A down day

[Expo123]

I'm having one of those days. Feeling really sad. Trying to pinpoint what the problem is. Last week I saw my therapist and the first thing he said when I came into the office was that the appointment would be only a half hour since he had seen me the previous month. It made me feel like he was seeing me out of a courtesy but would have preferred to skip the appointment altogether. I left feeling down, especially since it took me 45 minutes to get there and 45 minutes more to get back home. I've also felt strange since the pandemic restrictions have started to lift. I feel like everyone is itching to get back to life and see lots of friends and family. I don't have that many friends and my family is very small, so it's making me feel very apart from the rest of society. I think the topper is that I have been breaking my back trying to take care of my mom. I live with her and take care of her since she is elderly. I am almost scared to be in the same room with her because every time she sees me there is something else she needs me to do. Just in the last few weeks I've had to find contractors for the roof, someone to repave the garage floor, someone to repave the driveway, someone to repair a retaining wall in our front yard, I had to take care of filing everyone's taxes, I do grocery shopping for everyone, ... Just doing the research to find companies takes a long time and because I'm not knowledgeable about what's involved in some of these jobs, it's takes up a lot of time until I feel I've found reputable companies. I'm also working from home and although I only work 25 hours per week, it's still really hard to fit everything in. I mentioned last week that I'd made an appointment to get a haircut and my mom said she needed to go as well. She then rubbed her eyes and said she needs to go for an eye appointment but didn't want to ask me because I seem so busy. I feel completely unappreciated but at the same time I feel guilty for not doing more. We're also late with planting season and I need to take her to gardening centers to find flowers. I know I will be so sad when she is no longer around so I am very aware of that and want to appreciate every moment I have with her. The thing is that every time I check two things off my list, there are 3 more things that get added. I try to do things for myself, so that I feel I'm taking care of myself, but it's just not working. My nephew lives with us as well and the other day, when I asked him in front of my mom if he could help me out and do an errand with her, my mom shot me this angry look like I was trying to pawn her off on my nephew. That wasn't at all the case. I was just really tired. She then didn't talk to me for a couple of hours which just made my stomach feel tight with anger. I love her a lot and know she has had a tough time too, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. I keep fantasizing about what it would be like to have someone ask how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, if there's something they could do to lighten my load a little bit. I honestly can't think of one time in my life when I've had that. Funny how quickly my mood can slide. I've been doing a bit better lately but today I feel like my depression is coming back. I hope tomorrow will be better. Sorry for this long rant. I just really needed to vent.

[Hb2003]

Aww I’m so sorry about that lots of kindness and support ❤️🫂

[Expo123 in reply to Hb2003]

Thank you so much Hiba.

[Hb2003 in reply to Expo123]

Your welcome ☺️🙏

[Agora1]

Expo, you are more than entitled to rant and what better place than right here.

As I read all the things that are expected of you besides working 25 hrs a week,

I could feel your burnout right around the next corner.

I've not been in quite your situation but know what it's like when you give and give

and not once does someone ask "how you are doing". What happens when you aren't

feeling good? Is anyone there for you with a hot cup of tea or a small meal for you.

Probably not.

I know what it's like to feel our parents need us as they get older but a line needs to

be drawn in how much is too much for one person. If you get sick then where is everyone left? I remember my mother telling me about her oldest sister who had 4 children and said

"how is it that a mother can raise 4 children but 4 children can't help one mother in later years". A guilt trip for sure.

Love your mother, respect her but you need to have an honest talk with her.

You need to take care of yourself as well. Come here and vent as much as you need

to. Hopefully that will help a little with the emotional release. xx

[Expo123 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much for your support Agora1. It always helps to know that the people you're venting to understand your feelings. You are so kind to everyone on this site. We are lucky to have great people like you in the group.

[Agora1 in reply to Expo123]

It is nice to know that people here understand our feelings and never

judge what we feel. We're in this together, no longer alone xx

[despowell]

It’s totally okay to vent! My mom is struggling with the same thing with my grandmom. They live in a different city from me now and it makes me so sad how much my mom gives to help my grandmom whose health is declining while my mom has to work, maintain the household, and also continue to raise my little sister at the same time. It’s a tough job that you all do and it’s a remarkable thing to be so selfless so pat yourself on the back for that! But like I tell my mom, you can’t pour from an empty cup! I know you may feel guilty if you tell your mom no, but what do you have to give if your “cup” has nothing left to pour? Always save something for yourself because if you don’t you’ll have a mental breakdown or grow to resent everyone because you literally just don’t have anything left to give. Take some time for yourself so that you can at least have one good day to do completely whatever you want and not feel bad about it. Mental health is so important and it’s tough when you can’t even get the adequate help you need to deal with it. If no one else asks you “how do you feel today?” What changes do you think you can make to ensure you have at least a little time to yourself to enjoy maybe one day a week or a month so that you can regroup and refresh your spirit?

[Expo123]

Thank you for your sending such a thoughtful reply despowel. I have a "what I wish I had time for list". I keep wanting to do at least a couple of things on the list but haven't had much success. What I have managed to do is go for a nice long walk with a good friend of mine on Sunday mornings. I always look forward to it and feel in a better mood when I get back. It sounds like you are a very kind, sensitive person and that you're very supportive of your mom. I hope she will also be able to find a way to make some time for herself. We all need to learn how to do that.

[Chopper21]

I can relate to you. Yesterday was like that for.I cried at work yesterday and had a hard time focusing. I feel better today. I hope today is a better day for you

[Expo123 in reply to Chopper21]

I'm glad you're feeling better today Chopper. ❤️

[kvolm2016]

I hope that today was a better day for you. Your post caught my attention because I too was a caregiver for my father before his death, so I understand the tension between the positive and the negative feelings of love, care, guilt, resentment. I learned that it is normal to feel both sides and it is so important not to hold it in or to judge yourself harshly for these negative feelings. So it was good for you to have this place to vent. Finding a "caregivers" community would probably be helpful for you too. This resource on caregiving was shared with me so I'm passing it on bit.ly/3u7vo1A Hopefully there is something helpful for you too.