I will be 41 in 2 weeks. I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager, then later depression. Treatments never worked and I found out why after my second child was born and I just seemed to have lost my mind. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (ultra rapid cycling). My mood swings were so severe and happened so fast. They changed within the same day often times and sometimes on top of one another. Over time, I had more diagnoses added, more meds added. Some made me more depressed or more manic, or even worse, completely numb and zombie-like. So now I'm being treated with meds that actually seem to work. A combination of mood stabilizer, a medicine normally used to treat Parkinson's, but is effective as an antidepressant as I can't take regular antidepressants, and also meds for ADHD and anxiety. I hate being on so many things, but I can honestly say that for the most part I feel more like myself that I remember BEFORE the mental health decline. After being a mom for exactly half my life now, and a stay at home mom for almost 10 of those years, I truly forgot who I was. I had taken care of everyone but me. I was always so pleasing. Always doing whatever someone asked...even when I KNEW I couldn't take on anything else. Eventually I felt overwhelmed, defeated and completely taken advantage of. I have been with a man for over 2 decades now that I have a house and children with who has never married me, who is 10 years older than me, and who is a good hard working man, but often times makes me feel like a child. Like I have to ask to go do things, or for money, or he gets aggravated if the house isn't totally clean or I didn't feel like cooking, etc. I was always so outgoing and loved adventures and being outdoors, going places, dancing, meeting people. I was always silly and just loved to have fun. But then I became bitter, and resentful and angry. I felt like he and my kids had held me back from being the person I wanted to be. I blamed them for my position in life as a stay at home mom, instead of a woman with a career and her own money who could be in a serious relationship with kids but still have fun with friends and take my kids on adventures. I became a shell of a woman, but was still trying to pour from and empty cup...which let me tell you, it's NOT possible and it will drive you crazy trying to make it so. This has all taken a toll on my physically over the years and manifested into GI problems, migraines, aches and pains, you name it. So I was always looking up things trying to diagnose myself, which drive me further into madness. I have had so much time to wallow in depression, or try to diagnose myself, or drive other people crazy with my problems, and I never even knew what triggered my mood changes, or that I had actually become my own problem and made myself sick.
But, recently, the time at home has also been a time for me to learn more about myself and what works and doesn't work. There are times where I am still an absolute mess! I yell and pick fights and cry. But I have learned to allow myself the time to cry and be angry or sad or whatever, I am able to think about why I feel this way, how did the mood shift start, what will take my mind off of it, who should I apologize to, etc. I'm learning how to live intentionally. I've stopped asking for permission to do things I want, because after all, I'm a grown woman and my kids are big enough to help clean up around the house and fix themselves something to eat, entertain themselves, etc. I can have fun and be silly, go out dancing, drive around and blast music and dance and sing in my car like I don't care that there's a person at the red light next to me who thinks I'm nuts. I went to a glow in the dark foam part last night and had the best time... unapologetically! I get out and do more things with the kids. I find creative ways to do things with them that are free or cheap, but fun. I have found things that distract me from my racing thoughts. I've learned that I'm very creative and have been able to do crafts and home projects that I never even knew I was capable of. I'm so curious and always want to learn and try new things.
I've also had very intimate and frank conversations with my... partner if you will... about EXACTLY what I'm feeling, even if it's embarrassing and I don't know how he will take it. I've also discussed with him in great detail about the things that he has done that have contributed to the depression and anxiety and issues with my self esteem. For so many years he just didn't know what to do or say or how to help or support me, but he was also oblivious to why I have had a lot of the negative feelings and anger towards him. So now he is often a lifesaver. He calms me down, talks me off the ledge so to speak. He knows when to offer comfort and when to just leave me alone.
I've learned to stand up and speak up for myself and stop apologizing for every little thing. I was always so bad at that because I always tried to be so pleasing to EVERYONE. So now, if I feel too bad to do the dishes or sweep or whatever, someone else can do it or it will stay like that until I can manage. Or if I don't want to cook, they can make sandwiches or get take out. I'm learning to let the past hurts and regrets go (which is probably the hardest) because I've spent too much time living in the past which has been counterproductive in working on my future. I finally finished my degree and am looking for work again so that I can have a career and do something meaningful with my life other than being a mom and caregiver (which is rewarding, but I don't want that to define me). I'm learning to say no when I'm asked to do something that I KNOW I can't handle taking on. Sorry, can't do it...I need that cup to stay at least half full.
Y'all, I may seem like I have all the answers and I'm doing so well...this post is not intended to be braggy or preachy. It has taken me the last 2 decades to find myself. And I'm still learning and still, at 41, trying to become the person I want to be when I grow up. It takes work, self reflection, forgiveness, and INTENTION! Every...single...day! And don't beat yourself up when you have bad days. They are going to happen. We are all going to have those days where we just nut up and feel crazy or sad, and cry so bad that we have tears and snot and mascara all over our face. It's ok. Think about what started it, what you can do to help you through it or to avoid it. Then the next day wake up, and start your day, live it intentionally, and I promise the good days will come.
Lots of warm hugs to all!
Finding hope
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