This is my first time telling anyone about how I hate my life to the bone. I originally thought I was gonna be okay, but as the time passed by it felt heavier and heavier..
So, I was born in a well off family. Not that crazy rich kinda family, but we never had any problems spending money on things we needed and we wanted. I’m the second child and the only daughter my parents have so naturally I felt special from the first time I knew what sense of superiority was.
Growing up I was full of arrogance and self importance as high as a mountain, but things toned down when I reached my adulthood that it surprised myself. Now I’m just an adult with lots of thoughts about how to save the environment from going worse or how to help children with poverty. I’ve changed along with my life.
My parents let me have the best of education I could have. They let me study overseas and I hold a Masters degree from a prestigious university in the heart of London - although I only came from a third world country. My dad is the lazy but lucky kinda rich guy while my mom is the hardworking type and she never tolerates any weaknesses.
As the time passed by, my dad’s company slowly collapsed. Family inheritance battle with his older brother and step-siblings after my grandpa passed away along with corruption that those envious people had done put the company at the edge of the cliff. Looking back, I think that was the turning point of my self-driven life into an others-driven life.
My lazy dad always has trust issues and he hates his sons because he always fears they would turn their back on him someday. So once dad’s brother got kicked out of the company and became strangers with us in one night, dad chose me to handle the company. Alone. At age 25. With no previous experience in working at the company nor a tutor to teach me things. He robbed me off my freedom to work in London after I finished my Master’s degree and now he forced to do things that I hate the most, become a businesswoman. The alone part was a bonus, I literally was left alone since he only held and enjoyed the benefits of his title as the owner of the company without knowing how to run it. Yes, that’s why the corruption was only found out after it was too late.
Two years has passed, now I slowly understand how to handle the company though dad’s brother apparently left a lot and I mean A LOT more invisible mess than everyone thought he did. I fought for the company alone through hell and beyond. I think I won. I never asked for a single penny from the company even though I spent a lot of my own money to buy things for the company itself. I don’t ask for anything in return, I was never paid for the sweat and overtime work I did. That way, the company spent less money, made more profits, and it finally started to crawl back to the top again - slowly, very slowly.
Approximately five months ago, the principal of my previous elementary school suddenly asked me to become an English teacher because they were in need of one. I was hesitant. Not because I wasn’t gonna be paid, but because the company alone was a handful to take care of. I wasn’t ready to become a teacher, nor did I have any previous experience as a teacher - deja vu much? But push came to shove for them and they really needed someone who understood English as well as someone who was willing to be an unpaid teacher. I volunteered out of pity. How foolish of me.
These days it has come to the point where I live only for the sake of making those around me happy. I don’t have time to pamper myself or even make any decision for my own sake. I’m 27 now. I’m single and thankfully I’m very comfortable with that - my previous relationship was full of abuses and scars. I wake up in the morning to teach at the school and head to the company right after. When the office hours end, I head back home, open my laptop and prepare for next class’ materials until it’s time for me to sleep. I even spend all my weekends and days off in front of the laptop 12hrs a day. I still have to help my mom serving the guys in the house everyday for their meals and stuff - Fuck asian culture. It really has reached to a point where I no longer have any meaning in my life.
I’m tired, but I’m not allowed to rest. The company depends on me, I have to fight to return it back to its glorious days and the workers’ future are in my hand, one wrong decision and it’s all over. Now the students depend their future on me as well. My family has high hopes on me, especially my mom - weakness is a sin for her so it’s taboo to tell her I’m dying. I’m really tired.
I feel like I’m stuck in this never ending loop of obligations and selfless actions. I’m 27 now, but both my jobs don’t pay me. My savings keep depleting everyday but I can’t even say anything because I had spent dad’s money on my education previously which I regret having now. Whenever I see all of my friends having successful life with lots of money, I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. I hold other people’s future in my hand and I’m fighting really hard for them, but ironically my own future looks bleak, dark, and hopeless. There is this disgusting thought crawling at the back of my head whispering that my life exists only to become a mat for everyone else to step on. I’m only here to make them happy but I’m not allowed to be happy myself. I’m only here for them to use and I feel really pitiful. They all see me as a strong woman capable of handling difficult things on my own. My friends see me as the rich girl successful in her career by the help of her father, though he never helped me, not even once, and I never get to enjoy the money I’ve been fighting for. But really, at the end of the day, I’m just a meek girl longing for a hand and someone who asks, “Do you need my help?” and a voice that says, “You may rest now, you’ve done great.” Wow, what a dream, right?
Well, I don’t know if anyone will be interested in reading this. I’ll really appreciate it if at least there’s someone out there who knows about this story of my life that one day becomes nothing but a tale. But then again, it’s just gonna be like another day of my life if no one cares, I’m used to it anyway. Though I still wish I could be treated more like a human than a machine... Thanks! A lot!