whatever decision I make regarding the company. Again, the subjugation thingy, I guess? Lol

So, how did you get out of this tunnel?

You are amazing and talented. And I truly believe people like you always get the recognition they deserve. I'm sure It's hard, but what you shared shows one very special trait of you have, empathy. I hope things get better and you find a way out of this situation and start focusing on yourself.

I care. I think you are awesome and very brave and courageous.

Thanks for sharing your story. I understand your struggles. It's not an easy place for you to be in, but you are doing your best. I just wanted to let you know that you are not insignificant. You are precious and you are loved! There IS one who says, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." He is one who will in the end wipe away all your tears from your eyes and say to you, "You have been good and faithful. You have done well." It seems only a dream now, but we will claim it by faith! :)

I had struggled in a pretty similar situation living to appease my parents and struggling to do the right things. I too had lived "sacrificing" myself for others and it was a very exhausting life. Some years ago, a friend had recommend a book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. This book really helped me to see what healthy relationships look like and helped me to see that I had very weak (practically non existent) boundaries which really was the source of much of my problems. It was a huge eye opener for me and really challenged a lot of what I had accepted as cultural norm. I highly recommend reading it.

You are not alone, dear CallMiiVii. There's a poem that used to comfort me when I was in a dark place. It reminded me that I am never alone & that I am not forgotten. He is bigger, wiser, more loving and kind than our wildest imaginations, and He is for us.

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of your sight?

If I climb to the sky, you’re there!

If I go underground, you’re there!

If I flew on morning’s wings

to the far western horizon,

You’d find me in a minute—

you’re already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

At night I’m immersed in the light!”

It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;

night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

*hugs*

I understand your struggles. I come from an Asian family too and it is very difficult to accommodate the expectations of the older generation with the freedom of the younger generation. Like yours, my parents had extremely high expectations for me – I was the first child of my parents and the first grandchild in the family who went to and completed college. If my parents had it their way, I would have been a CEO in some Fortune 100 company, married to some rich Chinese man with 2 kids and a big house. But here’s the reality, you have to be happy because it is IMPOSSIBLE to make EVERYONE happy. You will disappoint someone. You will anger someone else. Honestly, that’s their issue, not yours. Unless you have contracted commitments (which in those cases, you’ll want to finish the term first), I would suggest that you consider the following ideas: 1) Teacher job – finish up the school year and then let them know you will not be returning. I understand that you want to help people, and that is a very admirable quality. However, this is not a volunteer spot that you are helping out a couple times a month. They are expecting you to be there every day. You should be compensated for it. There is a reason why they cannot find anyone to fill the spot if they are not willing to pay for it. 2) Your company – it is a huge responsibility for you to take care of operations and all its staff. Do you have anyone on your staff that you trust to promote up to a position that could help you out? If there is no one you trust, that is a problem. As management, it would be ideal for you to surround yourself with trusted people who can help and advise you. You may need to clean house or hire more people. Your company should have departments (whether it’s one person or a whole team) that report to you how they are operating. If this is already the case, make sure you hold them accountable to their jobs. 3) Your family – coming from an Asian culture, I can understand why you don’t feel like you should have to serve your father and your brothers. However, as much as you may not agree with it (I don’t agree with it either), the action itself is a sign of respect for your family. Sometimes, you have to pick your battles and this may not be a fight worth fighting.

I really hope you take some action in your life so that you breathe. Take care of yourself. I know it’s hard to make time, especially coming from a mother who might not understand this. My mother is the same way too. She doesn’t understand why I might take a day off from work to rest or sleep in a little longer on the weekends. The thing though, is she doesn’t need to understand. I am doing it for me so I can keep my sanity when my world is in chaos. You deserve to take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. Once you realize this, I hope you will make some positive changes that will lead you to the fulfilled life you dreamed of. Take care and please keep us posted!

You may also like...